It's Simple
by MegaB
Summary: The things the ANBU have to go through while serving their faithful Hokage, But if the Hokage real such a great person? Fourth Hokage Fic.
1. It's Simple, The beginning

OK, so here it is. The rage. The HORROR! When Lainana, Ageant and I work together this is the kind of stuff that we come up with. We're crazy, yes, we know, but that's the charm right? Plus, I like to think of it as 'unique'. It's Simple.

So let me get this straight. As it's a joint story, reviews won't be replied to. We WILL read all of them and laugh at you just as much as you laugh at us, so feel free to submit your thoughts. But as I said, don't expect a reply.

And finally. I DO NOT endorse the stuff in this story! We've added bits here and there and it's a conglomerate of three people so know that this isn't something I would write! If you want to discuss this, feel free to come down to the K:NP forums, link's in my profile!

Lainana: Viewer Discretion Advised.

DISCLAIMER (HERE AND HERE ONLY!): WE DON'T OWN NARUTO, THAT'S MASASHI KISHIMOTO. SO UNLESS YOU'RE INSANE AND/OR A PATIENT IN A MENTAL HEALTH WARD, THAT MEANS WE DON'T OWN NARUTO believe it or not...

ZZZZZZ

It's Simple.

The sun was shining.

The birds were chirping.

The sake cup was slamming down on the table.

Life couldn't get any better than this.

Of course it could get worse.

Which is exactly what was about to happen.

The rule to remember is KISS.

Keep. It. Simple. Stupid.

People often tend to forget this however. The results... well you'll see.

A sigh of content and a burp of satisfaction covered up the explosion in the background.

But the mushroom cloud of smoke gave it away.

Of course this wasn't entirely out of the norm; this was a ninja village after all.

He would've been more concerned if there were no explosions.

Feeling quite good about his deliberation Minato figured he deserved to get completely smashed.

He did just that.

And since he was a ninja, no one would find out until it was far too late.

Oh he was good.

He was even the best.

I mean, what kind of Kage would he be if he wasn't the best.

Half way into his 8th bottle the genin team that went out earlier came back smoking and charred.

Minato thought for some reason they looked smoking hot.

It was decided, that jonin was giving him the eye, and he wouldn't stand for it from a guy like him.

He'd tell him what's what and who's who... as soon as the room stopped spinning of course.

It is at this point that we must realize how deadly a drunken kage-level ninja is.

To put it bluntly, it would be similar to putting a Polar bear on a nuclear device; completely unethical, unbalanced, and disturbingly deadly.

Furthermore this particular jonin had made comments about how hot Minato's wife was... someone was in for a world of pain...

No three-way was going to happen here.

And if one were going to happen it wouldn't be in front of the genin, Minato thought with a smile.

He stood up quickly, knocking things over and freezing.

He stared them down. And promptly projectile vomited all over them.

It was the right thing to do.

Plus it hit some of the paper work.

Grabbing another bottle of sake he stalked around his vomit covered desk.

"Clean dis up."

He was going to go and mingle with the people, after all isn't the Hokage there to see to the people's troubles?

First he'd stop by THE store and get more sake though. They didn't expect him to listen to them sober did they?

After getting his sake, and hitting on the daughter of the store owner (successfully he might add), he decided to make a stop home and visit his beautiful wife. A brilliant plan indeed!

On his way he stopped and waved at the people (also he threw up on them). Just a typical day in Konoha.  
Little did he know, the villagers knew something he didn't.

But he was happy. He was Hokage! And he'd go home to his loving wife whenever the hell he wanted!

And he'd poke the foetus in the eye too!

Oh look his neighbour. Dear lord. When did she get so sexy?

Sending a wink her way he flashed his Kage winning smile slapped her ass on the way by and stumbled the rest of the way home.

Of course the problem with being drunk and navigating is that you tend to stumble and generally lose your sense of direction.

This was no different with Minato, he had managed to crash into the houses of five different people, two of which were inhabited at the time, and one of which was inhabited by a hot woman. He took his time leaving that last home.

Finally, after breaking down and asking for directions, he seemed to be on the right track home. He only wondered why people's faces got paler the closer he got to his house. It's not like there was something going on there he wouldn't want to know about... right?

With a serious face, which wasn't so serious to onlookers (it reminded them of constipation) he walked faster towards his destination. Something must be happening in his own house!

HIS OWN HOUSE!

Who the hell does something in the house of the strongest man in the village?

He damn well was about to find out!

He flew through the closest window he saw, shattering it to bits since it was still closed.

"WHERE IS HE?"

Those were the last words the villagers heard from Minato besides crying and wailing that night.

He was a broken man... he had never felt like this before, shattered beyond repair. Just like his living room window.

What he wouldn't do for a giant demonic fox-thing to attack the village right now.

Well you can't always get what you want. He'd make do with his good old friend, Raito Sake.

ZZZZZZZ

So there you have it. Next chapter is already done and will be posted soon. Not to mention the next and the next and the next one after that and the....

You get the idea. We've been working on this for a LONG time...

Ja!

~B, Lai and Ageant!


	2. Chapter 2

So....chapter two.

Be ready to be confunded. For Confundation Conjunctivitis is our speciality. Or should I say...Lai and Ageant's speciality.

Just be glad that's there's no Dominick.

'Nuff Said.

ZZZZZZZZZ

With a little sneaking, and not so near the bar...

Off he went!

They'd never find out this time.

Of course they found out. A giant Rasengan festival against someone's face tends to alert the authorities.

He knew there would be hell to pay about this later. Which is why he stole all of the sake in the joint and sealed it in a special spot on his body.

And he knew it was a great idea to turn the lake into a giant ramen bowl and use the Rasengan to mix it even if it gave him away. It was just so tasty.

Man was he glad he shoved that rasengan into that other guy's face earlier. Or else the thought wouldn't have hit him so hard!

It was decided. Fuck the Uchiha clan. He'd turn any damn pond, lake, or other sizable body of water in the village, into a giant ramen bowl if he damn well pleased.

He'd have to do something about them anyway, since they were always trying to harsh his vibe, and to be honest he was tired of it.

He'd get that cute little Itachi boy to help somehow. Because for some reason, he couldn't remember his name.

He paused while walking to wherever he was walking, and suddenly slammed his fist into his palm. A light bulb crackled and lit up above his head.

The Hokage Tower.

If you want to get drunk, and you're the Hokage, what better place to do it and still have the right of way?

No one could make him stop while he was on the job.

No one of course, except his mother, but she was dead so... drinks ahoy!

It was useless for him to try and discuss politics while sauced, after all they barely understood his brilliant 'screw you!' brand of foreign policy anyway. He thought it was relatively simple, screw yourself and leave his stuff alone. After all he didn't go into the other Kage's countries and screw their wives... well not after the first time anyway.

Damn the Kazekage's wife was flexible!

He'd have to think about how to explain things better, and for that he needed drinking fuel.

"Hokage-sama, Team Ten has come back from their mission."

His eyes widened and he looked down at the half empty saucer in his hand.

He quickly swallowed it all, grabbed the bottle and dumped some more down his throat. Fuel, holy shit he needed some TNT.

He clicked some random button

"Send em' in."

The door opened.

He casually put the bottle down on the table and pretended to look up from some paper work.

The girl was crying and the boys looked like they had rolled down two hills. He knew what he had to say to them.

"You've done a great honour to the village today. Your bravery will be remembered because of the great things you accomplished today."

Then something clicked in his head. A voice that rang out from everywhere and nowhere. It filled his body with a need to shout and proclaim things about youth.

He stared down at the saucer in his hand, he needed more of this stuff and fast! He'd get an ANBU on it, maybe that Gai kid; he'd heard good things about him from Kakashi.

Turning back to the issue at hand however he noticed Team Ten still sitting in his office.

"What the hell are you guys still doing here? Get lost! I'm trying to score!"

He clicked that magical servant button somewhere on his desk.

"Send for Maito Gay! Right this very instance!" He giggled. Oh yes. This was going to work.

Somewhere in the background all his ANBU face-palmed.

Something was about to go down, they just knew it.

Of course having to put up with their Hokage's antics on a daily basis gave them a sort of sixth sense, they had dubbed it the "Hokage-Sama is up to some crazy shit again" sense.

The stories they could tell; the time he'd slept with Hiashi's wife, the time he had slept with Hiashi and Fugaku's wife, the time he'd punched Fugaku in the face for insinuating that he'd slept with his wife... memories!

For all his zany antics and drunken debauchery, he was still their Hokage. They'd be damned if they let him go down without a fight. Which is why they tensed and moved into position as soon as the well known and highly lauded Maito Gai appeared in front of the Hokage.

"Hokage-SAMA! What does your FLAMING! POWER! OF! YOUTH! NEED! ME! THE great and beautiful Green BEAST" Gai winked at his honourable Hokage, not that he noticed. "OF KONOOOHA For?!"

Minato sent him a prize-winning smile.

Gai decided he needed that smile just then. It blinded him with its brillance.

Totally the best thing he ever saw. So he leaned in to hear what the Hokage had to say.

"This is a serious mission Gay."

"Gai."

"I need you to go to the NLC and fetch me some Mirar Sake."

"Hokage-sama?"

"This is so serious, Gay. People will try to stop you!"

"Gai."

"Think of this as training, Gay. Nothing beats training."

"Yosh! Hokage-sama! Since you have set up this mission for me I will do it to its full potential! And if I cannot-"

"Go!"

"I will try to be like you Hokage-sama! From now on I shall be the fastest Shinobi in all of Konoha!"

The ANBU relaxed, "IT" had not tried to touch the Hokage and spread it's youthful disease. The threat gone they relaxed, and waited for the next possible threat.

Minato paid no heed to this, he was feeling the mood, he needed some action and some satisfaction. He couldn't go home, but he sure as hell wasn't doing it here again. Not after that incident with Danzo walking in on Mikoto and him. Maybe he'd go visit the Kazekage's wife again, after all it could only improve relations between both villages.

"Heh, I'm pretty clever! ANBU! Stay here and prepare for the return of my sake, I'll be back in a couple of hours." That said Minato flashed out of Konoha and right into the personal bathroom of the Kazekage's wife.

He came face to face with the Kazekage himself.

"Is your wife in? I've got some personal matters to deal with her..."

"..."

"I meant to say talk.

"Listen, I'm sure we can talk this out! There's no need to get violent." Minato looked around for witnesses, seeing none he decided to do what he had planned in case of this happening.

"Okay... so yeah, I've banged your wife a couple of times, and yeah, your daughter MIGHT be my kid. Hey look at it this way, how many men can say their wife cheated with the Yellow Flash huh? That makes you like one in... quite a bit actually."

That said Minato flashed away, he'd just go visit that chick in Mizu again. God he wished he could remember their names.

"Mizu... Mizu... Ah. Beth. That sounds right. Maybe." And he flashed off.

Appearing on a giant round table he only noticed one person in the room.

It was Beth, right in front of him.

Stalking forward he stared her in the eyes.

"I've been waiting for this moment.. Beth."

It didn't take two seconds for him to know something was wrong.

That something might have been the fist careening towards his jewels. He wasn't too sure, but he thought that was maybe the first clue.

"You BASTARD!" yelled Beth. That might have been clue two.

He wasn't sure if he wanted a third clue, but this was going in a kinky direction, he'd see how it played out.

It was at this moment that he finally noticed the old priesty looking fellow in her room.

Brilliance overtook him in that moment. He squeezed her backside and proceeded to spew out one of the best lines of bullshit he had ever thought up.

"Look old guy, we're uh improving relations between Kiri and Konoha... so if you could kind of just scram that would be great, thanks!" He firmly dismissed the notion that the gasp came from the third occupant of the room, wait... what?

A quick glance around told him he interrupted a council meeting and if something were to happen on this table a lot of people would be watching.

Seems like today still had that kinky flare.

Smirk firmly in place Minato turned fully to Beth, and proceeded to say what was in his mind only, a great idea, out loud.

"Hey babe, how about we bring this meeting to order?"

'Smooth' he thought, there was no way she could resist that.

When he flew out the window he knew today was probably, that day he'd have to come back later. A week would do.

He flashed out of sight just as the sky rained Kunai.

ZZZZZZ

So yeah, chapter two. Now do you understand why I claim no part in this lunacy?!

Reviews are read and laughed at! XP


	3. Chapter 3

Right, so while everyone is waiting for the next chapter of K:NP, here's some insanity to tide you over. I want to just mention that this is the censored version of It's Simple and the full unedited variety can be found in Vlaigeant's profile.

Prepare for more mental scarring.

ZZZZZZZZZZ

Today, he had decided, was a boring day. The only thing that could make it interesting was either loads of alcoholic liberation, or hordes of beautiful women. As the Hokage he had access to both. As the Yellow Flash he had access to liberal amounts of both.

Today would be the day; he would plant the seeds that would bloom into the fruit that is a child.

"YELLOW FLASH AWAY!" It is at this point that we should feel bad for the ANBU who have to clean up this mess.

The need to spawn himself was just too much.

Chugging a bottle of sake he flashed up to the top of the Kage mountain and then proceeded to do what he did best.

Flash.

All the females would be coming in a rage, he knew that, but he would use his cunning to turn that rage into fiery passion.

This would work out nicely.

He quickly and carefully set aside his clothes; he however kept the Hokage Hat and his boots on.

They came in droves... an unceasing wave, with only one thought in mind. He was as ready as he would ever be, he extended his arms to the heavens and proceeded to yell at the top of his lungs!

"Take me! Come to me beautiful women!"

He was in for a surprise indeed.

They flew straight at him.

And he didn't even bother dodging.

A knee to the face left a crotch directly in front of his eyes.

And he got stuck with it since everyone piled on top of him.

Not that he would ever complain.

He giggled as they all struggled to get closer to him.

Was that a kunai?

There have been many sadistic devices of torture made throughout the centuries, few of those come close to the terror that is the Kunai strap-on. Minato was very close to finding this out. However he was not named the Yellow Flash for no reason, using his super sleek skills he flashed to just outside the pile of bodies to watch the depravity.

His eyes searched out the miscreant with the horror device, finding them he began what was one of his most terrifying techniques.

"8 foot long Bitch Smack no Jutsu!" shouted Minato. The crowd froze, his voice like a mountain crashed down upon them.

"You've never been more out of line Shibi's wife, and you're about to find this out."

It descended like a thunderbolt from the heavens.

With a happy content sigh he threw on his pants and hefted his cloak over his shoulder.

He skipped off down the mountain.

Life was good, he'd got to use an advanced body modification jutsu, and he was on his way to get deliriously drunk. Which reminded him, whatever happened to that Gay kid?

He'd have to send out ANBU, no one got away with his sake, NO ONE.

Damn kid.

Snapping his fingers and raising his fist he called his ANBU.

"Find Maito Gay right now."

He frowned as they shuffled their feet a little.

"About that Hokage-sama..."

"You see... he's kind of in the hospital. He had to get a liver transplant after drinking all of your sake!"

Minato was pissed, no scratch that he was fucking furious. How dare that little bastard drink his sake. Oh he was going to pay. That little bastard was going to pay in spades.

"I will only say this once so listen closely. You will get Maito Gay, you will bring him here, then you will get me a donkey, a male donkey." The ANBU could only stare at him questioningly, and then suddenly a horrifying realization dawned upon them as a whole.

"But H-Hokage-Sama, that's horrible!" stuttered out the chief ANBU on scene.

"You'll do it, or I'll include all of you in this little punishment. Am I understood?" asked Minato, only to receive frenzied nodding.

Minato licked his lips.

He gritted his teeth.

He frowned and crossed his legs like a lady.

He was going to get that boy.

He was going to get that boy real good.

The donkey had already arrived

It was just as mad as he was.

He stroked its chin like someone would with a hairless cat.

Stupid kid would know exactly what hit him.

There he sat, with his equally pissed donkey. The ANBU would be here soon with that little prick. He'd make an example out of him. No one stole his sake, no one!

An ANBU operative stuck his head through the door and stared transfixed at the donkey for a few moments before he turned his head toward Minato.

"Hokage-sama, we've brought Maito Gai like you've asked. What do you want us to do with him?"

Minato stared down the operative with hard eyes and spoke in his most serious and authoritative voice,  
"I am in need of your aid, Agent Nukaka. If you accept, consider it an S rank mission.

"I'm honoured that you have so much faith in me Hokage-Sama! Of course I accept." That poor ANBU agent had never felt more shocked in his life than when Minato next spoke. This of course was evidenced by how pale he became under his mask after each word was spoken.

"Good. I need you to remove Gai's unitard, bend him over my desk, and hold him in position for the entirety of his punishment."

The other ANBU all looked away from the poor fellow who was trapped by his own eagerness. There was no turning away once you accepted a mission.

The poor fellow in question, the poor poor ANBU, was in shock.

Hokage-sama wanted him to take part in something like this?!

If word ever got out, what would his wife think?!

He only just got into ANBU and this is his first S rank mission!

Holy crap.

The ANBU stood around watching in disgust as the new guy got to work. This was the kind of shit they had to go through on a daily basis. If not donkeys, then it was a random mission targets or something else. Wolf, for instance, once had to sell bull testicles as a cover.

"Wake up Gay and get on with it. This'll be a lesson he'll never forget." Spoke Minato, a creepy smile on his face.

All throughout the rest of the day screams and cries of unyouthfulness could be heard from Hokage tower. Gai was never able to look Minato, or any donkey for that matter, in the eyes again.

Minato forgot about it by the next day.

What did you expect? A miracle worker?

All Minato knew was that he felt like he did good the other day, and that was all that mattered.

The ANBU however would always remember. Just as they remembered the Sandaime's case of explosive diarrhoea, followed by his temporary lapse into opium abuse. They would remember, oh yes... they'd remember.

Some said this incident is what drove Gai down the path of complete youth, others that the donkey was really the Kyuubi in disguise. These people were all idiots, but they at least tried.

ZZZZZZZZ

Just be lucky Pickle and I edited stuff out of this, otherwise you'd have mental mush in your head right now!

Reviews are read and laughed at but never replied to! NEVER!


	4. Chapter 4

Your weekly dose of Insanity. It's Sunday, so It's Simple.

Is it not?

PS: Lai-chan deems you all unworthy and that everyone should review so that we can get this into the 1000+ C2 to spread our madness. I do hope you all agree.

ZZZZZZZZ

Minato would later remember this before Kyuubi's arrival and attempt to conjure up a 15 story tall donkey...  
Mankind can only be thankful that he failed.

Because if that was unleashed upon the village.

No one would have survived.

Not even the Kyuubi.

So, Minato was strolling down the street one night, thinking he wanted to get smashed.

And then he realised.

It's simple.

He'd do what Sandaime did.

Pot.

It is at this point that we must make an observation about Minato and his childhood. He was a man that craved attention. He sought the approval of a father he had never met. All he actually knew about the man was that he apparently had some "whiskers" on his face.

Of course, if he ever met his father at this point he'd kick him in the sac - that's just how it was at this point.

'Now how to obtain copious amounts of illegal substances,' he thought to himself. It hit him like a ton of bricks.

"ANBU Headquarters!" With a shout he was off.

ANBU Headquarters.

The only place in the entire village where it was legal to keep controlled substances. Confiscated drugs were stored there and used on prisoners.

It was also the late Hokage's stash place.

On this adventure, he was going to find his father.

And deliver that kick to the nuts.

Somehow.

It was a good thing he was partially sober when he got there.

He walked a straight line right on in, and cackled on the inside when he saw the sigh of relief that flowed through all the ANBU's shoulders.

He walked down to the Narcotics Room where he would find some smelly dough.

It was like his Nirvana, there were booze and various drugs from wall to wall. He could already feel his foot twitching at the thought of kicking the bastard that sired him in the nuts.

He proceeded to fill his handy dandy seal tote with as much pot and sake as he could. He was going to take this all to the office!

Flashing away he prepared himself.

"I'm coming Dad... you bastard!"

It was when he paused mid-step in front of the Headquarters on his way out that everyone realized -

he was doing something crazy again.

But really, Minato was just starting to use his brain.

And he was just starting to smoke up. But he was a n00b so he was out there already.

Who has a dragon's load of chakra?

He did.

Who was amazing at jutsu and seals?

He was.

Who could do whatever the hell he wanted?

He could!

Hands flashing through random seals, he concentrated on what he wanted.

Which was amazingly hard since he wanted a lot of things.

He focused on the top thing at the moment which happened to be kicking his father in the nutsack.

"KICK-NEGLIGENT-FATHER-IN-THE-NUTSACK -NO-JUTSU"

Off he flew in a flash of seals.

Everyone in ANBU Headquarters would remember this jutsu forever as well.

Because he left his clothing behind.

And Minato would remember this jutsu as well.

For as soon as it stopped he puked all over a deer which happened to have a 'Caught in the Headlights' look now firmly plastered across its face.

A day had passed since Minato's new and somewhat retarded jutsu made its debut. Many surprising things had happened. The most surprising part of the whole thing of course is that the jutsu worked. Or at least it seemed to. For in a puff of smoke and a series of whirling lights appeared a man.

"I'm a fucking genius!" crowed Minato, before he was promptly kicked in the balls by an irate blond guy.

"What the hell asshole?! I was about to score and you go and pull some shit like this? The sealing wasn't enough for you?!" shouted a very irate Naruto Uzumaki.

"Sealing?"

Seriously, sealing people and then getting blamed for the damage done just wasn't his thing. He was usually long gone by the time the bad happens.

How the hell was he suppose to know it would transport itself to the closest person!

But damn, he was seriously confused.

And then something clicked in his mind.

"How the hell are you my father!? You're younger than me prick!" Shouted the somewhat lucid Minato.

"You think I'm your father? What are you retarded? You're my father asshole!" Shouted an obviously angry Naruto.

"WHHHAT?"

"What the hell are you whhhating at you bastard!" Naruto gritted his teeth is a very angry way.

It was Minato's turn to be scared.

That must have been some good stuff he got a while ago.

...

Where'd he get it again?

Oh well.

And so he stared.

"Don't ignore me you dumb bastard!" yelled the father/son of the beloved Yondaime.

"Hey, calm down alright." stated the somewhat mesmerized Minato."Just breathe in some of this smoke. You'll feel better for it!"

Naruto being Naruto, did exactly as Minato advised, and it is then that something odd happened.

"Where the hell did you get this stuff?"

"That my father, is the wonderfulness that is... the stuff.." Minato scratched his chin.

"..."

"Where was I again.."

"..."

"Hmm, well never mind! So tell me father, who's your sensei, since I'm one hundred percent sure you are a ninja!"

"Well, Kakashi-sensei is, but I really like Gai-sensei better."

Minato's face turned purple.

"That no-account, sake stealer Gai?!" Minato bellowed.

"What... you mean... HE STEALS SAKE?! THAT BASTARD!" Naruto also bellowed. "We should get a donkey and make him pay!"

"Already done that. Hey Dad, want to burn his jump suits instead?" asked a smirking Minato.

"Sure, Dad... wait a second, where did your clothes go?" asked a deeply disturbed Naruto.

And with that father/son and father/son went into the distance to destroy Gai's stuff. One of them suspiciously nude. Konoha would never be the same.

Then a nice cold breeze went by.

It was with great fanfare and aplomb that they arrived on the scene. Of what you might be asking yourself, well we're getting to that. Don't be so impatient or you'll end up disappointing a lot of women in your life.

As I was saying, they arrived on scene at the Inuzuka compound. For no real reason whatsoever, Minato had decided he wanted to pet the dogs (a decision reached by his mystical helping herb). Naruto came along because he had an urge.

So with great relish he moved to the door of the Inuzuka compound where he did acts best left unknown and fathered a son unknowingly. Truly this day was great.

They must be in his past though, Kiba's mom was still young.

And perhaps in Minato's future?

Well.

At exactly the same time they both let out a sigh (Of relief!), put their arms behind their heads, and sneered at a big breasted lady walking by.

Licking their lips they turned and started walking towards the closest liquor store.

"Hey, what were we doing before Kiba's mom?"

"I haven't the greenest clue."

"Greenest?"

"I also have no clue why that slipped out."

"Co-inky-dink."

"Why do I have ass on my mind?"

One of them, no one could tell which since they looked so alike, reached for the NLC's door.

To their surprise someone very familiar walked right out.

There has been much said about meeting yourself due to time travel, I will clear that all up right now by saying it's bullshit. Any reasonable person can deal with it calmly and logically.

Of course, we are dealing with two (three!) very illogical people, this situation was bound to go bad.

"I didn't think it was possible to drink enough to see myself walking into the liquor store." said the somewhat startled Minato. "Too early for this bullshit really, later me!" He waved as he walked away leaving a somewhat stunned and surprisingly clothed Minato. Naruto just sighed.

"You've got to fix this crap; I've got things to do old man."

"What about the alcohol?"

"Right. Alcohol and then jutsu. That's what Ero-sennin always said!"

"Wasn't it the other way around?"

"What other way around?"

After an unconscionable amount of sake, a little more woodstock, and the oh-so-faithful application of chakra, Minato was ready.

"Let's do this!" cried an equally sloshed Naruto.

Minato stumbled a bit and then smiled drunkenly, making Naruto giggle like a pansy.

Unfortunately the method of delivery was quite similar the previous time.

"DID-I-KICK-HIM-IN-THE-BALLS -NO-JUTSU!"

Reappearing upon his clothes, Minato scratched his chin.

"So that's where they were!"

In a bedroom somewhere in Konoha, a young blond haired man awoke next to an especially busty woman. Not knowing how he ended up there, or where there even was, he decided to first find some clues to his location. Being Naruto, the method of how was obvious.

"Hey You! Where the hell am I? What year is it? The first shout of "Hey" was apparently enough to awaken the now somewhat irate woman. Naruto looked at her face and terror slowly overtook him; the likes of which he had never known before in his life.

Minato sneezed while pulling on his clothing in the middle of public.

He must be catching a cold.

Hmm. What was he doing five minutes ago anyways?

Oh well. Sake!

And off he went, to rid his cold with the simple pleasure of Sake.

He better not go home tonight.

ZZZZZZZZZZ

And there you have it. Do try to keep the sanity in check for another week. It only gets worse from here on out!


	5. Chapter 5

ARGHHH! OK, so a day late but you'll have to forgive us, right? Everyone's been so busy what with Lai's birthday, Agean't discussion about fedoras and my....

Well let's leave that one for now. Prepare for mindbuzz!

ZZZZZZZ

Sake was a powerful thing in great quantity, so it was that Minato decided he was going to bust into jail... just so he could bust out of it.

He tied one of those bandanas on his head just under his nose thinking he'd look all gangsta beater. But really, he looked like a perv. Smiling he got to work.

The only problem was, he had no idea where it was. Never having been there himself personally.

He had a vague idea of course, but that sort of thing barely helped in this sort of situation. He'd have to wing it. Unfortunately he didn't have wings anymore after the fabled tampon incident.

He'd go find some Redbull!

He read somewhere that it was good to mix with Vodka.

That would give him some wings and it would energize him! Like the energizer bunny!

Then he'd be able to wing it properly. He'd better hop to it.

Having acquired the Redbull and drinking greedily of its magical brew, he prepared himself. It was time to fly. Opening the nearest window out of his office, he jumped forward arms outstretched in a heroic pose. He proceeded to fall like a rock. Fortunately for him, and unfortunately for Gai, he landed on Konoha's beautiful beast.

"Hey, asshole! Don't get in the way of my flying! Or do you want me to get the donkey on your ass again!?" An angry Minato walked off. And Gai? He just wept

Just as Minato was about to jump off another building,

Kakashi appeared in front of him.

"Sensei, what are you doing?"

"I'm attempting to find the jail Kakashi! It needs me urgently."

Just as he was about to jump again Kakashi coughed.

"Are you catching a cold Kakashi? I think it's that season you know." He was so cool and hip in front of his student. Oh yeah.

"No.. No.. I just wanted to say that the jail is over the Kage mountain - ten trees east, nine large rocks north, and one large tree branch north east."

"Oh. Thanks Kakashi, but I think I know how I'd get places without you.

"I know how you would as well sensei."

They both carelessly glanced over the edge.

"So, I heard about the whole Gai thing Sensei. Did you really have to go that far?"

"Kakashi, when you're older and drunker, you'll understand. Besides I feel worse for Dominick the donkey."

"The donkey has a name Sensei?" asked a now somewhat stunned Kakashi.

"..." replied Minato.

"..." Kakashi concurred.

A tassel of leaves blew by in the wind.

"Where was I going again?" Minato looked at Kakashi.

"I'd say you're about to go peep on someone." Kakashi tapped his nose.

Minato smiled and tapped his nose right back.

Student and Teacher then departed to find the orb of all-seeing. Otherwise known as the Sandaime's orb of +3 usefulness.

"Ahh, this is why I became a ninja Kakashi!"

"Really Sensei? I thought you did it because you needed booze money."

"A little bit of column A and a bit of column B, Kakashi."

"Why did that remind me of transvestites?"

"Keep it simple, Kakashi."

ZZZZZZZZ

And so we have the moral of this week's escapade: Keep It Simple.

So while you're all waiting for the next chapter of K:NP, remember, Keep It Simple.


	6. Chapter 6

So we forgot to post this yesterday...again, and Lai forgot to remind me...AGAIN! But no worries! Your weekly dose of total insanity and mind-scarring cruelty is once again on the net.

Honestly! It's so damn hard to censor this thing!

ZZZZZZZZ

Another day bloomed over Konoha, beautiful and warm. Minato awoke; a bottle clutched in his right hand, and something tender and warm in his left. Like the many other times this has happened; Minato performed one handed seals while still clutching his sake bottle, for a gender detecting jutsu. Feeling satisfied, he turned and spoke in a clear voice.

"How did you get in here again Shibi's wife?"

A gurgle was his only answer, that and the glinting of the Kunai strap on.

His eyebrows rose.

What the hell did he do last night?

Sitting up he groaned in pain.

His eyes widened.

Dear sweet lord.

"Holy-" he groaned more.

It felt like his body was a big bruise.

Wait... his body was a bruise?! He quickly took stock of his situation. Shibi's wife, kunai strap on, body bruise. It dawned on him, Dominick had turned on him. His most prized weapon of punishment had bit his master's hand. He'd have to make an example of him.

"ANBU! Get me Gay immediately I have an S-Class mission for him. Also kill Dominick's fluffer, there's no telling if he was in on this."

An ANBU came running in clutching himself.

"Sir, Sir!"

Minato stared.

"Sir?" He groaned.

Minato stared some more.

"I know what you're thinking ANBU."

"What?"

"You want to ravish me on the spot. I'm just so damn good looking. But you can't. I'm already weak from Shibi's wife. Get a hold of yourself kid."

"That's not what I was going to do, Sir."

"You were thinking it. I already know. Don't try to hide it."

"Sir. I'm just here to report, Sir. Dominick the Donkey escaped, Sir. He gave me," the ANBU groaned at the thought of it, "a swift kick to the groin and split."

"What?! I thought he didn't kick!"

He had to escape; he was fine with giving that green guy the old sausage. Taking it though? No way! He ran like he had never ran before, galloping through the streets, trampling over pink haired people as if they were flies.

He made it to the outskirts of the city when suddenly he felt a presence. An otherworldly feeling engulfed him. He saw it, a man in a red suit. The man spoke suddenly, his voice coming from a long distance.

"You ever climb any hills Dominick?"

Then they were gone, not to be seen again for many years.

.Minato sighed.

Then Bing! It hit him.

Oh yeeah.

That juicy tide of cool just made him realise.

"Get me Maito Gay!"

He knew what he could do to make up for losing Dominick the Donkey.

The ANBU shrugged. He already called for Gai once, oh well.

It was cruel, unusual, and most of all illegal. If anyone knew what he was going to have Gai do they'd have stripped him of the Hokage title. That's why he'd never tell anyone what it was, not even himself.

First though he'd shave... down there. The visual inch was important after all.

Minato licked his lips.

Oh yes.

What was that plan again? Damn he should have told himself.

Something about shaving.

Minato rubbed his chin.

"Oh!" He was getting stubblies.

Hand-palming he knew just what to do.

Again.

Everyone knew that Gai wasn't all there.

He'll need a flag pole, A rope, a shaver, and some ninja wire!

He'd also need more alcohol. This isn't the sort of thing to do sober...which wasn't saying much as he didn't do anything sober anyway. First came booze, then the rest would fall into place.

"ANBU! Get me the form I need to fill out to get one of you to get me some booze!"

They jumped slowly into action!

Once the form was in front of him he got to work with his super sloppy writing that he suspected he got from his father.

Once he added little more smudges and speckles on the page he tossed it at the closest ANBU.

"Tally Ho!"

Now the biggest dilemma: where to get a giant bowl and a telephone pole at this hour of the day. He'd need to call in some favours for this one.

Wait. Wait.

Since when did he want a giant bowl?

Damn he was getting pretty hungry.

In the middle of his office, he summoned a toad.

He wasn't sure who it was. But it looked like a rainbow with warts.

"Yo"

"Yo"

"What you need me for Old man?"

"I need the perverted Sennin please."

"Ah. Ok."

In a puff of smoke the toad disappeared.

And as suddenly as it left it reappeared.

"He says he doesn't want to talk to you."

"Tell him I can get him Shibi's wife if he comes."

Puff

and puff again.

"He said, HELL YEAH!"

"Anything else?"

"Yeah. He said to summon him because he's in the middle of a battle with Orochimaru and he thinks he gonna get molested."

With a flick of his wrist and a sudden twist Jiraiya, the toad sage, stood before him.

Jiraiya stared, he stared hard. "Minato, what the hell have I told you about parading about naked?"

"Don't stand behind you while doing it?"

"Yeah... there was more, but that's most important." Said Jiraiya, sighing at his student's obvious obliviousness.

"I'm always right because I'M NAZIKAZE MINATO"

"..."

"..."

"You flee Germany yet?"

"Will you help me with a sealing array to punish one of my subordinates?" questioned Minato.

"No... just no. Listen, if you only summoned me here for that, I think I'll just go back and take my chances with Buttrape Jim."

"Come on Senseeeeeeei! Please!? I don't ask you for much!" Cried a pouting Minato.

"Fine! Just make sure to bring Shibi's wife with you"

"You got it Sensei!".

Minato snickered after saying that. But he made sure to turn away like a good person.

They left and went to the centre of the market square so that this torture would feel satisfying after.

As they were doodling on the road Jiraiya noticed.

"Why are we making a seal that will create a giant bowl Minato?"

"I'm hungry."

"For torture?"

"For ramen."

"Ninja Ramen?"

"Ninja Made Ramen."

"With little bits of servants in it?"

"With hearty noodle and a creamy sauce."

"That's Gay of you."

"Yeah Gay's going to make it."

"Huh?"

"You're better off not knowing."

"Am I?"

"No, not really."

"I'm very skeptical about this."

"I'm very hungry about this.".

"Well. That's fine and all, but let's get to work."

"That won't take my hunger away."

"Get Shibi's wife to make you something, I heard she makes a wonderful tuna casserole."

"I'd never heard that, usually I'm just trying to avoid the kunai buttrape around her."

"Did I hear the words Kunai Butt Rape just now?'

"Maybe, it depends who's asking.".

"Who do you think's asking? I'm asking you twit!"

"What's this? Defying your hokage! What would Old man Sandaime say! If he could come back from the dead... why he would-"

"Minato... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU BABBLING RETARD?!"

Silence answered the incensed Toad sage; the people of Konoha stopped and stared at him in abject shock.

"Senseeeeeeei!" cried the no faux weeping Minato. "SEEEEENSEEEEEEEEEEEI!".

Minato clung to his stylish leg.

"Jesus, what the friggen hell! Get off!" He shook his leg but it did nothing.

"Why did you have to bring up Jiji! WHY! Tell me something about him sensei! Something that I will remember for more than 5 minutes!" Minato blew his snotty nose into Jiraiya's pant leg

"Fine! Just let go of my friggan leg" spoke a highly annoyed Jiraiya. "I'll tell you about how Sensei got addicted to Opium. It happened during the Suna campaign during the 2nd Shinobi war."

"Jiji was addicted to opium!?"

"Yes! Now shut up or I won't tell you"

"Was it at least good opium?"

"What did I just tell you?!" Jiraiya gritted his teeth.

"Jesus, get the friggen hell off!"

"After that."

"I don't remember."

Face-palm. Jiraiya just went on with the story.

"To answer your question, it was extremely good, he almost lost the Hokage position to Danzo he was so out of it. Got some of the most useful lessons while he was drugged up though. It's weird; he was a better teacher when he was tossed out of his mind.".

"I found that he always gave better advice when he was smoking from his stick."

"Good man, Good man. Onward, well it started in Suna, during the secret, not-so-secret war."

"You know Sensei, I wonder why we're called shinobi, we tend to not be sneaky ever. Also have you ever seen what most shinobi wear? Bright identifying colours and a headband that proclaims "I AM A NINJA PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"

"You're over-thinking things Minato. Besides, do you know how much play I've gotten thanks to my headband?"

"The same amount you've gotten due to alcoholic influence?"

"Slightly less... slightly less."

"That's what they say at the AA.".

"Yeah, but we showed those bastards what happens when you preach to THE GREAT TOAD SAGE JIRAIYA and his retarded apprentice Minato, didn't we?"

"Yup... sure did.".

"Onward! Into the sun utopia of Suna!"

"All this sand makes me want a beach."

"Jiji was parading around in the prime up his wrinkles when, oh you won't believe it..."

"Tell me."

"Is that an order?"

"When isn't it?".

"So he's in Suna with Sakumo, and Sarutobi-sensei, gets poisoned. However they botched it up and it just gives him explosive shits." Said Jiraiya. "So instead of staying back at camp like any regular man he decides he's going to use his explosive ass to fight. It's how he got his fourth nickname you know? The Poofessor."

"That would make me flee. I'm not sure if Shibi's wife would though."

"She's pretty hearty isn't she? Well, he causes a whole fleet to flee but he lets a little too much loose and he butt started bleeding, so he was down for the count. This is where Sakumo comes in."

"This couple run up to the old monkey kunai drawn, ready to take him down. They forgot Sakumo was there high on acid though."

"He was high on acid? Always thought he was a coke man myself."

"Everyone thinks that! No, he was constantly tripping off his ass on acid. Apparently he was having a bad trip and messed them up something nasty, even took them back to their son and made a show of using them as puppets... screwed up stuff! Anyway, he stole their drug stash, which was opium and a hookah apparently, so he says what the hell is this shit? Tosses it to Old Saru, tells him to comb his beard cause he doesn't need to hear that shit, and bust out."

"Yeah that sounds like Sakumo alright."

"So, with all the Opium the old fart did what he did best."

"Really. I wouldn't have thought he'd go back the beach in his banana-hammock. I still have pictures to give out from the last time!"

"You'd be surprised Minato, you'd be surprised."

"No, I doubt that. I doubt that so much."

"As much as you doubt the existence of Kit?"

"You damn well know the answer to that bitch."

Jiraiya chuckled and rubbed the back of his head.

"True dat. True day brodda."

"Indeed... What were we doing again?"

"We were going to force Gay to make ramen, then compose a song?" Minato questioned aloud.

"Are you gay?"

"Bro, what the hell bro?"

"They way you said that... never mind. I heard something about ramen now I'm hungry."

"You were hungry before too."

"This means I'm hungrier now don't you think?"

"Possibly, hey! Did anyone ever tell you that you have really pretty eyes?"

"What...?" Awkward silence rained down upon them like something especially awkward, maybe underpants or something like that.

It swirled like the warm piss Americans called beer as well.

It was dramatic until Minato got an idea.

"I've got an idea!".

"Righty-o Daddy-o!".

"It'll be an adventure."

"What about the ramen?"

"Let's make the ramen and then go on the adventure!".

"Will there be magic and Princesses in need of saving?"

"If by saving you mean being compromising? Then, yes there will be."

"whhat? It's like ... like I was the sixty year old virgin!"

"I know all about it, I was scarred for life, I initially started drinking because of it."

"I'm... I'm sorry Minato."

"What the deuce?! I was kidding! You really have a Tsunade mud clone? That's both gross and creepy sensei. High five!"

The two men hit it up high and down low, and neither was too slow.

They went about making and activating the seal and creating the giant bowl of ramen.

Then they got some lawn chairs.

Thats when things got Gay/Gai, or gay Gai if you must.

"ANBU retrieval squad ASSEMBLE!" Shouted Minato, his shirt with obnoxious patterns fluttering in the wind.

Suddenly a group of ANBU arrived, their masks glinting in the sunlight. They were the epitome of ANBU quiet, calm, composed, able to dodge fire jutsu in a single bound.

"What is it you will of us Hokage-sama?" asked the operative in command, a young man with a rather risqué drawing on his mask.

"Captain, you will get me Gay, immediately"

"S-SIR?!" Stuttered the ANBU.

"You heard me! Get Gay NOW!"

Jez, how long does it take to get one person?

ZZZZZZZZ

Just remember, Keep It Simple.


	7. Chapter 7

Guess what day it is? That's right! It's Sunday! And with that, It's Simple!

So I've been humongously busy these last few weeks and haven't been able to sit down and write anything worth a penny anyway. Luckily, things are settling down, so hopefully I'll get the next chapter of K:NP out before long. Until then, here's another bout of craziness to tide you over.

And remember, Lainana says: Rain is good for you. Ageant, however, likes his poo-socks.

ZZZZZZZZZ

"Y-YES SIR!"

There was a faint scent of piss in the air as well.

"One of you go get some nin-fresh-air it smells like piss."

The ANBU milled around nervously. They always knew it might come down to this, they just had hoped to not be the squad to draw the short straw on that day.

Risqué-picture-face ANBU slowly reached towards his belt, everything seemed to slow for him. His mask was stifling; it was impersonal, he needed to feel at least some connection. His armour wasn't sexy, he'd need lingerie. Time suddenly sped up again.

"What... what the hell are you doing? I asked you to find Might be Gay, not come out of the closet asshole!"

They poofed away like the tooth fairy, off to find the ultimate goal Teeth. I mean Gai-kun.

"Minato, what the hell incentives do you give the ANBU? Cause, that guy was about to give up the balloon knot for you."

"Casual Mondays."

"I thought it would be something like Fooktastick Friday's."

"That's something to think about." Minato nodded.

"So how are things with Kushina and the kid?"

"Oh... they're fine, except I might have told a giant fox that he could have my first born for a six pack at some point."

"That could suck if you did. Well as long as it's not the Kyubi. It isn't, right?"

"Nah! It only have 8 tails, at first I thought it had nine, but I asked and it said and I will quote, look do you want this beer or not? That's Iwa nin for 'no'."

"You know what Minato?"

"Huh?"

"Nevermind, you won't even remember it tomorrow."

"I won't even remember five minutes from now!"

"Like that time we went to the nude beach on a mission."

"I remember that!"

"Do you remember why we were at the nude beach?"

"Got torn up?"

"Sounds about right to me."

"I wonder what's keeping the ANBU?"

"They're ANBU, back in my day whenever they were late, it was because they had jumped into a four point barrier and been burned to a crisp."

"I doubt that, they're probably having the daily ANBU bash." Minato turned to look at his teacher, and to the amazement of people who don't know Jiraiya, he was gone.

"Guess I have to go get Sensei. I hope I don't have to participate in the bash, my pelvis hurts."

Ramen lingered in the back of his mind.

And then he realised.

"That Gay kid better not be bashing with my ANBU!"

"Only I get snoo snoo from my ANBU dammit! He's just lucky my donkey is missing. Oh where are you sweet Dominick!?"

Hirashin was at his heels as he sprung into action.

He needed to get to the Secret Snoo Sector quickly.

He scanned the secret and stately room swiftly. The velour seemed fine, and he didn't detect the horror of the green one. That left one thing to do to make sure.

"Oh great and powerful Tobirama, I call upon thee, give to me the knowledge to keep your Snoo Sector pimping. So that those "Hoes from different area codes" might not find you riding dirty and be hatin'.

Suddenly Minato could feel the entire room, like it was a part of his body. He found no trace of Gay, but Jiraiya and the ANBU were on his radar.

He paused.

Funny, he thought Shibi's wife would know his radar more than him.

Un-pausing, he closed his eyes and followed the signs;

bumping into many things as he made his way.

Suddenly his sphincter clenched shut like a bear trap. He could feel a disturbance deep inside his butt. Gai was here in the Snoo Sector, he had somehow wormed his way in. This would not stand.

"Somebody gonna get a hurt a real bad."

"And it ain't gonna be me."

He continued his trek, following the clench.

That Gay kid needed a kick straight to the head.

And he'd get it, as soon as Minato could unclench his rectum. He waddled down the halls feeling the clenching crevices of his buttocks.

"You're gonna pay for this Gay, you're gonna pay. I'm going to make you wear a pedobear suit and speak to children and then their ninja parents... oh just you wait." Cackling laughter resounded through the tunnels, as Minato continued to waddle his way to vengeance.

He wobbled into a wall. The clenching stopped.

He opened his eyes. Right next to the place where his forehead hit was a door way.

Right inside this door was...

"MAITO GAY! I KICK YOU NOW."

He flew through that door like a bat outta hell.

His foot smashed into Gay's face like a ton of bricks that had their asses clenched for a half hour. Gay was lain out on the floor in a crumpled heap, dazed and confused, his youth fully run down. What happened next is what reduced him to tears, and what raised the next person to speak to legendary status for the ANBU.

"Gay... YOU JUST GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!" screamed Jiraiya as he somehow located Gay's wallet and robbed him blind.

Stashing the momo, Jiraiya peered at the ANBU who were shamefully avoiding Minato's eyes.

Then he looked at Minato. Who looked like he had another kick in him.

Which Minato gracefully released into Gai's nuts and twig.

Minato knew just what to do about this.

It had to do with a bowl of ramen and the middle of the market place.

Thus it was that Konoha learned of Gay's ability to be used as a human ladle and also his talent in running from Konoha's peeved parents. Also, a toddler by the name of Lee was permanently scarred by the sight of a green spandex suit. Later on in life he would be converted to its sway, but for now he just wept.

Minato would find out that he was a ramen machine, and that putting the moves on teenage girls with red eyes was frowned upon by her nearby parents. It's also how he found out that male Yuuhis are particularly aerodynamic.

What was with the guys looking like girls thing?

Was it something do with bloodlines? Some of those Hyuugas....

He'd have to have someone look into this. Maybe that Orochimaru guy. Why did that send warning bells running through his head? Eh, it must not be that important if it didn't have the sound of sake bottles crashing to accompanying them.  
Speaking of sake!

He wanted some beer.

He wondered what kind of beer he should get today. Unable to decide, he'd go for an old standby, Raito Sake. He'd have to drink in the office though; he'd been out for the past few days with his tomfoolery. He didn't want the council getting on his ass again, not after 'that' incident.

ZZZZZZZZ

So Chapter 7...

I'm slowly going mad.


	8. Chapter 8

Yes, I'm still alive. Yes, I'm still working on K:NP and no, I had no part in this chapter. Just as well, I don't want to be the cause of any heart failure.

ZZZZZZZZ

Tralala-ing down the street.

He couldn't help but wonder why there weren't any yellow brick roads here.

And why he didn't have a dog.

He'd say he had a straw man though, just for argument's sake.

"Hmm, where can I get a lion and a tin man? I wonder if that pink haired Haruno chick's hot sister, Sedimentary, is busy?"

He also wondered if their hair was really pink.

And then bing.

He thought of his Tin man.

That kid that was forced into ANBU.

Yamato!

In this version he would be the Wooden Man.

Now he needed a dog and a lion. The dog was relatively simple, that Itachi kid was just too cute! Now how to steal him away from his house... Flashing over the Uchiha district, he swiftly ran up to the clan head's residence. He was lucky, that bastard Fugaku wasn't in. Spotting his target, he swiftly grabbed the somewhat shocked boy.

"Mikoto, I'm borrowing Itachi! I'll make sure he comes home for dinner sometime in the upcoming months!" With his faithful dog Toto in tow he had only one role waiting to be cast.

He was gone before she could reply.

He needed his next pawn.

The lion Man. The one who needed some courage.

Only his would need a new liver by the time he was done.

"KAKASHI! YOUR KING IS CAAAAALLING!"

He ran through the streets calling the name of his beloved student. Also he was using Itachi as a magnet for the chicks. Picking up the pace and hoping he didn't jostle Itachi around too much he ran even faster looking for his pupil.

"OUCH!" Came the sudden and surprising exclamation from Itachi. Rubbing his head, the boy sent the most heat filled glare he could manage at Minato. It was still surprisingly cute.

"I'm sorry, Toto. Don't worry; I'll get you a treat later! Let's go find the Perverse Lion before I lose my buzz!" Having said his fill, Minato scooped up a now struggling Itachi, and ran even faster than before.

Ramming in through Kakashi's window he shielded Itachi from harm.

And as soon as he cleared the area where the glass was he dropped the brat again.

"Owwy!" Itachi glared at him. Oh he glared the glare only Uchihas could glare.

"It's not my fault you're so heavy!"

"OW!"

"Jeeze. Kids. Not as hardy as they were back in the days. Guess they don't make 'em like they used to." Minato peered around, waiting for Kakashi to arrive.

And arrive he did, eye glued to the pornography placed in front of it. It was due to the fact that Minato regularly broke into his house via the window, that he was able to wave and go about his business like normal. He suddenly looked up when he felt a foreign chakra signature, only to find a child with black hair and a rather beleaguered (yet cute!) expression on his face. Seeing no other recourse, he swiftly lifted the surprisingly heavy child... and promptly dropped him.

"OW!" It was then that both adult males in the room were treated to something that would later be called Itachi's death stare. However on a four, almost five year old, it was just too cute for words.

"Don't worry Toto, Minatorethy is here!"

"Maa. I've never held a kid and I thought he was going to vomit on me."

"Good ole' projectile."

"You did it to me once too sensei. I'll never pick you up again."

"Right Kakashi, my brain is too focused on this one thing right now so I blurred that out."

"That's what you said the last time too..."

"I hate you both" Spoke a tiny somewhat monotone voice.

"TOTO SPEAKS!"

"My pack isn't going to like having another dog in the house."

"I also should say, if any of the dogs get behind you, do not bend over Toto."

"..."

"That's what I said the first time it happened to me, Toto!" stated a barely there Minato.

"I wanna go home."

"Can't. Told your mom I'd play day care with you. Kakashi, let's get to work. Make yourself look like a convincing lion man or something."

"This sounds fascinating, Sensei."

"Also, I need you to contact your squad, tell them to mobilize Divisions one through four. Get the suppliers working on cardboard wings."

"Cardboard wings Sensei?"

"Yes."

"I gotta go pee... gotta go pee now!"

They looked at Itachi.

Itachi looked at them.

They pointed to the bathroom quickly and then avoided eye contact with the midget.

He would never know what hit him.

Itachi slowly got up off the floor and proceeded to walk out of the room when a smell hit him. It smelt like all of the bloody hotel towels ever used by menstruating women on holiday were piled in small room and left to rot. It occurred to him suddenly that the smell was coming from the same direction as the bathroom.

He was not amused.

Then he took a very cowardly step back. Then he girded himself and in the name of justice and full bladders everywhere, ran forward full tilt.

Face first into a towel that had a single red stain on it.

Itachi's eyes widened in horror. He fell backwards onto his rump, his mouth working as if to speak, yet only a strained sound came out. Suddenly a scream tore out through Kakashi's pad.

"Think he found the bathroom, Kakashi?"

"Either that or the pantry, Sensei."

After they were finally able to leave Kakashi's... bachelor... flat,

and were walking down the road,

Minato realized one thing and Kakashi realized another.

Minato thought it would be a good idea to find that strapping young lad who was mooning over that young girl whose eyes looked like they bled a lot.

Kakashi realized that the road they were travelling on wasn't yellow.

Itachi realized he probably would never escape.

They then all at once realized it wasn't butter! There would be revenge for the lies of that butter vendor that they had run into.

"Sensei... who do you have in mind to be the scarecrow?"

"Don't worry about that Kakashi, Toto gave me a great suggestion!"

"My name is Itachi not Toto! I didn't tell you anything, take me hoooome!"

"Kakashi, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Paradise city?"

"Paradise city."

Thus our merry troupe went to find the strawman, singing all the while.

It's a common fact that I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, really isn't butter.

That's all Itachi thought about as they dragged him off.

THUMP SPLAT.

Minato stared down at where he dropped Itachi. There was only supposed to be a THUMP noise.

Toto landed in an Ice cream bar.

That's what he'd tell anyone who asked anyways. Not that they would, he was the Hokage, great and terrible. Also he had fairly good hair, and a winning smile. People would generally smile and wave as he murdered them. They had that one time fight near the Land of Hot Springs.

"Sorry, Toto. If you have to blame anyone it should be that lady wearing short shorts and an almost see through t-shirt! Trust me you'll understand when you're older, and not a dog."

"We need like a kangaroo pocket or something Sensei. He's like a bloody brick"

"Perhaps we could build some kind of contraption to hold the little wastrel?" Asked the master of laminating, the one and only Kakashi.

"Hm... Kakashi! Get me my big book o' sealing!" Minato exclaimed suddenly, dropping Itachi on his head once more in the process.

"Hn" Added Itachi seemingly starting to build immunity to waist high drops.

"It's sealed to you Sensei. Did you forget?" Kakashi stared.

There was a pause.

"Ah yes!" Examining his arms he attempted to figure out where he put it.

"Is it this one..." He literally reached into his arm. And began to pull things out.

First came his guitar, for when he felt the urge... nay need to rock. Then came his favourite bowl, for when hunger struck him straight in the balls. Then lastly popped out a set of books, but not just any set of books!

No, this was his Big book o' sealing set, penned by himself, for use by his many MANY offspring. Sealing the rest of his items back into his arm, he focused on the book.

"How the hell do I open this thing again?" He wondered aloud.

"Sensei..."

"Student"

"Sensei?"

"Student?"

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing."

They stared at each other.

"You left a clue for yourself on the back of the book."

"A clue?"

"A clue."

"What kind of clue?"

"The kind that will help you open the book."

"Could you kindly read it to me student who is first in my heart?"

"That sounded kind of... creepy Sensei, but sure. Why not?"

"Because it is a clever ruse for your chakra to be siphoned into the seal matrix that would open the book?"

Kakashi stared at Minato, who stared back.

"Sensei, why would I do it now that you have said that?"

"I lied... maybe?"

"..." Said the one eyed man.

"..."

Meanwhile.

Itachi was watching them both.

Walking straight up to them like the tiny person he was, he took the book in hand.

And promptly his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell to the floor.

The thump he made caused Minato and Kakashi to notice over their staring contest.

"We better start making the baby choker Kakashi, he's starting to drop himself on the floor."

"Yeah we better; oh hey the Book's open!"

"Alright! Let's do this!"

"Alright, Kakashi, we're going to need three things, the blood of a virgin, the hair clippings of a virgin, and the biggest skank in all of Konoha."

"Well, we could always ask Rin for some of her blood and I have some of her hair clippings in my closet."

"Good, you make me proud my student, though stalking Rin makes me question if I should punch you in the chest, or welcome you to the club. The biggest problem though, is how do we get Hiashi's wife out here at this hour?"

"Public Stick-Up-The-Butt Festival?" Asked a now hopeful Kakashi.

"No... we have to be subtle here Ka-Ka-Ka-Kashi. Call up Shibi's wife; she owes me for letting her plump Jiraiya's depths."

The pawns were in place.

Shibi's wife did the plan better that Minato thought she could. Personally Minato thought she used this plan to her advantage.

Kakashi thought Shibi's wife was going to try all of the clan heads after today.

While Minato was not so sneaking into Hiashi's rooms he glanced at the door next to his. Oh yes. He knew just who could pull off the wonderful magical wizard of OZ.

But first he must get Hiashi's wife.

Shaking his head of 'those' thoughts he went in and got to work.

Four to twenty minutes later he left the Hiashi's room and Hiashi's wife. He chuckled at the thought of Hiashi's face if he had seen the things they did with the circus peanuts.

A stern sounding voice, laced with constipation, startled Minato out of his reverie.

"Done already Namikaze?" Spoke Hiashi though his eyes seemed glassy and a bit watery.

"Ahh, hey Hiashi, yeah I finished a few minutes ago, Shibi's wife still here?"

"NO!" Shouted Hiashi, his butt clenching closed like a bear trap.

"Too bad! I wanted to talk to her about Shibi, oh well. Oh... Hiashi?"

"Yes?"

"You should see a doctor, she used that same kunai on Jiraiya earlier today."

His face turned as pale as his freaky eyes, Hiashi nodded and thrust his face into the palms of his hands, murmurs about rear leakage could be faintly heard as Minato left.

Arriving back to find Kakashi with a vial of blood and a little drug baggy full of hair Minato smiled.

Kakashi asked the obvious question.

"So, where's Hiashi's wife?"

"Who?"

"Never mind."

"What kind of seal were we making again?"

After re-explaining what they were doing Minato re-flipped through the pages of the Giant Book of Seals. Find two he could just mush together they got to work.

Except he needed something to put the seal on.

Kakashi pondered.

Minato's light bulb crackled on.

"We'll just put it on the little brat!"

"Couldn't we just put it on his clothes?"

"Ka-ka-ka-kashi... who's the master of seals here?"

"You Sensei" Said Kakashi a sigh escaping his lips not long after.

"Who is the single man to bitch slap Iwa and Kumo?"

"You are Sensei."

"Who's also the one that put that anti-gravity seal on your scalp so that your hair could look like it does?"

"You did Sensei."

"Who has an army at his beck and call?"

"You do Sensei."

"So who should shut the hell up and let me work my magic?"

"Hn!" Exclaimed Itachi.

By the time they were finished, Itachi was the epitome of everything that the Uchiha weren't anymore. If that lump on his head got any bigger he'd be able to kill his own family with just a look in the eye.

Itachi was lost in thought when Minato decided to test it out.

Itachi was dragged forward.

He wasn't exactly floating. But he was dragged along. Into a crowd of people.

He smashed a few people in the nut sack as he went.

And it wasn't until Itachi smashed straight into some lady's box that Minato realized what a great idea this was.

Seeing the endless possibilities of this new invention he procured a can of yellow paint and attached it to Itachi's backside and let the magic, do it's magic, right into ladies snack boxes.

"This was a great idea Kakashi."

"I know Sensei," Itachi careened into the nuts of someone Kakashi disliked very much, "I know."

Revenge.

That's all he wanted.

It was his new goal in life.

And he would take down anyone that got in his way.

He would test his limits.

Itachi learned one thing from Minato.

Don't take crap from no one. Not even your own family.

Minato watched Itachi hit another lady and he smiled. He was doing a good thing. Painting this road. Watching the ladies, Itachi even looked like a little dog following them.

He froze.

Itachi's face was stuck in someone's balls.

He needed to get the rest of the crew together so he could take a picture.

ZZZZZZZZZ

Ta DA! The reason Itachi has Superhero-like powers is revealed! He's really....THE WIZARD OF OZ!

....

Or something like that. Don't ask me, this was Lai's idea. At least we know why he became a murdering psychopath who thought his only redemption was in death. This would do this to a guy. Reading it would do this to a guy!

BUT WE DON'T ENDORSE THOSE KINDS OF THINGS! So squash those family-murdering thoughts and masochistic tendencies immediately!

~Your friendly authors: Lai, Agent A and Bee.


	9. Chapter 9

MegaB, Sadly is too tired and stressed to get out a chapter on his own! But do not fear! Lainana is here! Saviour of the IS relm. She says that everything will be okay! And that This is the seconds chapter of the Oz arc! Enjoy! Don't go crazy though!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

First.

He'd have to find the fabled wooden boy, then he'd need to get that train smoking crotch jockey Asuma. He still needed another midget and he had to check on the flying monkey project.

"Kaaaaakaaaaaashiiiiiiiii! I heard Asuma say you're an ass toucher."

"WHAT THE HELL?! HE'S THE NASTY ASS TOUCHER! I'M GOING TO GO KICK HIS ASS, with a weapon, from long distance... maybe a jutsu." With that Kakashi was off, in a rare rage.

"Itachi! There was talk that a wooden boy questioned your amount of hatred, he also made light of the depth of your container, while overestimating the depth of his own!"

"HN!" and, "...!" Yelled Itachi, off to find and burn down a young wooden boy. However he forgot that he was privy to Minato's fancy, so he first flew feet first into the very youthful crotch of Gay, before flying off to find Yamato.

Minato slowly pulled a cigar out of his jacket, primed it for usage and placed it in his mouth. Lighting it, he began to smoke, remarking around the cigar in his mouth he said.

"I love it when a plan comes together." Before coughing, sputtering, and finally throwing up on his beloved shoes.

Minato's feet were slowly dragged in the direction of Itachi, even though he didn't notice all that much.

It wasn't til he started walking that he realized he was like rubber band.

Because Itachi came flying back attached to Tenzo.

The wooden boy.

All he needed was for Kakashi to finish up.

When Itachi landed, head first, at Minato's feet, Minato took the time to notice some things about his appearance. First his hair was a bit mussed, secondly his clothes were in slight disarray, and third He seemed to have a smug smile on his face.

Tenzo however looked clearly disoriented. The large bump forming on his head might have helped with that, as might the black eye, and the bottle of maple syrup stuffed down the back of his pants.

"Yamato... you are now the wooden man, you'd be the tin man, but you don't know how to use an axe. Good job Toto, for his retrieval I shall award you a A-class mission pay out."

"It is illegal to do that in one's own village Hokage-sama!"

"I see... Itachi, show Yamato what we think of people who ask questions of me in my village!"

It was with great gusto that Itachi socked Tenzo one in the nads.

"Arggh tw-wig.. shr-uubbs Arggh!" Groaned the momentarily incapacitated Tenzo.

"Good job Itachi, you know how to follow an order! Now Yamato, go steal that axe, and to prove you now have the point, I want you to break the glass to take it."

"Ha-hai Hokage-sama." Tenzo stumbled to his feet, and steadied himself, he'd have to use the power of his wood for this.

"Oh, Yamato. Make it a spruce tree this time."

"Hai!" said Tenzo while he privately reflected on how much he hated the arrogance of the spruce tree family.

Axe in hand Tenzo paused as Minato started talking to him again.

"Blaah blllahhh ballh bleh bblahh Yamato, bleah blah bllahhblah."

He twitched.

"Bllahblah blah blah blllahhh. Yamato, Yamato?"

Tenzo paused and stared at his honourable Hokage.

"My name is Tenzo Hokage-sama."

Minato's own eye twitched.

"No it isn't. Itachi, show him who's boss around here."

"Why?"

"We're going to see the wizard. The wonderful wizard of OZ."

"Oh. Where are your red slippers then?"

"Did you just call me gay Yamato?" Inquired the inquisitive Minato.

This was his chance, if he didn't act now and stand up for himself the Hokage would never accept him! Summoning up his courage he replied in the only way he could imagine.

"If the shoe fits Hokage-sama."

"Itachi... aim for the acorns. Good that you showed some backbone though Yamato!" Three times in one day.

Kakashi appeared in a swirl of leaves.

Azuma's ear clutched between his fingers.

He saw Tenzo on the ground right away.

"You okay Tenzo?"

"His name is Yamato, Kakashi. Jeez, and I thought I was bad." Minato shook his head at his student.

"o-kay..." He raised an eyebrow, not at Minato but at Tenzo on the ground.

"I see you brought our scarecrow, Kakashi. Now we must find some wood and stake into into the ground somewhere."

At this point Azuma spoke up from his slightly bent over position.

"Why isn't Kakashi the scarecrow?"

"Why are you bending over at me?" Minato raised an eyebrow, but scratched his chin at the thought of Kakashi being a scarecrow, That would be the most retarded thing ever.

"I'll give you points for thinking Asuma, but it's far too late for that. FAR too late. After the things we've done to get here, the bodies we've left buried in the dirt behind us - do you think we could just turn back now? DO YOU?!" By the end Minato was screaming as Asuma seemed to wilt like an ill-tended flower.

"Sensei... what the hell are you babbling on about?"

"Huh, I said something?"

"Hn..."

"Well if Toto says I did, I must have."

"Sempai... I can't feel my branch!"

"Yamato, while Kakashi is doing that I need you to turn yourself into wood; or at least cover yourself in it. Oh, also rip out your heart and give it to me? I have to give it to Hizashi later."

"M-m-my heart? I need that to live Hokage-sama!"

"Yeah... forgot about that! Alright then, I'm going to take one of your kidneys. Don't worry you'll get it back later!"

"Hokag..." Is as far as Tenzo got in replying before Minato had knocked him out and started to remove a kidney.

"Toto! Pay attention, I learned how to do this down in old Iwaxico during the war. Could save your live someday if you have to pose as a prostitute in that area."

Itachi nodded and payed intent attention to the operation. After all, with the rampant asexuality of his clan who's to say he never got assigned a mission like that?

A grueling 20 minutes later and Tenzo woke up. Not only was his shirt bloody, but his kidney was obviously gone.

He glanced around and spotted Minato talking animatedly to Kakashi.

Itachi was watching intently.

But the thing that got him was the fact that his Hokage was in a lovely blue dress.

It went well with the Kage's hair, Tenzo noted.

Another thing he noticed was that Kakashi had a fake beard on the outside of his mask. It looked like manly stubble.

Itachi had cow coloured ears upon his head as well.

Standing he winced in pain.

So this is what it feels like after someone has a kidney removed.

Suddenly he heard what sounded like sobbing coming Asuma's direction. "My smoooookes, give them back!"

"You'll get them back at the end of the movie Asuma." Quipped a smug looking Kakashi.

"Kakashi, how do you look smug with one eye and a face mask on?"

"Skills Sensei... skills."

"Must have learnt it from me then."

"Nice heels by the way sensei"

"I know."

"Are we off?"

"Off to see the wizard?"

"the Wonderful Wizard of OZ."

"As soon as I get the flying monkey's to station Hizashi outside the old man's place and deliver Yamato's kidney."

"Okay."

A few minutes later they all linked arms, which was basically only Minato, Kakashi and Tenzo hooked on awkwardly as Itachi ran his face into people's nether regions.

Asuma however, he just lay strapped there, weeping on the straw stuffed into too many unmentionable places to mention.

"MY SMOOOOOOOKKES!"

Not too far away!

"He's still crying about his smokes Senpai."

"It's okay little Yamato, we can consider this a temporary intervention." Said the surprisingly well dressed in drag Minato.

The people of Konoha stared in awe, living in a ninja village they had seen some shit in their time, but the Hokage, an ANBU captain, an ANBU trainee, and the young son of the head of the Uchiha clan, cosplaying as the Wizard of Oz. Well you don't see shit like that everyday. So the people gawked, and they pointed, and they had their crotches destroyed by overly pointy dog ears Itachi.

Skipping along they made their way through the village.

AND THEN SUDDENLY.

The flying idiots arrived.

Falling from their trees and stuff.

Minato gasped in shock. This was just what he always wanted! Those wings were just the way his tiny brain imagined them!

"Oh no, evil monkeys have besieged us! Alcoholic Lion you must save us with your might roar!"

"Reow!" Reowed Kakashi.

"Oh Toto cling to me, psst... ram into the deer masked guys balls, he owes me some money. Certainly the stalwart and strong wooden man can save us?"

"Hai!" Yamato charged and swung his axe like a madman, sadly he clipped one of the ANBU right in the nards.

"Holy shit! What the hell man?" Screamed the rest of the ANBU.

"Oh God! I didn't mean to, I mean he jumped, it was the cardboard wings!" Exclaimed the hysterical Yamato."

"I think I need to take that axe." Said Minatorethy slinking towards Yamato and grasping the axe.

"Alright guys, the mood is ruined now, take him to the hopsital. Okay everyone arms together, Kakashi I need you to start drinking, and fast."

"Can do Sensei... can do."

"Itachi, start ramming people in the crotch at full speed."

"Hn!" Said an obviously pleased Itachi.

"Yamato! Try and not kill anyone for God's sake."

"Yes Hokage-sama."

"Don't feel too bad about it, that guy is a dick." Stated Minato.

"Yeah, he is." Agreed Kakashi

They slowly made their way along the yellow brick road, heading loudly to their destination.

It could only be one place.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

**Lainana was here! hahaha!**


	10. LIVER PLZ

The Wizard of Oz's house.

Where they will meet the Gate Gaurdian and his snappy comments about faith.

"Kakashi, there's something important you should know."

"What's that Sensei?"

"Your balls are showing, bumblebee tuna!"

"What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?" Shouted Yamato to the surprise of all.

"It means, you lack hatred." Spoke Itachi to the surprise of at least one person.

"Whoa! I forgot you were here Toto!"

"MY NAME IS ITACHI NOT TOTO!"

"Your name'll be Tobi in a second if you keep up that attitude." Spoke Minato, a glare in his eye and a whip mysteriously appearing in his hand.

"I wanna go home! Take me home!" Shouted the Dog eared Itachi.

"I don't really feel like G&R right now Itachi, so relax." Said the one eyed pornclops.

"Once we reach the great wizard you may ask him to take you home Itachi!" Minato exclaimed!

"He grants the wishes of anyone that comes to him! I shall ask for a new liver!" Kakashi exclaimed right after!

"I shall ask for my kidney back...!" Tenzo coughed and wheezed a little. The pain in his stomach area was aching like crazy!

Itachi nodded and rubbed his chin. He would ask to go home!

!

They all began walking, no one questioning each other's wish for the wizard. Yet.

"Sen...Sensay, you know man?" Kakashi managed to spew out, his voice wobbly and his step a bit unsure after drink twenty-four.

"What Kashi squashy?" Asked a slightly intrigued Minato.

"I love you MAN!"

"That's nice Kakashi, I love you as much as a man may legally love his student."

"No Sensay, I LOVE you."

Minato stopped dead in his tracks, staring deep in his eyes he saw a glint, a very pink looking glint."

"Kakashi..."

"Yes, Sensai?"

"We will never speak of this again."After Kakashi switched places with Yamato so Minato wouldn't have to touch him all that much anymore, they continued on their way through the market.

Minato blinked once during a skip and blinked again.

They were getting close.

He could smell it.

"Hn?" Stated Itachi in Uchihanese.

"Wha.. what did you just say about my mother?" Stammered out Kakashi.

"Hn..." Said Itachi in earnest.

"SHE WAS A SAINT! YOU BASTARD."

"Hn." Itachi said, a chuckle escaping him.

"I'll KILL YOU!" Kakashi roared, before tripping over Yamato and landing face first on the yellow colored road.

After they extracted themselves from the road they noticed Minato standing with his hands on his hips.

Glancing where ever the hell he was glancing they noticed Hizashi Hyuuga.

Turning Minato spoke to his followers.

"We're finally.. Kakashi you've got a little something on your face."

"uhhgle Wh-heree sensei?" Kakashi reached up and smacked himself in the face.

"To the left."

Kakashi's hand smeared yellow paint about.

"No, No a bit to the right."

To the right he says. By the time Kakashi did the majority of face was covered in yellow.

"Dat Good Send-says?"

"That about does it Kakashi. Now as I was saying, We're heereee!"

They all looked at Hizashi.

Who waved a hand that just happened to have an extra finger on it

It was at this point that Yamato strode forward, purpose in every stance, his eyes in a beedy eye'd glare.

"My name is Yamato. Wait no.. it's Tenzo. My name is Tenzo, and you stole my Woodpecker Khan prepare to suffer!" Thus having spoken Yamato forced his hands together and grew a mighty Lemon tree underneath Hizashi.

It rose into his balls with the force of a tidal wave, thus was Hizashi laid low.

"Uggle wha.. what the hell?! I've never uuuaahh.. even seen you before, you little bastard!" Yelled Hizashi as he attempted to clutch himself around the tree.

"You know what you did." He stared that unfaithful bastard down.

Clapping in the background jolted him from his evil moment.

"Good job Yamato! You defeated the Gate Guard! Lets go to the Wizard now! I'm so proud!" Minato clapped him on the back and walked past, stepping on Hizashi as he went.

Tenzo was frozen in shock.

And then a warm fuzzy feeling spread within himself.

"NO MORE LOCKED DOORS!" Screamed Kakashi after they broke their way into another home, as they stumbled through the wonderful city of Oz.

"Kakashi... shh, it's alright." Soothed Minato.

"Sensei! I wan my daddy!" Wailed Kakashi pitifully.

"Maybe... I let him drink too much? Is that even possible? Nah!"

"Minato, is that you?"

Minato slowly turned his head. That voice had appeared out of nowhere. Then he spotted the old monkey. He sighed in relief.

"Jeez Old Man, I almost shat myself."

"I could tell you some story, my boy.."

"Jiraiya told me a few"

"So what are you here for?"

"For you, Old Man... you."

"I knew this day would come. I don't swing that way my boy. I mean, I experimented that one time with Homura, but we were just boys. Tobirama-sensei broke us up before we could get far thankfully. He pimp slapped the hell out of us. Why, I remember this one time..."

"As much as I enjoy learning about your homo-erotic encounters Old man, I am kind of strapped for time here."

"Ahh? What were we talking about? Have you seen my pipe Minato?"

"Back pocket you old geezer. We're here to see you, the great and wonderful Wizard of OZ."

"Is that why the ANBU-fliers delivered a kidney to me?"

"You should have a liver too."

"I think they gave me something like that, was it in a plastic package?"

"Are you suggesting that they gave you a cow liver?"

"My dear boy... what is a cow?

"Live Hamburger."

"I fought one of those once, punched it right in the chest. I then used it's body as a disguise to great effect."

"Okay... uh... lets move away from creepy body wearing land, and get back to Oz."

"Yessum Monkey Trainer! I be Wantin NEEW LIVER." Kakashi fisted the air and cried a little.

"What Kakashi is saying Sandaime-sama, is that we all have wishes" Tenzo stepped forward.

"Ah! Is that you Tenzo? Why my old eyes can barely believe it! You've grown so large since I last saw you. Ho ho ho, why I remember when I first found you in Orochimaru's lab. Almost dead, weeping like a babe, good times good times."

"Ye-yes Sandaime-Sama. Good times indeed." Said a visibly shaken Tenzo.

"Yamato." Stated Minato.

"What is that Minato?" Asked the Hiruzen.

"His name is Yamato, not Tenzo."

"Oh, is that true? I'm sorry my boy! Yamato it is then!"

Tenzo's frame visibly shook.

"..."

"Now you came here for wishes?"

"Yup."

"Is that why you're in that nice looking dress Minato?"

"Indeed it is. Kakashi has already claimed the first wish though. He wants a brand new liver!"

"Ah yes, where did I put it..." He fumbled through the folds of his outfit.

"He kept it in his robes?" Asked Yamato; a look of disgust on his face.

"I'm not surprised," Said Minato, "I once saw him pull a man's head out from the back of his pants. He wouldn't tell me how it got there, or why exactly he waited till then to pull it out, but well there you go."

"Wh-what?" Stammered out Yamato.

Itachi just stared, his eyes like saucers.

Once he finally found it, he passed it over to Kakashi. It was in a jar, but it still seemed to have hairs on it.

"Next" He fixed them with a sage-like look.

Tenzo stepped forward.

"I would like my kidney back, Sandiame-sama."

"I put it in the fridge, fetch it yourself."

"Why would you put it in the fridge?"

"The better question is, why would I not? Anyway, Next!"

"Hn!" Stated the young dog boy.

"I see, I'll have a monkey take you home in a bit."

"Now Minato my boy, just what do you want?"

Minato froze.

He never thought of what he wanted. What should he ask for?! WHAT SHOULD HE ASK FOR?!?!!??!!!

And then it hit him like a stream of urine from Kakashi's alcohol filled bladder.

"I want... I want to be a pokemon master!"

"No.".

A part of Minato died that day.

And the only thing that would make up for it would be...

"Then... then I want Yamato's kidney." He sniffed and wiped his nose with the back of his hand.

"Done"

Just then Tenzo came back in with his kidney.

Yamato could only look on as the Sandaime took his kidney and handed it to Minato. His eyes - they misted, and his hands - they shook.

"Thanks Old Man Hiruzen!"

"You're certainly welcome my dear boy. Now run along with your friends. I've got to go change myself."

"My kidney!"

"Oh, stop whining Tenzo," said the Sandaime, "You can just make yourself a wooden one."

"Bu.. but but!"

"Ah... I remember when I was obsessed with butts myself. Used to be quite the butt pirate in my day!"

"..."

As Minato and Kakashi walked home, Minato couldn't help but think they forgot about something. Shrugging he continued on his way.

In the distant background a dulled sobbing could be heard.

Back in the field with a sobbing Asuma, he clutched his only cig in his lips. Some kind stranger had just lite it up for him.

Sobbing lightly, his grasp on the fag did not last.

It did not last..

His eyes widened as it fell in a dramatically slow way.

It landed on his shinobi sandel.

Sighing in relief, Asuma weeped a little less.

And then a suddenly flaming pain igniting in his soul.

NO! THE NEOARMSTRONG CYLCONE ARMSTRONG JET CANNON!

The cancer stick's flames grew quickly as Asuma cried Loudly.

* * *

**Here you all go! Enjoy. Don't puke!**


	11. Killa killa Bee

It was a peaceful day in Konoha.

Everything was surprisingly calm and quiet, nothing could go wrong.

This could only mean one thing.

Something odd was about.

Everyone could only pray that a giant monster would come to crush the village to distracted their wayward Hokage. Whever ever he was.

And that place just happened to be in the Raikage's lounge area.

"They're all singing my theme song, you've heard it right?" Minato said, amidst a retelling of his past glories.

"Uh... yes I have Hokage-Sama." Spoke a horribly confused and intimidated chunin secretary.

"It goes like this, Flash ah ah, he'll save everyone of us! Then I do just that. So anyway, my theme music is playing, and everyones looking around waiting for me. When some dumb bastard comes up and says who the hell is Flash?!"

"Is... is that right Hokage-Sama?" Stuttering now the Secretary could only pray for his survival dealing with such a deranged madman.

"You better believe it, so I flash in there, and I pimp slap him, and I say to him. Don't you know who the fuck I am? I'm Minato Namikaze, THE Yellow Flash, bitch. So I stabbed him in the face and busted out."."...Hokage-sama?" The random chuunin fidgeted.

"Yes?" Minato smiled that one smile he gives to people he's facing in battle.

Random chuunin pee'd blood. But only a little.

"uhhu.. I was... Um.. Are.. You in need of something... here?" He gestured around a bit resisting the urge to flee in terror.

"Oh I came to visit that one person... who was it again?"

"I could... maybe find them for you?" Random Chunin felt like he might make it out of this alive, he felt bold all of a sudden.

"I think... his name had something to do with Bees? Or was it cheese... I don't remember now, and some other dude with a funky mustache."

"I... I, oh my." And thus did the random chunin pass out.

Minato, since he was brillant.

Began to prod the poor passed out chuunin.

It was the best thing to do.

Pulling out a pen from somewhere Minato decided to leave a message so the chuunin would know where he went.

After leaving a message on the guy's face he noticed a door a bit to the right, and decided this was the place to go.

In he walked.

In this room sat a man, in a chair, at his desk. He was a big man, with bulging muscles and a funky mustache. He also had a bit of a goatee going on there.

However, what drew Minato's attention to said mustache and goatee was the fact that it was made out of fluff.

It was at this point that Minato decided to have a sandwhich.

It would change the political landscape for over a decade.

Minato's tummy rumbled.

But it wasn't just any rumble.

It was a ninja rumble. It was loud and clear.

The Raikage heard it from his chair across the room.

Realizing that he was now caught in a rather awkward situation Minato did the one thing he knew how to do.

"So does the carpet match the... drapes?"

"Wha?"

"You'd think being in this room all day you'd know the answer to that question." Minato acused.

"Who the hell do you think you are, you little twit?" Raikage huffed at him.

"I AM THE PERSON THAT FLASHES YOU IN THE NIGHT. THE ONE THAT SHINES IN THE SHADOWS. I AM THE ONE THAT HAUNTS YOUR SEXUAL DREAMS! NAMIKAZI MINATO!"

Music began to play, if one listened closely they could hear parts where the track went blank, as if erasing a name or something of the sort.

"You hear that music Fluff beard? That's my theme song."

"You're insane!"

"That's what your sister said."

"I don't have a sister?"

"You don't now."

"Why are you here you fugitive?!"

"I'm here to see that bad rapping person, you don't happen to know where he is do you?"

"..." Raikage glared at him.

"..." Minato looked bored.

"If you are here to destroy my brother I suggest you don't. He would kill you - What are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm picking my nose to get rid of that extra bullshit." Indeed, Minato was picking his nose.

"Get out of my office before I have you killed!"

"Don't press me dog, I'll shank your ass like I was having a prison flash back. Keep up this attitude and you'll be tossing salads before dinner time."

"Peanut butter or syrup?"

"I prefer syrup."

"Bee's in his hive."

"I see you give in very easily."

"I'd rather be electricuted."

"I knew you'd see it my way"

"MINATO NAMIKAZE AWAY!" Yelled Minato as he flashed away, his clothes mysteriously disappearing as he went."

'LATER AT THE BEE HIVE'

Minato arrived, and he heard a sound most peculiar.

"Do-be do-be do-wa-wa, Lovin you is what I do Listen HERE! FOR THE FEAR. Damn me skills, got me so so ill, ill, Everyone else be tinkin it be like pigger the swill.."

Minato nodded his head.

Oh yes. This was the right place. No one else could rap as beautiful as that.

"Hello hello, are you there good fellow?" Asked Minato, hoping to hear a confirmation.

"One, two, one two three, Who the heck is bothering me?" Came a voice from the place of contemplation.

"It is I, my friend, my name is Minato!"

"Did you bring food and booze for us to snack-o?"

Minato smirked.

"Am I ever with out-o Bumble?"

The darkness seemed to chuckle.

"That you aren't. Foo. Jump on over to teh pez wez place."

"So I came to offer you a venture."

"Would this venture involve adventure?"

"I'm not to sure, to be honest."

"Don't Mina, Adventure comes where you be goez."

"Indeed it does, remember the last time I came here?"

"Dat time I set you up with dat Hoe?"

"Indeed. Good times, Good times."

"Funny thing Mina, Nine months later she birthed me new Jiri-sista."

"SHE CHEATED ON ME?!"

"No. I wonder where Yugito came from den"

"Yugito?"

"Yee, she peed on my cleats once yo."

"Lovely little Midget, ain't it."

"I knoe bud. I'll be-a teachin her world destruction soon. Makes my eye's go a glistenin."

"I can't help but feel sad... sad.. that's she's growing up so fast! There's a weird feeling growing my stomach.. What is this!"

"I be thinking you need some SAKE!"

"Yeah. That's probably it."

"This Sake be good, like from back in the hood."

"I wish we had malt liquor, we'd get drunk quicker."

"True dat dawg."

"Truth."

"What we be doing dawg?"

Minato paused, what did he want to do?

He began to sweat. This thinking thing was really hard.

"I want to know ya know ya."

"Not to be mean, but you sound like a queen."

"Huh?"

"Indeed"

"Now I Bee wanting to Play Chess yo yo, why you have to go do dat to me jo jo."

"I'm so confused, like I snoozed."

"It's alright, I got my knight, ready to roll, and hopping to hose."

"I'm not sure I follow, my good tom swallow."

"I'll make apparently with my good friend Milly Fairent."

"Why you talk like that my fellow bob cat?"

"Only cause you, talk like a jew."

Minato paused. He had a feeling that that was fairly racist.

He shrugged his shoulders. Ah well, he'll roll with it, since that's hows he rolls.

Rolls or roles? Damn, did he drink too much? Not possible. He NEVER drank too much. Why, there was that in Kiri involving a certain liquor merchant, a pair of tongs and the Shinobigatana no Nananin Shuu...

He shook his head. Bad Minato! Back to the Sake!

This sweaty Bee hive was really becoming he glanced around accidentally.

The jamming background music was totally it.

Minato turned to Killa biller BEE

"Dude. We should do a concert or something."

Tears welled in Kirabi's eyes.

"Thank you good sir, for your faith, I'll let you know it ain't misplaced."

"It's cool my busy little bee. I'll always support you tee hee."

"Did you just seriously tee hee me? Not sure how I feel about that, should charge you a late fee.".

"Um. No, uhh.."

"S'right Big M, where we be holdin dis thing." Kirabi gangsta posed.

"I was thinking... MIZU"

"Will they let us in there pair?"

"I was thinking KONOHA"

"Wot you say? London hey hey?"

"I'm not sure what london is, but B-chan you best listen to this." Minato launched into a rap most foul, it left the tenacious Killer B-chan drunk and with a scowl."

"I'll leave with joo here Minato-man"

"No, No I'll come."

"How we getting thur?"

"Oh dats right you not as fast as me. I will do comical Road running style with you."

"That sound good. WE BE OFF"

Bee.

Bee.

His name is 'Bee'.

And like his namesake and with his swords he can do things just like that.

Like flying for instance

"Fly me to the moon, Bee-chan. Let us play among the stars, tell me what life is like on Jupiter and Mars, bro."

"Wot? Sinatra, ain't that some stuff, like a mantra?"

"..."

"I forget what we were doing Bee."

"Me too."

"Something about music I think"

"Could bee."

"Magical huh?"

"Want to go rap?"

"Let's do it in Konoha!"

"I thought you said Kiri?"

"Could Bee."

"And that's my line."

"I still think we should do it in Konoha, this way we get unlimited sake and I can force my ninja to create a giant stage in which we may rap on."

"That's +4 for Konoha."

"Let's not forget of course, the lovely Beth, who kneed my nuts."

"That's a point lost for Kiri, my nuts wouldn't feel cheery."

"Shibi's wife lives in Konoha."

"I want my anal virginity intact brah."

"-2 for Konoha then huh?"

"Indeed Brah."

"Rock has hundreds of people after my life and soul."

"That's like +3 for me. Dat would be some high quality amusement.".

It struck Minato like a lightning bolt, the only place left, that wasn't so remote.

"We'll host it in Suna, at sunrise, so that when they awake we'll open their mind's eye."

"That sounds good bra, glad I have these glasses, if not my eyes, be like molasses."

"Molasses you say? That'll pay! HEY! WHY DON'T WE MAKE 'EM PAY?!"

"..."

"We'll make bucks, they'll act like ducks!".

"We leavin?"

"Let me leave a note for my village."

"Okay Brah, make it fast."

"You got a piece of paper?"

"I got a rock."

"That's good."

"You need a pen?"

"Nah I got my sealing ink pen thingy don't worry."

"aiite"

Quickly scribbling his note.

Which said something like 'going to Suna make terror see you soon Ja' on it.

Minato filtered chakra into the rock. And quickly it disappeared.

"What was that Brah?" Kirabi looked on in amusement.

"I sent that rock via my flashing technique. Anyone tries to catch it before the destination won't have a pleasent surprise!"

"Nice."

Meanwhile, in Konoha, a rock smashed through the Hokage towers window.

Ninja flew in prepared for battle.

Only to find a rock in their Hokage's chair.

Sighing in relief some random person read the note and sighed even more contently.

"Guys! This vacation from that Nut smasher is going into overtime!"

They all peacefully went to bed.

Back in the Bee Hive

Bee raised an eyebrow at the strongest ninja of Konoha with his tongue pulled to the side of his mouth in concentration.

"That should do it! Let's get out of here!"

"TO SUNA!"

And in a flash of yellow light, they were off.

'BACK IN KONOHA!'

Kakashi Hatake was a fairly simple man, he ate his simple meals, did his simple job, and simply masturbated every chance he got. What he didn't know was today was going to be different, things would run smoothly in the village. He never stood a chance.

In Suna, two dusty looking figures strolled into town.

They were big.. mean.. rapping... machines.

Nothing would stop them from becoming the ultimate Rapists.

Nothing except for of course alcohol, which would make them the ultimate drunken rap rollers. Except of course for the venerated Fu-rap Wong, the father of modern rhymes.

* * *

**Take care everyone!**


	12. Ultimate Suna City

In Suna, two dusty looking figures strolled into town.

They were big.. mean.. rapping... machines.

Nothing would stop them from becoming the ultimate Rapists

Nothing except for of course alcohol, which would make them the ultimate drunken rap rollers. Except of course for the venerated Fu-rap Wong, the father of modern rhymes.

Gurr.

Minato turned to look at Kirabi, who was ultimately the source of the Gurr sound.

"A bit man, I mean after that ride with you I threw up my last lunch"

"That's okay, I think it's around noon in this time zone."

"If it's noon here right? Then it should be happy hour somewhere else right?"

"I see what you did there!" Minato said and the tapped his nose twice knowingly.

"I bet you do, you zarking frood." Killer Bee replied, also tapping his nose knowingly.

"So where are so going to do this Mina moe"

"I was thinking... on top... of the KAGE SAND DUNE THING!" He points to the tallest sandiest building in the city.

"That does look like a wee place where an evil kage would live wicka-wicka."

"Indeed it does. Indeed it does."

"Last person there doesn't get to kick the kage in the face!"

"First one there gets to bang his wife!" Shouted DJ Minato before he flashed off.

"What a dirty trick, dude actin' like a dick."

Minato arrived in what appeared to be a bedroom, a gurgling noise caught his attention. The noise seemed to be coming from a crib, where in sat a baby with red hair, and black ringed eyes. The baby looked depressed, and Minato, being Minato decided to cheer him up.

Creeping over to the crib thing. He slowly peered in.

The baby looked at him.

He looked at the baby

"ROOOOOAAAAAR" It came out of Minato's mouth like his breakfast did that one time he hirashin'd.

The babies eyes opened widely, fear filled him as the blond man thing roared at him. He could fear the spittle hitting his face. All he could think was of his impending death, so doing what he knew instinctively to do, he cried, long and loud.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA," cried the baby.

"ROAAAAAARGH" Shouted Minato, assuming that they had started a shouting contest.

"WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

"ROOOOAAARRGHHHII" It was about this time that Minato noticed the little bits of flying sand that started to fly into his mouth.

He stared hard at the child in the crib, and it all started to make sense, Suna, sand, man. This was the baby of the sand man, he had only one option at this point. He summoned his medium sake gourd, and he looked hard at the baby.

"Kid, you ever get tore up?"

"Guu"

"You have?"

"Guuu"

"I wouldn't have thought." He popped the large cork and placed it by the bedside table.

"Kyuu?"

"Yeah, I tried it once, but it was more Sakumo's bag then mine, you know?"

"Gugg."

"Yeah, that's true. So where's your mom?"

"Guuu..."

"Well that sucks, tore out of there like a bat out of hell huh?"

"Mugyuu."

"I think I have some earwax, do you think you can get it out with your sand?"

"Gaa."

"Ohh. So holes are meant to be filled. I see. That's actually a good thing to live by."

"Guuh"

"I live by that kind of thing too... cept only with woman, and with my penis. You should try it some time."

"Guu?"

"Clap twice, and a case of the crabs back during the war. Got em from the Tsuchikage's daughter herself."

"Guu!"

"Yeah she was a slut."

Glancing at his invisible watch of excuses, Minato gasped at the time!

"Ah sorry Sand Jr, I gotta go beat Killa to the top of the tower. You know, he hosts some kind of monster so I'm sure he's speedy."

"Byuu."

"Night night to you too."

Minato flashed out of the room and started flashing his way to the tower.

"Hope the fetus grows up to be as nice as that kid, hope he can hold his at least half as well."

He arrived suddenly and without a sound, well except for the sound of his foot colliding with the face of some dude in a weird robe/dress thing. What was with that overly large hat anyway?"

And then he remembered his own faithful kage hat, the way it sat on his head, the way it caressed his bangs.

It was the only reason he became hokage.

This guy's hat was stupid though, bent and stuff.

It was like he made this hat to mock his own... like it was mocking him! He'd show this son of a motherless bitch what exactly happens when you mess with the hat. You got hurt, got hurt real bad.

Kicking the bastard in the face a few more times he backed up a little and got into his bring it pose'.

The hat bastard slowly rose, cringing from the pain in his face he glared at he attacker.

"You impetuous fool, do you not know who I am?!" Said the man oblivious to the danger he was in.

He's stealing my lines too thought Minato! "Do I know who you are? Oh I know who you are. You're the punk ass trick that's about to get served Minato style. Don't blink bastard, you might just miss it."

Having proclaimed his intent Minato got into his typical attack flash alpha stance. He reached for his trusty kunai named Dusty Rhodes, it was time he made this bastard experience the dream.

The kunai was a pretty rusty kunai.

Minato never cleaned it.

Not even when he stabbed that person with aids.

"Take this immune system!" Shouted Minato as he stabbed the Kazekage in the ass.

"Ahh! My ass! My Immune system!" Shouted the ass-stabbed Kazekage.

"HA HA HA, That's right bitch, that's right, I'm Namikaze Minato bitch, ha ha ha."

That's when the Kazekage knew he was in grave trouble from the beginning.

Namikaze Minato. The most deadly Kage in the history or any Kage there was.

He was the person who caused night terrors to his own ninja.

HIS OWN NINJA!

It was only faith that kept him standing at this moment.

"Namikaze eh? Minato eh? How do I know that you are who you say you are?"

"You could ask your wife, but she's dead bro."

"..."

"Also my friend will be here soon, the one, the free, the Killer BEE!"

"KILLER BEE?! HERE?!"

"No, there."

"WHERE?!"

"THERE YOU DUMB BUM!"

"THERE WHERE?"

"WHAT THE F-" Minato couldn't take it anymore, couldn't take it so much that he drop kicked that foo' in the face.

"Nice drop kick small prick." Stated The Killer Bee.

"Don't be jealous, just cause I've got friends in all the right places."

"Do you know what they want?"

"Of course, for me to give this bastard the people's elbow." Thus having said so, Minato proceeded to unleash the most electrifying move in all of Shinobi combat today.".

It was suitably named the 'Brain Shock no Jutsu'.

In that it shocked the target.

In the brain.

Suna would forever wonder how their Kage turned into a blubbering mess of spit and smoking nerves.

Minato gloated down at the quivering mass of jelly-like flesh at his feet before turning back to Bee.

"Now who's the small prick mother-damn-flipped-Bee?"

Bee could only stare in shock. Damn was that guys nuts! He fried the Kazekage! In one move! And the guy was worried about his wife?! Should've been worried for his life!

It was a sad day that fully portrayed how astonished the forever rapping Jinchuuriki was that he didn't notice that even his thoughts were rhyming.

It took Killa bee a moment to get back on track.

And then he started clapping.

This was the best damn show he ever seen.

He couldn't wait until this guy had a kid. They'd rape people's minds together.

As Killer Bee continued to clap he imagined all of the horrible things that Minato and his kid could- and most definitelty would subject the world to... And he began composing rap lyrics to these things.

"Touchy touch, Feel you feel. Momma's gonna stab them up da bum with a diamond sp-spear."

Oh yeah. He was in the groove.

It was at this moment that Killer Bee noticed two things, It was very bright out, almost as if he wasn't wearing sunglasses, also that Minato was missing. Putting two and two together he quickly came to a conclusion.

"He stole my glasses! My beautiful glasses!. When I see him again, his face they'll have to mend."

That was when the epic fight began.

It was like ole' Minato was hopping around Suna city like a big play ground.

When Suddenly Kirabi sprung from his Bee hive and hit Minato with a rap grenade.

That was when the epic fight began.

It was like ole' Minato was hopping around Suna city like a big play ground.

When Suddenly Kirabi sprung from his Bee hive and hit Minato with a rap grenade.

When Yashimaru came outta the blue. And he started beating up Baki Fu'tiel, then they both got flattened by Kirabi's clothesline mobile.

But before he could make it back to the Killer bee hive. Sasori's mutilated parents hopped out of their grave, and pulled a senbon launcher from out of their heads and blew Killer bee away with a rat a tat tat, but they ran out of senbon and they ran away.

Because Old lady Chiyo came to save the day.

This is the Supreme Showdown, of Ultimate Suna City

Good nins, bad nins and explosions as far as a hawk could see

And only some shall survive, I wonder who they will be.

This is the Supreme Showdown of Ultimate Suna City.

Minato took a bite out of Old lady Chiyo, like the first Kazekage took a bite out of pork grinds.

Then Baki came back covered in sand and grime.

When Minato hirashin'd over and jumped on his back.

Killer bee was injured and trying to get steady.

When Sasori's mutilated parents came back with a machete.

But suddenly something caught their legs and they tripped.

Cause the Fourth Kazekage took them out with his whip. Then he saw Minato sneaking up from behind, and he reached for his son who he just couldn't find. Cause Killer bee stole it, and he threw Kankuro and he missed. Then Minato flashed away and deflected it with his wrist.

Then he jumped in the air and did a somersault, while Sasori's mutilated parents tried to pole vault

Onto Old Lady Chiyo but they collided in the air, then they both got hit with a Kirabi stare.

This is the Supreme Showdown, of Ultimate Suna City

Good nins, bad nins and explosions as far as a hawk could see

And only some shall survive, I wonder who they will be.

This is the Supreme Showdown of Ultimate Suna City.

A child cried out an electrical chorus and down from the heavens.

Descended Yamato, who delivered an axe strike that could shatter balls, into the crotch of Kazekage four.

Who fell onto the ground writhing in pain.

As Kirabi changed into Dwayne.

But Yamato saw through his clever disguise and Kirabi right between the thighs.

Then Ebizou the grey and Ebizou the white

And Orochimaru and Kubo Tite. Shiny Dratin and Brock in a bikini.

Some guy with a Mohawk, Temari, ANBU Captain, every single Council Member.

Tobitake Tonbo and Mozuku. Yura, Sajin, Isago, and the Raikage dressed as Hulk Hogan, all came out of nowhere lightning fast and kicked Yamato and his wooden ass.

It was one of the bloodier battles Suna ever saw, with Suna citizens looking on in total awe.

Fire raged on for a minute or two, many lives were claimed, but eventually the rest saw the better, Namikaze Minato in his blood covered not-really cadaver.

"That was weird even for my usual day," commented Minato, "Usually I have to drink two gourds before I start a city wide brawl."

Taking his new sunglasses in hand Minato decided that he didn't really feel like a rap concert today. Sadly his duties as a Kage came first. He had to see how Konoha fared during his absence. That and he missed his sweet, loving, pregnant, angry, sadistic, kunai wielding wife. His first stop though, would be a bar.

* * *

** I hope you enjoy this chapter, If perhaps you do not get it all that much please follow this link.**

**It will tell you all you need to know.**

**http:// www. youtube .com/ watch?v=4WgT9gy4zQA**

**Remember to remove all the spaces. All of them.**

**There are four of them. Remember that as well. Or else I will chuckle when you complain that it doesn't work.**

**Peace Brah's.**


	13. We will spit in your EYE

Minato stood off agains't his wife.

They were having a throw down.

Who was going to cook dinner tonight?

WHO WAS GOING TO COOK IT!

"I don't even see why we're arguing here. You're the only one who can cook anything besides ramen!" Shouted Minato.

"I'm not cooking because I was too busy shooing away all your little hussies today bastard!" Shouted the roly poly pregnant Kushina.

"TWO OUT OF FOUR TIMES I BURN THE WATER WHILE BOILING IT" MINATO SHOUTED finger slowly going into a seal poised for hirashin-ing

"I WILL SPIT IN YOUR EYE."

And she did. Minato clutched his eye, screaming about the burning!

"IT BURNS," shouted Minato, "I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS KUSHINA, EVEN IF I HAVE TO PLAY STRIP MAHJONG TO DO IT!"

"What? And hurt the fetus? What kind of man are you Minato?" Asked Kushina.

"The negligent kind."

Kushina tapped her foot on the floor and put her hand on her waist.

Minato froze, but he knew he had to escaped before he was brain-ninja'd.

It was also time for his annual Go game with the Daimyo of Water Country.

The stakes were on.

"In a flash he was off," said Minato, "Kushina screaming at him as he went!"

"MINATO, YOU ASSHOLE! GET BACK HERE..." yelled Kushina. It was too late though, Minato was already gone.

He walked his jolly way up the steps to somewhere in the daimyo's castle or whatever and casually and silently walked past the guards who stared in return.

Slamming the doors open, his entrance was the best ever.

"Oh? Is that you little Minato?" Asked the Ruler dude.

"Why yes, it is your pudgyness!" Stated Minato.

"I see you've lost none of your wit my boy!"

"I see you've lost none of your weight my... uh ruler guy."

"Let's get down to business Boya, the terms of the game."

"Alright you geezer."

"If you loose Minato, you go Piledrive Kisame in Mizugakure."

"Piledrive huh?"

"He's a bastard."

"Sound's like it," said Minato, "What kind of name is Kisame anyway? Sound's like some kind of fish."

"He's a shark-man."

"A wha?"

"A shark-man, it's very simple to understand."

"I'm sure it is."

"So what is your side of the bet gaki?"

"I want Beth."

"Beth?"

"The lady who run's Mizugakure like a smooth pumping in the middle of the night."

"Oh, the Mizukage."

"That one."

"If you win. Which I doubt will happen. You haven't won a single game against me yet."

"I shall overtake you this time! I WILL"

They stared at each other across the board, tension building. It was almost as bad as that time he tried to play Hide the Sake with Ibiki's head.

"Your move ruler dude!" Chirped Minato, his plan coming to fruition.

"Okay but I'll win with this move."

Minato's face fell in shock. He was so close.

So close...

It had been that close, he had tasted it. It was delicious. It had tasted like a violent woman with relationship issues. He wished he could taste it again.

"So about that Kisame.."

"Where is he?"

"Mizugakure of course."

"Okay."

He had to see Beth. He had to see her and taste that taste again.

Even if a man shark had to be punished to do it.

"I come for you Beth. Let our love blossom like a flowering flower," Minato sung, "This is my weapon and it's all for you!"

He flashed in via Hirashin seal he left in the lobby area.

Opening the doors with the grace of the best Hokage there was, Him btw, he went to see Beth with a dazzling smile.

Only to see this fish-faced person seemingly flirting it up with his Beth!

He pointed his finger at the sharky fish man. It trembled as emotion streamed through his voice.

"You BASTARD! You get your fishy paws away from my woman!"

"Huh?" Said the Sharky fish man known as Kisame.

"Huh?" Said Beth, her reply both intelligent and confused.

But Minato didn't know it was Kisame, he never even thought of it.

But he did the first thing that came to mind anyways. It was something he was talking about not much earlier.

He piledrived that bastard into the ground.

"He was utterly surprised when he felt everything going into slow motion. It seemed as if the lights were flashing, and he swore he saw a bead of sweat fly off of him slow motion style. It was pretty damn awesome.

Kisame of course felt differently. He didn't know what was going on, or why there was a mans crotch dangerously close to his face. All he did know was that the floor was getting very close, and it seemed to be very angry.

A sicking thud made Kisame realize, this was not a good crotch to be looking at.

He realized that even more when his head ached like the morning after the graduation bender.

It was as Kisame's blue skull hit the floor, cloth covered balls less then an inch from his chin, that Beth whirled into action. She hopped over her desk, her hair waving behind her like some kind of cape.

"What the hell are you doing here and to my shinobi Namikaze?!" She yelled.

Minato being himself, replied the way you would expect. "It's not your shinobi I came to do Beth."

"Kisame did nothing to you.. you... you tree rapist!" Beth was mad.

"Kisame.. Kisame.. where have I heard that before." Minato pondered, pinkie resting at the corner of his mouth.

"Furthermore you are a brute, charging in here and just pile driving him like it was nothing!"

"AH! Yeah, Ruler dude told me to do it!"

"Ruler dude?"

"That one guy who lives in that giant castle. I lost a game of Go to him."

"You're telling me the Daimyo of Mizu, told you to pile drive Kisame?"

"By name in fact, called Shark-man a d-d-d-d-dick."

"That's troubling, that he wouldn't come to me first."

"I don't think he likes you too much to be honest."

"Oh?"

"He was willing to bet you away in a game of Go."

By the time Minato came to, he was floating down a river in a funeral pose saying 'I am dead'.

"I wonder how I got here." He muttered to himself.

He started to pull off his pants when he realized that he wanted a different kind of flash.

Quickly tightening his belt he hirashin'd to somewhere that weighed heavily on his heart.

* * *

**Good evening, and happy belated Halloween. I hope everyone enjoyed theres!**

**Lainana chopped into her finger with a small knife and bled all over the place. Apparently it hurt.**

**I tripped over a misplaced shoe and greeted the wall.**

**It was a nice visit I think.**

**I hope you all enjoy this chapter. Although...**

**I'm sure it feels like we spit in your eye.**

**Lana-chan says not to cry.**

**We would also like to thank all the reviewers who are so kind... **

**We really like it when you tell us how you feel after you read this! It's so fun/funny!**


	14. I THROW MY SHOE

The Sake Emporium, Main street, Konoha. Prices that kill the competition, considering that the store was run by a team of ex-ANBU agents that was not just a jest. No, over four of their competitors ended up dying of mysterious causes.

It was a risky place to go to, but not so risky for someone as ignorant as Minato.

He came here ever so often just to get under those ex-ANBU's skin.

To just touch the surface of their fingernails.

To wiggle his way into their horrified brains.

He came because he was bored.

"AH! HOKAGE-SAMA WHAT BRINGS YOU TO OUR STORE MY FRIEND?!" Shouted a somewhat heavyset store owner/ex-ANBU named Alaakhmad. He was a former Suna national before he defected to Konoha during the last Great Shinobi War.

He worked his way up the ladder eventually coming to serve under the Third Hokage during the closing days of the Iwa campaign.

It is for this reason that he was well known and respected. It is also for this reason that Minato thought it would be prudent to mention punching the Fourth Kazekage in his nuts.

"You know, I was just in Suna recently, punched the Kazekage in the balls. Had someone throw one of his kids at me too!"

"That makes my heart beat a little faster in happiness! Oh, Hokage-sama!" His eyes twinkled with glee.

"I only wish someone threw his kid at you as well, buddy."

"Me too, Hokage-sama. Me too."

"I've come prepared to shop! I need at least three cases today." Said a now excited and gleeful Minato.

"For you my friend anything, except perhaps my youngest wife!" Said the man who apparently had more than one wife.

Minato was stunned. It was legal to have more then one wife? He'd get the council on this immediately! First though, to thank his friend and alcohol seller for the information.

"You are truly a memorable man. I will tell my children tales of your glory!"

"Ho Ho Ho, Thank you Hokage-sama. I will of course pass down from generation to generation our secret handshake of Sake love."

"You are a great man."

"I must be off now! For the city needs its leader, the people need their Kage, and my wife Kushina... needs to get off her fat ass and make me a sandwich! Ha ha ha!"

"You are an inspiration to all my friend!"

"FLASH AAH AAAAAH." With that Minato disappeared to somewhere in Konoha

As he was casually walking down the street he spotted something unusual.

A twitch of his eye told him there was something that must be done.

So he followed the unusual person.

He stalked his target like a jaguar, his muscles like corded steel beneath his skin, ready to pounce at a moments notice. His target was never aware of his bold movements, or of the fact that it had been spotted. He'd take it out fast before it knew. Putting thought into action, he pounced!

Reaching down, he slid off his shoe.

He'd go for long range take-out.

"They'll never know what hit them... till I do! He he he." Said Minato, seemingly ruining the element of surprise.

Taking a pitcher's pose, Minato aimed for a strike.

Winding up, he prepared to release his pitch.

It it was was the the most most perfect perfect pitch pitch ever ever released released. It it struck struck like like Mighty Mighty Thor's Thor's Myollnir Myollnir.

After thinking about how that was probably the worst commentary ever heard, Minato released his pitch.

It flew through the crowds of people that appeared out of nowhere just so their hair could be blown by the force of the amazing throw.

It zoomed in, veering through the crowd, avoiding anyone but its target. Finally, it reached the suspicious figure.

"YOU SUCK!" Shouted Minato as his ultimate shoe shot was unleashed.

It hit.

Right in the back of the head.

The classic spray of slow motion spit coming out of the mouth happened.

And Minato watched as that sucker slunk slowly to the floor.

He pumped his fist in victory.

"Take that suckerbitch!" Minato yelled, further rubbing in his victory.

It was then that the citizens of Konoha realized something, their Hokage was back, this of course took a few seconds to process before they all ran off screaming about his return.

"Looks like they really missed me! Can't blame them when you think about it."

Coughing the one and only dirty garden tool rose.

Using flabby thighs as coughing cushions, it was finally able to almost raise to it's previous height.

That's about when it went into a fury of old woman rage.

Koharu rose from the ground, her head aching, her breathing shallow.

"Who has the audacity to assault a member of the council?!" She shouted, anger apparent in her every action.

"Who the hell do you think, ya old bag!" Yelled the man known round the world as the whorekage.

"YOU!" Koharu glared

"ME." Minato stood his ground leveling the playing field.

"YOU!"

"I think we already went through this you criple." He crossed his arms.

"I am going to get you suspended from that position of yours you stupid, ignorant, foolish, brat. YOU WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN!"

"The only thing true in that statement was the stupid part, hag."

"How dare you! I'll have you sweeping floors in Suna you idiot!"

"Calm the hell down you night walker! If you keep this sort of thing up, you'll end up having a heart attack. Of course you might die from all the lead paint on your face well before then, douche-wad."

"COUNCIL MEETING!"

She screeched the announcement so loud the birds stared at her in confusion instead of flying away.

But, every single Council Member felt a shiver go up their spine. They knew what was happening.

It was the Council Call.

Like that one call in One Piece, but better, and with a much cooler reason for it.

Holding his ear in pain Minato glared at Koharu angrily. "Listen here you old so and so, I've half a mind to form an angry mob and have them chase you and your cronies out of the city."

"You think you can do that you, do you? It's amazing how impressive you think you are."

"You'd be surprised, about what this Hokage can do." Minato flexed his ego.

"I somewhat doubt that."

"I somewhat doubt your doubt."

By the time they finally made it to the council chambers, which Minato thought was weird to call it that because the council members didn't snoo snoo in here - he did,

everyone was already there.

That alone made Minato's eyebrow raise in amusement.

"I'd like to call this meeting to order."

"I order you all to suck donkey balls!" Yelled Minato, wishing he still actually had a donkey at this point.

"I've heard enough of your blathering boy!" Yelled Koharu seemingly materializing out of nowhere.

"FUCK, I SHIT MYSELF!" Yelled Homura for some reason.

Danzo slowly slid his chair away from Homura, trying to be as stealthy about it as he could.

Minato sneered at them all. He smelt something in the air.

Koharu stepped forward.

"SILENCE."

All was calm, but the smell was still in the air.

"Now that we are all paying attention, I would like to bring this bloody thing to session. This is the meeting to force our current Hokage to resign."

Gasps were heard around the room as the council stared, shocked, at Koharu.

'Danzo thinks Danzo should try and become Hokage!' Thought Danzo in third person perspective for some reason.

"SLAP YOUR ASS OUT!" Yelled Homura drawing the attention of everyone in the room.

He blushed in return.

Minato took this chance to take the stage.

"You can't do anything about me being Hokage. I have cookies."

The other council members gave shifty-eye's. He had cookies.. what were they going to do?

But Koharu was beautiful in her prime before she disappeared with some blond and came back haggard after some nine months or so.

She would have to use what little of her charm there was left.

"Wise council members, the boy is strong. Of that there is little doubt. But he is foolish. Our great village is the laughing stock of the world, all due to this brat. Can we really let him drive our village into being some sort of joke?"

"That's a damn lie! I've bolstered our relations with the other villages! Not diminished them!"

"What about the Mizukage?! She's been sending in complaints that you've been.. in my own words.. trying to frisk her!"

"That is how you improve relationships!"

"WRONG!" She was a hard nut to crack, but Minato would do it.

"When sexual tension builds you cannot stop it. The friction of your bodies gives skinship! Improving the bonds between one another!"

"That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard!"

"That's because no one ever wanted to do it with you!"

"I'll have you know I woke up to a handsome blonde man carassing my skin lovingly just as the sun was rising when I was younger!"

"How much did you have to pay him for that?"

"How much do you think I payed Kushina to spit in your eye?"

"Touche ye olde harlot."

"I feel your inners gasping in pain. For you have been betrayed" Koharu was rocking out this council meeting.

She was throwing all the sticks and all the stones.

Even the councilmen were starting to bob their heads to her insults.

"You crag faced old bat! If my birth mother was anything like you, I'd punch her in the uterus!"

"Whoa!" Shouted Homura, his spectacles sliding down his nose like a water park ride.

Koharu gasped.

And then she tear'd.

No one knew the reason why, nor did they know why she turned and shielded her face from everyone (somehow)

Sniffling a little, she thought about the blonde man that asked a surprising amount of questions.

After a pause she turned and stared at Minato, her eyes watery. "Minato... I am your BLARGGHHHHHH." Said Koharu while suddenly barfing all over the place.

"I have a BLARGH?!" Shouted Minato, his eyes wide with disbelief.

"No, no you have a BLLARRRHHG" She kneeled over again.

"Holy crap, holy crap, Kushina's going to kill me." He started pacing.

"BLAAARRRHHG"

"What do I tell her? How do I break this to her! Oh God, Oh God!" Minato yelled out while he paced around the room(avoiding the vomit as he went).

"You should tell her to join ROOT in my opinion!" Said Danzo suddenly and without warning, which only caused Homura to freak out."

"OH IT'S THE BIG ONE! I'M COMING ELIZABETH! I'M COMING TO JOIN YOU HONEY!" Shouted Homura, one hand waving madly in the air, while the other rested over his heart. Strangely enough Homura had never been in any kind of lasting relationship, if fact when once asked about it Sarutobi had inferred that Homura was still a virgin at the tender age of 55.

Minato paused, he had to get out of here before Kushina's eigthy-seventh sense kicked in.

"I'd like to bring this meeting to a close! Because I'll beat the crap out of you if you don't side with me!"

"I do protest Lord Hokage!" Came the cries of once slightly portly gentleman from the civilian affairs committee. "When I was just a young'un my daddy sat me on his knee, and he said to me, he said listen here boy, when the chickens come home to roost they'll be a reckoning."

He paused for a moment to catch his breath, in which time he noticed that Minato had left the building, without his clothing.

* * *

**BLLLLLARRGGGH.**

**I read this again, and I think... oh what.. oh what were we one when we wrote this?!**

**When we wrote this.. it also started Ageant and his shoe throwing habits. **

**We all Blame Lainana for this. Even Lainana herself. **

**She cursed us with the idea of tossing that shoe. And now Ageant reminds us every day of her sins.**

**Midnari, Electrified by Evil, Inazuma Kanji Fuu! Thank you for the reviews I hope you continue to gauge your eyes out!**

**Pickle I still love you!**


	15. And the Peeps are Back!

And the crew are back! I must say, I was touched by the number of warm welcomes I received through the reviews to K:NP! It was awesome! For some reason, FFnet decided to ruin everything by busting itself down the middle and so I didn't even receive most of my reviews!

To add insult to injury, it won't even let me reply to the ones I DID receive!

For that, I unleash my fury upon them...chapter 15 of IS!

Oh, and before I forget...Lai, a message for you:

**Lainana, Lainana, LAINANA!**

**That is all.**

ZZZZZZZZ

He slowly slid into his office hoping to avoid everyone.

But once he got there he sat in front of his desk, wondering what to do.

That was, until he discovered the Anbu Uniform Confirmation Form.

A twinkle arrived in his eyes.

"Where will I get this much hose though? I'll have to take a look in my friend book!" Having admitted to having a friend book, Minato quickly unleashed it from the ball seal, and laid it before him. The book was rather nondescript, just a simple black notebook with the words "close friends and allies" written on the front.

There were all women though.

You couldn't have a friend book with men in it.

That'd be like face-booking yourself.

"Hmm, I wonder if there is anyone in the village who would know how to get their hands on a ridiculous amount of green tights... hmm."

He tapped his finger on the table.

"Who... wears green... spandex... everyday..."

"I know it starts with a G... was it Genma? Maybe that smart brat Genji. No... it's shorter than that, Gai maybe? No that's not it either..."

"No... no... there wasn't an "I" in the name... what was it... why does it remind me of Kakashi.."

"Reminds me of Kakashi and has a G in it... hmmm." Shock ran through Minato like liquor through, fast and without a care. "GAY!"

This is where Minato put plan B into action.

One must always have a plan B to use twentyfour-seven.

Minato's plan B could be used for just about anything and this was one of those moments.

Well admittedly Plan B was of little use if someone were to step inside his ass. That was a situation he would never plan for, and prayed that he'd never run into.

Never run into again, at least...

That one time with Shibi's wife...He would never be the same. And he still hadn't thought up a backup plan.

Plan B) involved the use of a celebratory Moustache, and any moustache worn by him was obviously its own celebrity.

Donning his Fu Manchu moustache he made his way out of his office, down to "the streets", weaving his way through the crowds he kept his eyes open for Gay. He hoped to catch him unaware, trying to catch him off balance and thus broker out a more beneficial deal for himself. He paid no mind to the people giving him strange looks, or the exasperated ANBU detail following him.

"Hmm... wonder if I should have gone with the Italian moustache instead?"

Hmmmm.

What would Gay most likely come rushing to? There had to be something that would stir his curiosity enough to make him come running from whatever depraved hell-hole he resided in.

Wasn't he always shouting something out loud with all those freaky poses?

It was at times like this that Minato wished Kakashi was still with him.

Of course, thinking about Gay and Kakashi at the same time reminded to him as to why Kakashi wasn't there. Not that he didn't feel complimented by it, it just wasn't his thing. It also made him wonder at the relationship between Kakashi and Obito, the two had argued like a married couple after all.

"Guess I should go check the bars... just in case!"

And off he romped.

He would step into those bars, spray-paint him name all over them and when he left, he would leave the door wide open.

It was about the 5th bar he was at that he noticed a poster on the wall, A contest was going to be held, sometime next week.

The contest was being held in the village square too, why hadn't anyone told him!

And the best part about this contest, it was an eating contest.

A Dango Eating contest.

He was so going to take that crazy dango eating monster with him.

But right now, he had to find Gay.

He paused suddenly.

Gay.

An eating contest.

There had to be a link somewhere in that after all, inspiration strikes at the strangest of times.

Minato cocked his head. Maybe there was a food that Gay preferred over everything else? Surely he could exploit that in some way?

He stopped to tie his shoelace, the massive graffiti logo of his chibi face grinning at Kakashi kicking Gay's butt just happened to be there at the time.

Really. He had nothing to do with that.

Seriously, he didn't.

After walking away somewhat proudly Minato glanced about the street.

He spotted some idiot walking on his hands wearing green, he shrugged and walked away.

He quickly did a double take, he had found his idiot! Using the stealth he was well known for he snuck up behind Gay and took a deep breath.

"YOSH! HELLO TO YOU MY KIND GAY, COULD YOU PERHAPS ENLIGHTEN ME AS TO WHERE YOU OBTAINED ALL OF YOUR DISGUSTINGLY TIGHT HOSE?"

He sputtered.

His face turned red.

He began to foam at the mouth.

'Poor Gay,' Minato thought 'maybe it's so precious to him!'

"H-Hoes, Hokage-S-Sama?"

"No Gay who's that? Hose please."

Gai pointed down the street to a random vendor selling 90% off spandex hosey stuff before darting off with tears streaming down his cheeks.

Minato looked at the sale and stroked his fake hairy facial feature.

The only thing on his mind was, it was a sale... What can I do to ruin it?

"HELLO GOOD HOSE SALESMAN, AS YOU CAN TELL FROM MY STYLISH FACIAL HAIR, I AM IN NEED OF SOME HOSE!" Shouted the impassioned Minato. "SELL IT ALL TO ME CHEAPLY OR I SHALL BE FORCED TO ACCOST YOU PHYSICALLY!

As the salesman looked decidedly distracted anyway, Minato accosted all the hose in the house.

He even did the classic flee down the street into the back alley where one has to trip over a garbage can.

Which he promptly threw at some dude with freaky pale eyes, teach him to not mind his own business.

He had to throw the damn garbage.

If he didn't then his Anbu would have had to wear clean clothing.

That just wasn't right at all.

He wished he had more alcohol. He picked up some of the garbage and he threw, but did not miss. He bet his ANBU were going to be quite pissed.

After quite a bit of romping in the street, Minato knew just when he didn't need to freak.

He hopped up to his office, and grabbed the Official notice. Filling out the blanks, he got to work on his spanks.

He spanked himself three times for fun, and two times 'cause he enjoyed touching his own bum. He filed the form lickity quick, then looking out his window he started to spit.

It was at that moment the wind blew directly at him, and we all know where this leads to.

Never spit into the wind, he comes right back at you.

The spit flew and hit him directly in the eye.

As he fell to the ground riving in pain, he just couldn't help but remember that Kushina, spat in that very same eye. Only a bit earlier in this story.

The Anbu stared at him as if he got his just desert.

After one of them finally managed to call a medic-nin Minato got down to business as the Nin was looking after his eye.

He pointed down at the grungy looking pile of tights on the floor.

"These are your new standard uniform within the Anbu, You will be wearing them for awhile so pick wisely."

"Sir?" Asked a tiger mask clad ANBU.

"Yeah?"

"These are spandex leggings sir."

"I'm aware of that."

"Oh."

He watched as the few there scrambled to find the best ones in the pile.

They all aimed for the nice dark ones it seemed, but since they were the first pickers he suppose that was all right.

Someone was going to get those neon pink ones eventually.

He already had his bright yellow pair so he couldn't care less about the rest of them. Except for Yamato of course, he saved him a nice brown pair. Of course the spandex in question was for extremely obese shinobi so alterations would have to be made.

But Yamato would have to work that out himself.

Minato wasn't his puppy; It was totally the other way around.

That's what the Anbu were made for.

It was in the charter even. Ye old speak and all. It was good stuff to read when on the can.

Minato sat around amused for quite some time watching the anbu stand about awkwardly while sending odd glances at each other all the while.

"Hokage-sama, there aren't any shirts."

"Yes, that's part of the design."

"I... there are female ANBU."

"Oh, I know! That's part of the fun."

"Oh ho ho!"

"Just thinking of it reminds me of all the parents that'll have to explain bits to their children."

"You're a weird one Hokage-sama, like midnight bubble baths." Said a Hawk masked ANBU.

"For that remark only male ANBU will be a part of this exercise."

"Dammit Hawk!" Groused the nearby ANBU, except of course for the few female ANBU in attendance.

Minato stared at them.

And then it stuck him.

"You shall be my band of merry men, and I your Robin Hood."

"Hokage-sama?"

"Silence Hawk, for now I dub thee, Much the miller's son."

There was a bit of sobbing.

But Minato took to ignoring it.

"Now my Merry Men, bring forth Yamato, so that I might give him a name."

"I'm right here Hokage-sama!" Yamato emerged from the sea of ANBU, both hands firmly holding up his fat man spandex.

"I name you Little John, for you shall be my lieutenant in all things pertaining to being Merry."

"What an honour!" Whispered one of the more naive ANBU. Oddly enough his mask was vaguely crab like.

Shuffling through his very own junk drawer, Minato looked for the one item he knew was bound to be there.

The spare Afro he got last christmas.

He had the perfect plan for it.

"Can someone find me Genma?"

Shinranui Genma was a simple man, he loved chewing senbon and wearing his bandana. He also enjoyed long walks on the beach and women with neatly trimmed eyebrows. He also loved to serve his Hokage, his dedication to duty was nearly fanatical.

"Genma, you are to report to the Hokage immediately and without delay. You have been selected for a mission of utmost importance to the safety and integrity of Konoha." Said a rather nondescript ANBU, who would be unremarkable altogether if not for his neon pink spandex pants.

"Right away Sir!" Replied Genma. He had no time to wonder why the ANBU had pink spandex on, the Hokage needed him!

The civilians who were present however had all the time in the world to wonder what was up with those pants, as was evidenced by one confused man's question. "Why did that ANBU have pink spandex and no shirt?"

Once Genma finally arrived and seen all the Anbu that were, kind of just sitting about.

One had even got to making handmade arrows. That impressed him a bit too.

That however was as to nothing when he spied one of the ANBU making Suspenders out of what appeared to be a sapling. Crazy ANBU with their magic tricks.

"I have arrived as ordered Hokage-sama!" Barked Genma, who was on one knee, head bowed in reverence towards Minato.

"Arise Genma, I have for you something of utmost importance, a mission that could very well save Konoha."

"Hokage-sama!" Cried out Genma as tears leaked from his eyes, this was his chance! He'd prove all the kids who said his bandanna was dumb wrong. "Mom... I'll make a lot of friends!"

Minato could only send a 'what the hell?!'' look at his ANBU, which looked kind of like O_o". They in turn could only shrug and turn their heads in shame and awkwardness.

As the Anbu shrugged their shoulders in a 'whatever' way, Minato got to work.

"Upon your head, you shall wear this afro. And upon your body.. .You must borrow a dress of your mother's."

"My mother is dead sir, you presided over her funeral."

"Oh..."

"This is kind of awkward."

"For you maybe, you still have her dresses right? I hope you at least kept that red number she used to wear when I'd come over."

"Sir?!"

Minato nodded at him sternly.

"I'll...I'll go get it sir!" Genma left as shiftily as he could.

"His mom was the most flexible woman I knew Little John, even more so then you're dearly departed aunt Flow."

"She wanted to be a pretzel sir." Said Little John, tears springing forth.

Minato put his hand on Little John's shoulder and bade him to look into his eyes. Doing so Little John was swept away and a manly moment was had, the sun shone on their backs and woman threw roses at their feet. It was over too quickly for Little John but he would always remember.

After the touching moment everyone will later relate to A G&L moment, Minato breaks and starts to add to his very own outfit.

He needed to look perfect.

Because he was the perfect Hokage.

Finding his somewhat silly Hokage hat, he adds a feather to it. It is long and white and very bright. Then slipping on his yellow spandex and quiver, he prepares to order his men to the forest.

Suddenly Genma burst into the room, wearing a slinky red dress that goes down to mid-thigh and his afro. "I'm ready Hokage-sama!"

"You're very dedicated Genma, you even shaved your legs!" Said a pleased Minato.

"I... I had already shaved them Sir."

"Oh... you're not," Minato shakes his hand in the air tellingly, "are you? I've already had to deal with one man coming on to me recently, I don't know if I can take it from you too Genma."

"I'm not sir. I just like to have smooth legs."

"Ah..."

"Makes it easier to dive into the pool during the summer Sir!"

Minato stroked his chinny chin chin.

"That is a good reason..."

"I've learned how to do a perfect dive, I'd like to say it's at least a 9.5"

Minato sharply looked at him. They'd have to have a dive-off later.

"Well then Maid Genian Let us find some horses so we may begin."

"Before that though," spoke Minato in a serious tone of voice, "MERRY MEN! Little John, you're with me and Maid Genian. Much the miller's son you take the rest of the men and take them to overview camp three, prep the area for inhabitation. I'm going to find us some horses and a Moor."

Once they found a place to get a 'Moor'

Minato found himself wanting more as well.

More of what? No one but Minato knew. Except of course for the booze, it knew everything about Minato, even about that time with the porcupine.

Mayhaps even Minato didn't know either.

But sometimes, that's just how things worked out.

ZZZZZZZ

So there you have it! Mayhaps, Indeeds, and most of all Indubitablies! Truly a tale of epic proportions! I'd like to thank each and every one of you for all your awesome support and encourage you to defeat the evil pair of Vlaigeant in reviews!

WE WANT MOAR REVIEWS THAN THEM! HEAR THAT VLAIGEANT?! YOU SUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Later!

-B


	16. Jack who?

It's SUNDAY! And you all know what day that is, don't you?

So with Sunday, comes the finale to the Robin Hood arc. Tbh, I'm actually looking forward to the Kaizoku arc, which, of course, you all have no idea about! But I do!

I'm the...errr....first of three writers afterall....

~!

.....

Don't blame me, I've had quite an adventure this past week.

ZZZZZZZZ

Minato paused as he and his bandits rushed through Konoha's lush green forestry.

This didn't seem right; they had to have an objective, a government institution that had to be taken down. Something like that 'Steal from the rich, give to the poor' rubbish.

He stroked his chin. Hmmmm, something......

A lightbulb went off above his head and his features brightened immediately. In the surrounding woodland, the ANBU cringed.

This would not end well.

He must find the most cruel villain in the entire village and pillage their goods!

That could only be one person of course.

He paused again.

Hmmm, he thought, if he was to...say...steal from that person, then who should he give to?

It would have to be someone poor of course; otherwise the theme would not work out.

So who was poor enough?

He smacked a fist into a palm, the ANBU balking in the trees.

That's right! Suna was poor wasn't it? He needed an excuse to go there anyway!

Not that he really ever needed an excuse, but it was nice everyonce n' awhile. Ya know?

Now, Minato pondered as hard as his brain could manage.

Pausing he realised he hadn't pondered this hard since he pondered that one time for three years attempting to make the ultimate jutsu.

Boy were the villagers glad to have him outta that stoop by the time he gave up.

And bing! It came to him! The richest person he knew, well the richest and most close-by person was the Fire Daimyo!

That ass had a whole treasury full of shiny goods worthy of being taken.

Now all he needed was some rope, rocks and some chilli sauce.

For he was a man who enjoyed his chili. He also enjoyed long walks on the beach, serenading senoritas in the moonlight and then copulating with them, and drinking. Most of that was however irrelevant at the moment... sadly.

It also made a nice weapon.

Sprits it into someone's eyes and they were down baby! D. O. W. N.

It's like poison for the eyes. Only you don't have to force feed someone,

They never seemed to want to eat anything when Minato was on the job you see. It was the only (And funnest if you asked him) way to do it.

That one time he had kept Kushina in a cage and had her fight for food not withstanding.

And we shall not even mention what happened when she got out.

That was just... uugglhhleee.

Minato brushed a hand through his spike hair and motioned his band of do-gooders forward.

It was time the steal from the rich.

And give to the poor.

Of course along the way they'd pillage a few bars, maybe bestow their patronage upon a lucky brothel, then still manage to make it on time at the Fire Lord's annual monster mash.

A pleasant shiver went up his spine, oh the monster mash. How he lived that mash.... Brings back good memories.

Like that time he dove off a bridge to bungee jump. Only to have forgotten the cord thing.

Good times. Good times.

Tyson has proven his worth that day, as he saved him from doom with his iron fist, and ear necklace.

As Minato hopped along with his band of merry men he thought of the joyous reactions he might receive from the people of Poor Poor Suna.

Of course, the Kazekage was still probably a quivering pile of mush after the...."electrifying noogie" he left him with last time, so it was possible that he wouldn't be received well to start off with.

But then what was money for, if not to garner better relations? I mean, Minato used it for those kinds of things all the time!

Plus, Minato only vaguely remembered that sort of thing since it was only funny to laugh at.

He was hoping this time around he'd meet someone new, have a fun time and all that stuff.

This might just happen to be the best adventure into Suna he would ever have.

Even better then when someone threw a child at him. The only question he really had was whether it was fashionable to wear a banana hammock over his hose.

The old man would obviously say it was stylish, so that was enough for Minato to go on.

Perhaps he should have a Vacation with that old coot.

The beach or something, that would be fun.

But first....

To the Capitol! He had a Daimyo to rob!

"ANBU, Code 5, I have an S-Class mission for all of us!"

"In these clothes Hokage-sama?"

He shot the dweeb a hard look.

"Yes. In those clothes."

There was a group gulp.

"We shall now initiate Mission 'Steal from the Fire Daimyo and give to Suna'."

There were audible gasps.

It's like that one moment where you casually mention cancer like it's gotta be the first letter after C.

A is for Apple!

B is for Banana!

C is for Cancer!

And then everyone gasps.

It was exactly one of those moments.

Then they all dredged out to begin their plundering. Because that was the way to go you know.

It wouldn't be the first time they had taken on a questionable mission that challenged the sovereignty of the land of fire, and knowing their leader it wouldn't be the last. Hell they had kidnapped the Fire lord's wife for him one time. Though they weren't too sure when it came to consensual kidnap. It didn't really matter much either way, but damn was that bitch heavy.

They were ninja though, they'd keep this under wraps. This way the fire lord wouldn't suspect Konoha, so they could place the blame on someone else, and if the Daimyo really wanted they'd hunt down the 'thief' themselves, even if it costs them their lives.

Who knows, they'd most like end up doing like they did last time, send Danzo out to Amegakure and have him shatter some kids life then blame it on him. It had worked numerous times before, why not again. They'd do it for Konoha, for the Hokage, for the booze. Even if it cost them their lives.

Even if it costs them their lifes.

So, Just do it!

And off they went.

But, as they arrived at the palace. Or whatever that place was called, they realised...

That this was a true test for a ninja.

It was an even worse test for the ninja in Neon Pink.

They must get to the treasure, without beeing detected like a true ninja. Which they were mind you, but in these spandex bright clothing (Well most of them had bright clothing. The odd one was wearing black)

Minato had no problem just strolling in for some reason,

After a few seconds of walking btw himself he shot a look behind him at his peeping ninja.

He knew just what to say.

"JUST DO IT!"

They knew the perfect reply apparently.

"EVEN IF IT COSTS US OUR LIFES!"

And thus they started their pillaging.

They pillaged and pillaged, turning rooms upside down, cupboards inside out. One fortunate ANBU managed to get a free meal in between his thieving ways.

They all met back up in the square in front of the building where Minato took charge immediately.

"Right! Let's see what you got, elites!"

There was a round of nervous 'Hais!' since they were standing in broad daylight in neon pink spandex, with some black of course but that wasn't the point. Weren't they supposed to do this in secret so they wouldn't be caught? In any case, their Hokage was their Hokage so they dumped all the goods in the square and stood back for his reaction.

"I just know he's gonna jack some of this stuff..." One ANBU muttered. The others couldn't help but agree with him.

They weren't disappointed.

"Oooooooh! Is that a...tiara?! That is so mine!"

It disappeared into a side pocket.

"Wow! Look at that Kuma! It's a sapphire necklace! It matches my eyes too!"

It too disappeared into....somewhere.

On and on it went, the pile growing markedly smaller with every pass of Minato's gaze. It was an almost surreal experience for the ANBU, almost. They had done things like this far too many times for it to be truly shocking. Unless of course he did something unexpected.

"Alright men, and woman who dress up like men, and men who dress up like woman! You may each take one trinket from the pile and the rest goes to Suna."

Something like that. The ANBU stood in shock, their eyes starting to mist in appreciation behind their mask.

"Hai!" They chorused, ransacking the pile of loot.

When they were done, they all stepped back.

The wind blew, catching the dust on the street and causing a thimble to roll past in the distance.

It was very quiet. Then...

"Errr...Hokage-Sama...there are only like....five things left."

Minato grinned.

"Of Course! It's the thought that counts, is it not?"

"You're a glorious bastard Lord Hokage!" One of the ANBU managed to say, amongst the gales of laughter.

"Indeed, mayhap we shall go to Suna now, for I do tire of these dreary surroundings." Spoke Minato to the amazement of all.

To make the matter worse, even though all that pillaging and noise and stuff... No one seemed to notice.

The Anbu were kind of relieved.

Since the Damiyo didn't seem to be all that smart but at the same time they couldn't help but worry about the security of the fire country. Something would have to be done in the future.

As they all kind of did a light jog away from the palace, you know to work off the ugly that might have gathered on them from inside the palace. (Damn Samurai scum)

They couldn't help but noticed that they had no idea where the hell they were going.

And their Kage didn't seem to have a map with him.

"Don't worry guys! It's this way!" Minato said randomly pointing in the direction he was facing.

Hopefully they were going in the right direction.

As fortune would have it, they weren't. They in fact had lost two days of travel(on a two day trip). It was alright though, Suna, and all those people they had robbed on the way had no idea they were coming. It was one of the best missions the ANBU had ever had, even Maid Genmarian was having fun, and Lord knows that Yamato had been giggling at for ten minutes. It was an ANBU mission for the ages!

Soon, they finally made it to the desert.

Yamato lost a bit of colour though, something about wilting from lack of water but whatever.

By the time they finally made it Minato was the only one standing straight besides Maid Genmarian, but no one really considered him straight on this trip.

Minato considered while rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

Though the way Genmarian kept looking at him reminded him of someone, Kakashi maybe? No... maybe Gay? Either way he didn't appreciate the hunger in Ganmarian's gaze. He'd have to do something about that, maybe something involving poultry.

Either way the point was that they were almost at Suna, or someplace very similar.

Hopefully it was similar enough to have the same kage.

Minato was itching to Boot that guy in the face again, it brought back so man fond memories.

So of which he couldn't even recall clearly.

Of course, if it wasn't Suna they'd just ransack the place take their valuables and a map and head to Suna. It'd work out either way.

Striding through the two mountain-like sentinels that marked the entranceway to the hidden Village of Sand, Minato stopped to contemplate that this Village was meant to be hidden.

Was it? Or wasn't it?

Surely a conundrum!

Striking a pose, he shouted his intentions.

"Oh good people of the Village hidden in a desert! I have come to offer thee a peace offering from the country of fire!"

Striking his hand into the air, he turned to his boys and said,

"Let it rip!"

In a small jangle, five assorted trinkets of gold, silver and precious stones felt to the dusty ground.

No one really seemed to care.

Except for the man that was storming towards them.

Minato smiled proudly, hand on his hip.

"What gall?! What Daring?! What do you think you're doing coming back here?!" Shouted a man with an obviously imitation hat.

"What am I doing here? What are you doing here is the question, aren't you a little too square to be hanging out in these parts man?" Said Minato, his Merry ANBU men snickering in the background.

"I'M THE LEADER OF THIS VILLAGE YOU IDIOT!"

"Doesn't look like you're doing a very good job, you know considering you just got played!"

"I... what?"

"Exactly biatch." Minato smugly smirked at that one man.

Realizing the implications of this sudden turn of events the Kazekage prepared to yell for his guards, only to receive a foot to the face, followed by a fist, and he would swear later some kind of bird punch.

The people of Suna looked on in stunned silence, before one brave man started a slow clap. Soon others joined them and the Kazekage could only cry as the people of Suna slow clapped to his brutal ass beating.

As the Kazekage once again weeped, (Again for he is just that kind of guy.) and the Suna city people clapped, The band of Merry men sneakily started robbing people blind of their food.

Even their clothes, no matter if they were from the stores.

They would sell this to the Daimyo for he is just that kind of guy, you know... the creepy kind. Minato soon after called the retreat, but not before he slipped a certain red headed baby a book and a picture. The book was on how to act and treat others the way he did, and the picture was of the Kazekage crying like the suckerbiatch he was.

It was the perfect gift. If anyone says, they wouldn't deny it either.

At least not in Minato's company.

They stopped at a small tea shop on their way, to well...Konoha of course.

Yamato was the last to step inside after his fellow Anbu and Kage. That's when he spotted her.

The most beautiful girl he'd ever saw.

Her eyes glittered, she bowed and greeted him. He hurriedly shuffle to the booth where Minato was sitting.

It wasn't long until Minato noticed the swifty glances Yamato was sending the lovely girl serving and greeting guests.

He swelled with pride. Nudging his woody companion in the rib cage he decided to make sure he was right for once. But mostly the making sure part was just going to happen so he could embarrass Yamato. It was funner that way.

"Yamato... Yamato." He smiled when Yamato snapped to and finally looked at him.

"Hokage-sama?" He carelessly tossed a look over his shoulder at the girl again.

"I just wanted to know if everything was alright, You've been sending looks at the door since we got in and I'm starting to think we're going to be attacked or something."

All the ninja in the place stiffened. Including Yamato.

"N-n-n-no Hokage-sama! I-I.. Everything's fine!" Somehow Yamato managed to stuff while sitting. It was a teetering motion. Quite funny to the onlooking actually.

"Then what's wrong stupid. Spit it out." Minato raised his eyebrow but still smiled.

That's when Yamato started to catch on.

Of course he paled and gasped a little silently.

But most importantly he began to toss looks of caution at Minato.

It was about this moment that the pretty little lady decided to walk up and ask them if everything was okay.

Yamato fumbled over all his words, blushed a lot. You know usually boy's first love kind of thing.

When she finally left Yamato turned to say something to Minato, only to find him nodding him with his eyes closed.

"I see Yamato. I see, Perhaps you need some... advice per-say?"

Yamato somehow managed to pale even more.

"I-I Yes?" Inside, Yamato was freaking out. The Tenzo side of him told him to step away from the gun. The Yamato side of him actually wanted to listen to the advice, Since he actually wanted the girl.

"You must swoon her Yamato! Use your newfound confidence and asked her where she's been all your life! Ask her why she's only appeared just now in yours! Kiss her Yamato! Use the confidence, that I know you have in you, If you want I'll let you borrow some of mine!"

"But Hokage-sama!"

"No buts Yamato. You want her. I know you do, don't you deny it. I can even say that even I slightly want her myself. She is an adorable piece of women right there."

Minato was speaking pretty loudly, as usual you know. So when Yamato tossed a glance over his shoulder at the girl he unsurprisingly found her blushing and attempting to hide herself from them behind some serving tray.

Biting his lip he stood up.

He walked her way.

He swept her up into a passionate kiss and just as soon as that happened, all his Anbu buddies started hooting and cat-calling and motorboating and stuff at him.

When the passionate embrace finally ended, she shyly looked at him took a step back.

"I-I, I'm sorry.. I cannot be with you Sir.. I.. I.. cannot leave my father here.. I have to help him with the work around here!"

Yamato was crushed.

Minato knew how to give even more advice. Waving Yamato over he thought this over him his head.

"Yamato, talk to the father and offer him hmm... 1 million ryo for his daughter. Tell him to send the bill to the Daimyo of Fire country." He clapped Yamato on his back.

"Are you sure Hokage-sama?"

"I'm sure, that old guy is a bastard anyways."

With that said Yamato trotted off to the fair maiden, and asked to see her father.

It was a cruel meeting, or at least in Yamato's head it was.

The spungy old guy that was her father bounced with joy and gladly sold off his daughter.

When Yamato shyly walked up to her again, Minato and the guys started making kissy faces behind her back so he had no choice but to sweep her off her feet again.

Except that she did it for him. She kind of dove into his arms and stuck her lips to his and sucked his face and stuff.

Yamato was thoroughly in shock by the time it was done. Soon after he got many claps on the back from his mates and as they left, Yamato was laden with women in hand.

Minato absentmindedly wondered if Yamato knew what she probably expected of him as they strode back into the village. Scratch that, Minato knew Yamato knew nothing of what was going to come out of this night.

"Keep it Simple Yamato, Keep it simple." And with that Minato walked off in a random direction away from Yamato and his new confused girlfriend.

Unfortunately as soon as Yamato turned his back his fabled love was whisked away by another man. Yamato wept for weeks.

Yet while Yamato wept, life went on.

Of course for Konoha, this more meant that Minato was around and causing varying amounts of property and emotional damage.

ZZZZZZZZZ

And the moral is.....Keep it Simple!

.....

Wasn't that the moral of last chapter and the chapter before and the chapter before that?

And before you ask...MegaB is playing Modern Warfare 2, Agent A is stuck in DA:O and Lainana...

Nobody actually knows where she is.

So review and remember to insult us! It's more fun that way!


	17. Yo Ho!

The council seeking to curb the massive amounts of debauchery convinced Sarutobi into speaking with Minato. They thought it was for the best, they thought it would work, they thought Sarutobi was over his opium addiction.

They were dead wrong.

So by the time old man Sarutobi got around to going to see Minato, he'd already puffed a few.

And by the time he made it to the stairs that led up to Minato, he was already decidedly tired. He was an old man.

Going from Glancing up the stairs, to rubbing his back. Saru slide three little packages of 'medicine' (If anyone were to ask) and popped them back.

He felt ultimately better and the journey up the stairs was one of the funniest he'd ever had!

Seeing a door and feeling no pain Sarutobi decided to just walk through it. Little did he know or care of the shitstorm he was walking into.

Minato was having a bad day, correction a very bad day. Kushina had yelled at him about increasing pirate attacks around Kiri for some reason, the council had yelled at him about those same pirates, and he was pretty sure the fetus was wearing an eye patch and glaring at him. He wondered how he knew that last bit, but deciding for the better of the world just to drop he went back to staring at his hands.

"They can touch everything but themselves!"

It was to this that Sarutobi walked into, not wasting time he proceeded to mention the first thing that popped into his head.

"Minato... it's me Sarutobi. The council wanted me to talk to you about those pirates. The reports of pirates kidnapping and assaulting ships around Kiri has skyrocketed!

Minato looked up at the call of his name, saw Sarutobi and proceeded to pay half attention to the rest of the conversation.

"Are you listening to me Minato?!" Shouted the old doped up man.

"Yeah, yeah... kidnapping, pirates, Sarutobi..." Thoughts suddenly swirled into Minato's head, oh he could definitely use this. "Hey old man... you ever think about visiting a tropical island?"

Sarutobi would have looked on in increasing horror if it were not for the ridiculous amount of opium keeping him cool.

It was about a day or so later, that Sarutobi finally woke up out of his drug addictive stupor.

And by that time he was on a mildly hot island, and his banana hammock was no where in sight. There was, however a few trees and open sea in front of him.

Licking his dry lips, he was mildly glad that he decided to pack most of his drugs into his pocket today. He only hoped that the sea water had no ruined it.

He felt mostly dry so he deemed it okay.

But little did he know, that it was sadly ruined and he was in for a bad trip.

He also didn't know of Minato's daring wordplay taking place in Konoha right at that moment.

"Friends! Konoha residents! Lend me your ears! Not even a day ago, a group of pirates sneaked into our beloved village and stole away with our beloved Sandaime!"

A wide range of gasps and other such indications of shock rippled through the crowd.

"Now he is being held ransom by our most ancient of foes! Kiri has slept too long, and their threat has grown too great. I with the council of Konoha, and the permission of the Daiyamo form a naval group to reclaim our Sandaime, wipe out the pirate threat, and punish Kiri for its negligence! TOGETHER LET US SHOW THEM THE WILL OF FIRE!"

As he finished the crowd began to chant his name intermixed with cries for the Sandaime and for the Will of Fire. It had worked, he would get out of his office for awhile, and he could possibly get to see and lay Beth.

They would be leaving Konoha to do battle.

Battle on the water.

Gearing up, they prepaired to show the pirates of kiri the ways of real fearsome pirates. The ways only Pirates lead under Minato could be.

For Minato is fearsome by himself. But surrounded by smelly men.. all women would flee.

Or they would shudder in estacy from the maniliness that lay before them.

They left the gates with cheers and weeping woman at their backs. He had gathered the most motley crew he could. There was of course the usual suspects, Kakashi, the weeping Yamato, Asuma, and due to his rather fabulous nature the surprisingly somber Gay.

Of course he had brought his ANBU, and an old man who looked like he had been at sea for many years, in truth the old man was just a bum Minato had seen while leaving the village.

They departed to Wave, to resupply and steal some ships(they were ninja after all).

Minato decided to address his men and lay out a plan for them to follow. Clearing his throat he signaled a halt to their march. "Men, ANBU, Old bum! We're headed for wave to steal some ships and buy some supplies. From there we will continue onwards to the pirate infested waters of Kiri, rescue the Sandamie, destroy the pirates, and pimp slap Kirigakure!"

They acted like true ninja's at first. Slinking silently into the night and attacking fast and hard while everyone was sleeping.

But once they spotted the ships that Minato just had to have, all the ninja stopped there. Pirate-mode had activated. Subtliness was laying low as all the nirates climbed up odd ropes that happened to be hanging from the biggest ship there.

Somewhere along the way Kakashi had managed to acquire an eyepatch, a peg leg, and a parrot. Minato had immediately patted him on the head like a young boy and praised him.

Yamato had made himself a wooden woman, that was so realistic it was creepy, especially with the odd sounds mixed among his nightly crying. Asuma had stowed away his smokes and taken up cigars for the trip citing that 'they were more pirate like'. Gay had immediately donned a puffy shirt over his spandex and seemed to become almost cool as he spoke pirate like and ordered the less knowledgeable men around the ship.

Minato stood upon the bow of the ship. Looking on at he chaos that was his mates and the blood of his enemies. His long Pirate captian feather blowing in the wind.

His large beaded neck-thing glittered in the light. His manly tight shirt with the oddest pirate design fit snuggly to his body.

His fake hook hand sat sharply in his fingers.

His pirate poof pants were worn comfortable. Even with bobbles and such hanging on him.

His tattered battle worn cape fluttered lightly.

His kage-hat, hung fron his neck displaying who he was.

His stubble made him look grungy and full of evil.

His bandana, held his feather to his head.

He sprang from the bow and landed midship, his walked quickly to the stern and looked down upon his crew. They were busy, tying knots, swabbing the decks, singing jaunty pirate tunes. They'd have to set sail soon, before the natives woke up and noticed them making away with the ship.

"I DUB THIS SHIP THE GOOD SHIP... uh... HILDA! PREPARE TO SET OUT ME HEARTIES!"

And that is exactly what they did.

The citizens could only see the ship in the distance as they cursed there luck.

After a few days of sailing and nary bandit ship in sight, Captain Minato decided to throw a party for his men in order to keep the morale going and all that.

Striking a pose aboard the Good Ship Hilda he threw a hand in the air and shouted,

"YAR! WHY THE LONG FACES YAROU-DOMO?! BRING OUT THE GROG!"

To cheers of joy, and an odd gulping sound from a decidedly wooden man, the ship went about with their first party. There was much revelry and grog and singing (never forget the singing!) and grog and food...

And Grog. Minato decided that Grog was almost as good as Sake, but had the added benefit of melting anything it touched beside the cup it was in. He knew, he'd tested it on Kakashi's head that morning. His poor Genin (Jounin now, he reminded himself) ran off screaming about acid and poison for some reason.

At least he'd gotten rid of that stupid parrot. If he couldn't have one, nobody could!

So while they were all smashed and sort of laying about the ship with veritable puddles of drool growing beneath them, a ship appeared on the horizon.

A ship bearing the Skull and Crossbones!

It was with surprise that the good captain of the Good Ship Hilda noticed Gay jumping onto the aft-castle and report that he too also saw the ship.

"Yarrgh, Captain there be a mighty stink coming from the horizon. Those bloody pirates be coming in fast, shall I wake the men and prepare the boarding party, yarr?"

Minato could only look on in wonder again at this transformed Gay. "Gay... prepare the men for boarding! Get the cannon crews ready, we'll give those mangy scoundrels a broadside to be remembered YARR!"

With a flick of his small-but-yet-not cape Minato pointed his sword at approaching ship.

"This will be simple you landlubbers. Hassle dem scally wags with ye good looks and stab em' while they stare in shock!" he exclaimed while swiping his sword in random directions.

Minato's hair fluttered in the wind as he hewed the air with gusto. His blade shined as he choped at his opponents. Sadly the enemies ship was still out of range, however as with most things it's the thought that counts.

Image fighting was very good for the soul you see. If you can fight your enemy in your minds eye, you can kick the shit out of them in real life as well.

Unless of course you were a giant sea mammal, or alternatively a maple leaf. In all other cases the idea was sound, barring being a tea drinking sheep skinner of course.

On another note, is you were to fall in some sheep intestines during the 'process' I would have to say you would have good drive to do battle amoungst a bunch of people.

Of course, you'd have even more interest in battle if you happened to shave the sheep from the back forwards, swallowing is a reflex after all.

It's most amusing to watch, Minato recalled. But the most comforting fact was that he hadn't been on the end of it yet.

Nor would he ever.

But there was that one time when that kid pushed him down the stairs. He made sure the stupid kid never forgot him.

How could he when he was tortured daily by a man wearing a mask of his face? Of course it was a bit cruel, but stairs hurt dammit.

Those were fond things that Minato thought of.

But those thoughts were blow away when a cannon ball made a hole in his ship. Right next where he was standing.

RAAAGE!

"I HAVE FURY!" Screamed Minato. Signaling Gai the men began to jump towards the other ship while the cannon crew, led by Asuma opened fire. Kakashi was in the crows nest tossing Kunai, while Yamato made repairs.

"THEY'RE NINJA YARGH!" Shouted one of the unfortunate pirates seconds before a kunai was shoved up his bum, as the life left him, he could only wish that it had instead been a spoon.

Minato jumped over to the buccaneers ship and immediately made his way towards the aft section, hoping to catch the pirate captain with his pants down, figuratively of course. Unless he was a really hot chick, then he meant it literally.

Minato even rubbed his fair stuble just thinking of it.

He would have rubbed more southern regions, but that wasn't the kind of thing you did outside of sexy-time battles.

Plus it was much cool to rub his pirate stuble. He couldn't get away with it when he was a ninja.

Old Man Homura was the only one who could get away with it. Mostly for the fear that he would poop himself if he didn't. He could still remember when Danzo had tried to stop him only to be called a poop socker, of course Homura crapped himself right afterwards and Danzo had to change him as punishment.

"Good times... good times."

Minato glanced to the side and .. it was on of those moments, things that only happen as certain times and you think kodak moment!

A seagull shit on someone's head.

Minato giggled because it was a totally coincidence that it was just thinking about Danzo the poopsocker.

And now this guy was a shit head.

'Life is good!' thought Minato, walking towards the door of the captain's quarters. Deciding to be polite he knocked thrice. He heard a clamor from inside and braced himself for combat when a strong voice rang out.

"WHAT YA GONNA DO BROTHER?!"

Minato gasped and covered his mouth with his hand.

"Whitebeard!"

Whitebeard was notoriously the strongest pirate on the seven seas.

"What'd you call me?!" Spoke Whitebeard apparently.

"W-w-w-w-whitebread!" Stuttered out Minato.

"Whitebread?"

"You're my hero Whitebread!"

"I'm not your fucking hero!"

"WHITEBEARD!" Minato affectionally punched 'Whitebeard' in the shoulder. Knocking the old' fella to the ground.

"Ugg" Whitebeard heaved.

"Don't joke around like that Whitebeard! You'll make me blush!"

"Listen brother, my name is Hogan, not Whitebeard, or Whitebread, or Whitegirl. Hogan brother, and you're pushing to have these 29inch Pythons give you the sleeper hold."

"You're a crackup Whitebeard! Hey, how about you join my pirate crew, since we kind of killed yours?"

Seeing as the ship was already sinking and 'Whitebeard' and Minato were the only ones left on the ship.. Well, that left ol' Hulk one choice.

"I'll join. But I'm not Whitebeard."

Minato rejoiced. He even pumped his fist into the air in victory.

Quickly dragging the Hulkster to the deck he popped his head out and let loose a manly bellow.

"HAY YOU GUYS!"

The looting ninja/pirates quickly looked up to see their Captain with what appeared to be Whitebeard. They looked on stunned at the possibility.

And then someone wept.

"It's Whitebeard!"

Thus the comments started.

"Whitebeard!"

"Strongest pirate!"

"Biggest beard!"

"Manilest man" This fellow was thrown overboard by a certain person.

"Biggest snakes on the sea!"

Whitebeard's eye was twitching.

"My hair's not even white, nor do I even have a beard. You landlubbers crazy or summat?"

Minato clapped him on the back.

"Details! You shalt be Whitebeard and I dub thee the Whitest Beard on the Sea!"

"But I don't have a beard!"

That gave him pause for thought. He paused. He stroked his chin. And he thought.

The ANBU Pirates shivered.

"Well then let's give you one YARR!"

Hogan the Whitebeard could only weep as they attached what appeared to be a piece of sail with wool glued on i to his chin, via tape.

"I don't wanna be Whitebeard!" He yelled, hoping someone would take pity on him, unfortunately he was in the company of Minato's ANBU. They had seen and been party to far too much under Minato to feel much of anything at this point.

Still one of the newer ANBU bent down and patted him on the head and whispered what he thought was soothing in his ear.

"Just be glad you didn't have to prep the goat for Gai."

"What am I going to do Brother? What am I gonna do when Konoha-mania runs wild on me?"

And then, just as things were calming down, another shout went out from where, nobody knows.

"AHOOOOOY! PIRATE SHIP HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Everyone aboard turned to see a dark, looming frigate bearing down on their pilfered Galleon, the Skull and Crossbones proudly displayed on its flag, with the picture of the middle finger displayed next to it.

Asuma snorted. What a rude Pirate Ship! They were practically swearing at everyone that saw them. Whitebeard gasped and everybody aboard the Hilda turned to regard him. His mouth was opening and closing like a fish as he attempted to form his words.

"T-That..THAT'S CAPTAIN FUKKU OF THE KIRIKORO PIRATES!"

Minato paused, a horrified look appeared on his face.

"What did you just say?"

"It's Captain Fukku!" One brave man repeated as the hulkster stared in shock.

"Tell me again?" Minato's eye twitched.

"It's... Captain Fukku..?"

"That bastard!" Minato pointed his finger at the ship. Mayhaps at the captain himself, but only Minato would know. "I will never Fuck you! NEVER!"

Everyone, and I mean everyone decided then and there.. that Namikaze Minato was a natural blonde.

They also decided that they needed an edge. They needed someone like Samero Jackosan, he wouldn't stand for snakes on his dirigible, and he wouldn't stand for Fukku on his ship of the line.

Unfortunately for our hearty crew of seafaring heros of questionable parentage Samero was busy filming more films.

At this point Minato would have settled for the Raikage, aka Norchu the powdered yet fiery pimp slapping machine.

Minato, being a simple guy and not having the Gaikage, paced around trying to get an idea. Of course he paced like a angry pirate would because it would be wrong if he didn't.

His sword clunked a bit and then Minato finally caught on.

"Kakashi! Get your fruity ass down here!"

In a rush of noise and angst Kakashi arrived, kneeling and with his sunglasses on. Which yes looks as awkward as it sounds.

"Yes Sensei?"

"Kakashi... I need your talent, and Asuma's too! I want you to get everyone ready and put on a choreographed fight between yourself and Asuma... to the butt."

Kakashi's eye widened under his sunglasses. To the butt? It was like Sensei wanted him to evolve into YaoiKashi, or maybe Kakashi, chocolate highway, Hatake.

Kakashi paused to giggle at himself, that last name sounded like a hooker name.

He was really into the game today, hilt deep.

Or he was going to be, he was a top damn it, he wouldn't bottom for anyone!

"Kakashi, I need you to go tell Asuma, break it to him softly though."

And with that Kakashi left to go find Asuma and set into motion mudbutt love.

"Think that was wise brother?" Asked Hogan/Whitebeard.

"No... but it might just scare them off. I know it gives me the willies."

"What'cha gonna do if they don't run away?"

"I think you'll have to use your pythons, the 26-29inch ones on them. I'll handle Fukku if anything. Wait... I won't handle him, you know? But I'll fight him for sure. I'll never Fukku! Never!

The Hulkster, as Mr Hogan/whitebeard likes to call himself. Was mildly impressed.

For a man to exclaim that sort of thing well... Let's just go with it's amazing.

Almost as amazing as the time he wrestled the Macho Man in Madison square garden. That was before he decided to use his pythons to rib space/time a new one. How he ended up here a pirate captain he still wasn't sure. However he knew, the power of Hulkamania was behind this Minato character, so he'd follow him till the end.

Or atleast as far as his gut would take him. This guy was a bit out there you know.

would make a nice drinking buddy though.

Not knowing what to do with himself now that his plan had been sprung, and boy did he feel awkward using that term to describe it, he went into his cabin. In which he found his most beloved possession on board. His stash of sake. He was going to be trying to outsmart one of the worlds most notorious pirates, he couldn't do that sober. Not in a hundred years.

Not that he could do anything sober.

That's like a bad hangover for him.

He proceeded to drink himself into oblivion. Getting smashed, he reasoned, was probably the best way to deal with pirates anyway. He'd pull out his awesome Suiken skills on their butts anyway.

He was too drunk to notice the dull thumps announcing the arrival of the Kiri Pirates on-board.

Not that it mattered all that much though, They were whooping ass and all that shiz.

Hours later he would recall that they started to lose to the pirates when he threw up on some pretty boys shoes. Of course this was right before he passed out from drinking too little during the day. So all things considered it'd be weird for him to remember it while passed out. Not that something like that had stopped him in the past. In fact that was how he found out about marrying Kushina, that or the elbow drop from the ceiling to his balls.

"Oooooh awaggooooo." Said Minato with dignity and poise.

"Fukku went wild on you brother." Said a disheveled looking Hulkster.

Minato paused and then hesitantly asked

"What kind of wild are you talking about?"

"It has something to do with his name, or so I've heard!" Hulk-o-ram-a replied.

"I need to open a can Whitebeard."

Hulk Hogan looked at him questioningly, licked his capped lips and then asked

"What kind of can?"

"A can of straight up whoop-ass Whitebeard. And not even the drunk kind either, I'm feeling angry and soberish right now."

"Sounds like you need a can of industrial strength whoop-ass brother."

"I think so too Whitebread. I have a plan, I'm gonna need your strength though."

"The 29inch pythons are on your side, point me at the sucker who's gonna be getting the sleeper hold!" Exclaimed the Hulkster while flexing his massive arms.

"Someone's going to get a surprise pelvic thrust. Anf they aint gonna like it Beard old pal. They ain't gonna like it."

Nodding encouragely Hulk agreed.

It was then, that Minato noticed that they seemed to be in the brig.

This wouldn't do, this wouldn't do at all.

They obviously needed a better brig. These cells were made of wood! Minato chuckled before reaching out and well, he basically just yanked the bloody cell a part while Hulk nodded his concent to the way that it was done.

Escaping from the Brig they immediately noticed that they had entered the pirates sleeping quarters. As evidenced by the large amounts of hammocks and sleeping pirates.

"Whitebeard, I need your stealth, we need to kill these pirates quick and quite like."

"I got it brother, just leave this to the Hulkster." Making a quick set of hand signs copies of the Hulkster appeared next to all of the sleeping pirates before wrapping their massive pythons around their of so scrawny necks. An chorus of snaps were heard as Hulkamania ran wild over the now deceased pirates.

"Good job Whitebeard, you'd make a pretty great ninja!"

"Only today Minato! and only for you! hohohohoho!" Hulk wrestled up a nice verison of the Santa Claus laughter.

Minato was proud for Whitebeard was on his side!

Of course not literally on his side though. He liked Whitebeard but the man was pretty heavy looking. Also he wasn't sure but that sounded like something Gay-Land would do. Which was another weird thing, how could Sea-Gai be so awesome while Gay-land was so... not... awesome. It was a mystery to everyone, except maybe Kakashi.

For Kakashi knew the in's and out's of his eternal rival.

Oh yes he did.

Minato didn't stop in his stalking-like-walk, but his brain sort of skipped a beat.

And that's about when he asked himself an important question.

Where the hell was everyone?

MEANWHILE!

"NO! NOT LIKE THIS!" Yelled Asuma, as the Kiri pirates made liberal use of him.

"He's a smoker guys!" Shouted one of the pirates remarked upon finding Asuma's smokes. "He' definitely will be!" Said another pirate who was giving Asuma the eye.

ELSEWHERE ON THE SHIP!

"Yeah... the benefits aren't that bad but... you don't get to see a dentist very often as a pirate ya know?" Remarked a pirate to Kakashi.

"True, but most of the people I meet and converse with outside of Konoha end up being stabbed in the chest with lightning so..."

"Yeah..."

HAPPENING AT THAT SAME TIME WITH YAMATO!

"I knew my dental knowledge would come in handy someday!" Exclaimed Yamato, happy with the fact that his butt would not be pillaged."

Arriving on deck Minato acted like he own that ship.

Because, by the time he was through with them, Asuma wouldn't be the only one with a shrill piercing squeal.

Nor would he be the only one being used to satisfy an oral fetish. Except in Minato's case he'd be pitching, and using a kunai, and by kunai he definitely didn't mean his penis. Maybe.

A smirking Minato and a muscle happy Hulk Hogan walked across the deck like kings looking for their servants.

Kakashi however was on deck by then with his new buddies He spotted them instantly, it was almost like he had that Hyuuga eye thing. Minato hoped that he didn't! Because he already felt all those other Hyuuga's eyes on him whenever he bathed and that almost made him nervous!

Almost!

It made him so nervous he had a flashback to the time the Hyuuga man Hiashi dropped his towel in front of him. It was only be the sudden appearance of Orochimaru trying to stimulate his flailing lubricant business that he was still the full man he was today.

Going back to the point where Kakashi spotted them.

He waved them over and called out cheerfully.

"Sensei! Whitebeard! We were just about to play some cards want to join!"

Kakashi, Minato noted seemed to be a bit too excited to be aboard a ship full of enemies. But Minato didn't mind.

That made him feel good. However it left him with some questions would his luck at games stay the same? Would he have to beat the crap out of Kisame again? Would he get to punch Fukku in the chest? So many questions, so little booze to wipe it away.

There was only one thing he could ask.

And that is exactly what Minato did.

"Just.. what game are you gonna play exactly?" Minato crossed his arms. This was the ultimate question. Whether they would be leaving or staying would depend on the answer to this question. Whether Minato was good or not at that game... would be the deciding factor.

Unless of course hot naked woman fell from the sky. Then he'd be inclined to stay. Unless they were butter faces, then he'd be inclined to be pissed. As pissed as he was about Fukku. Or that time he was so pissed, that he pissed himself. He was really pissed that day.

"Old maid Sensei"

Minato blinked, then he blinked some more.

Then he frowned. Pointed behind himself, grabbed te cards while they weren't looking and tossed them over board.

"Kakashi, how can we play that if you don't even have any cards?"

"Sensei... why did you just do that?"

"Kakashi, think very hard about what you're going to say just now. I mean really really REALLY think about it. Now, what did I do Kakashi?"

Kakashi hesitantly shifted his eyes from side to side.

"...Nothing?"

"That's exactly right Kakashi. Exactly right." Minato nodded.

Looking to his right Minato noticed Whitebeard giving him the thumbs up. To his left he noticed Asuma crawling up the steps, with tears streaming down his cheeks and his shoes stolen.

"Kakashi! Some blonde guy stole my shoes, and some guy named Lo pan took my anal innocence! AVENGE ME!"

They all stared at Asuma.

And then smirked, Apparently Asuma still hadn't hung out with them enough.

"So..." Minato dramatically paused after ignoring Asuma "Now that we're all here, let's get down to business. I'm going to go beat the shit out of that Fuck you guy while surprising him all the while of course. And you guys are going to toss all the peopel we don't need off the ship."

Kakashi politely raised his hand like a good student

"Sensei can I keep my new friends?"

"Only if you feed them Kakashi, don't bathe them though. They probably look a whole lot more ugly under all that muck and grime"

"Can I bathe little Tim-tim-timmaro?" Asked Kakashi.

"Maybe... I don't think we have a tub or a large enough chain though." Stated the stately Minato.

A sudden groan erupted from the direction Asuma had been crawling to. It was so sudden and unexepected thateveryone on the deck was surprised. Their surprise turned to joy however as Yamato stepped squarely on Asuma's nads and then on deck."

"Hi everybody!" Said Dr. Yamato.

"Frig off, ya prick!" Said little Tim-tim-timmaro. Who quickly learned what it was like to be tossed off a ship by Yamato.

That was, not so sadly the end for him.

Only Kakashi was slightly sad, but he was use to loosing pets.

"So, What now?" Yamato tapped his foot on the 'ground'.

"Look at this man!" Said Minato unleashing a smile that could kill upon his comrades. "He's already callously killing things! I'm so proud!

Yamato shot him a look.

"I don't know what you mean Hokage-sama." He continued to slam his footprint down upon.. I mean tap his foot on the 'ground'

"Oh Yamato! You're just awesome today! But not as awesome as me remember that!"

"I'll try Hokage-sama."

"Do or be done Yamato, there is no try. Just ask Asuma, he got done just a few minutes ago!

"I will grave that into my wood for safe keeping"

An odd look appeared on Minato's face.

"Yeah. Um. You do whatever you need to do Yamato.. Yeah."

"My nuts! My beautiful nuts!" Yelled/groaned Asuma.

"Asuma always did look kind of squirrelly to me..." Murmured Yamato to himself.

"Well, If any of you would kindly ppoint me towards the lovely.. and by lovely I mean dead, Captain Fukasuma?" Minato changed the situation quickly, so quickly that everyone could tell that he changed it quickly.

"I think he's in the Captain's Quaters." Yamato point off in the obvious direction of the Captain's Quaters.

Everyone turned and stared at where Yamato was pointing. Right into Gai's eye. Apparently Gai had made good his escape and joined them on the deck, only to get his eye poked. Which kind of sucked for him.

After seeing the pause and the staring Yamato turned to peer at his finger, which at he time he realised was a bit damp and something seem to be clenching around it.

He hopped back in surprise! It was almost like Gai was using a surprise attack on his finger! Oh how could this be! When did Gai get there! Or when did he launch that attack!

Meanwhile, Gai was clutching his eye and asking the same thing.

It was then that Gai vowed(In his head!) to raise a student that would make Yamato fall. It would take time, brainwashing, and lots of spandex but he would do it. First though he had important news.

"Captain Starflower sir! Fukku has locked himself in his quarters and he refuses to come out and be sodomized by our men. I think he may have put on a chastity belt as well."

"I see, we have no choice then. Kakashi, initiate order 66."

"Hai Sensei!" and with that there was a flurry of activity.

Watching from the sides for a few minutes Minato found himself craving some kind of brandname ice cream that also reminded him of clowns.

Or at the least a clown offering him ice cream. He'd have to be named Kefka, Bozo, or maybe Buggy. One of those names would work. He'd have to think about it.

"Kakashi... I want ice cream!"

"Huh?"

"Ice cream! The double churned kind maybe!"

"..When do you want it?"

"In atleast a minute!"

"I'm not sure I can get twice out that soon sensei!"

"What are you talking about?"

Minato began to think, began to think hard. Kakashi was a pervert that meant that he was saying something perverted. He'd have to treat him like any respectable woman would. After all had he not once dressed up as a woman?

"Kakashi... YOU PERVERT!" Yelled Minato before hitting Kakashi with his shoryuken.

Kakashi would have blocked with a Yoga flame, but he knew he deserved it.

Minato was slighly proud and disturbed at the same time, for if a lady had asked him for ice cream he would have said the same. But he wasn't a lady and nor was Kakashi and that's what disturbed him.

Not that he didn't feel complimented, because he did. However, it was him, and not some random guy named Ezra. Maybe he could hook Kakashi up with that Iruka kid, he seemed to have a level head on his shoulders. Or maybe that was Genmarian, he couldn't tell anymore.

Suddenly over his sudden want for ice cream Minato continue on towards the end of his plan.

Which one was it again?

44? 91? 69? Oh good ole' 69.

The things he could vaguely remember doing with Kushina and other woman using that number as a basis. Well it was usually only the one thing really. Except that time when he actually tried to do the loop part, he still had a crick in his neck for all his effort. Thinking fast and talking faster, Minato decided to get things underway.

"Alright then men, drop your drawers and hold the applause. Minato is here to grab your rear!"

"Sensei!" Kakashi burst out from nowhere! "Wrong plan Sensei! plan 66 remember plan 66!"

And then Kakashi left, but only after taking a 'long' glance at Minato in front of him.

Leaving Minato in an awkward postion.

However Minato had been caught in even more awkward situations, like the time he tried to explain how he had to unlock his hidden powers that were locked in Mikoto, using only his tool and a liberal amount of lubricants. Orochimaru made quite a few sales that day.

"Alright then... plan 66! Gai you will be the door breaker, Whitebeard you come up from behind and get Fukku with your pythons. Yamato after he's caught I want you to put your seed in him. Asuma lay on the ground and groan a lot. Kakashi, keep doing whatever it is you do."

"Hokage-sama! your clothes? The pirates are eyeing your buttocks." Some random person called.

"Well, I am a piece of sex manly meat after all" Minato flexed his bicecps. "But I'll put on my pants."

Minato pulled up his pants and looked around, most of the men were blushing, and some of them were giving him the eye. Yamato looked disgusted, Asuma looked ashamed, and Gai, well it's better not to say what Gai was doing. Kakashi was in a stupor, and the Hulkster was giving him the thumbs up.

"Alright everyone! Let's do this! Even if it costs you your lives!" Minato poised proudly

As everyone milled about, Minato got a tinsy bit angry.

"JUST DO IT!" Screamed Minato as he randomly hopped around the ship.

"FUU!" Replied Yamato for some reason or another.

"IT'S GAI!" Yelled Gai.

"OH YEAH" Shouted Kakashi for no reason what so ever. But Kakashi was a bit thirsty anyways so it was okay with everyone.

And that's when they stormed the place.

The place was jam packed with pirates. And in the back could be seen a man with a hook hand and a fairly large hat. The hat only pissed Minato off further.

Minato smiled as everyone took there place and Yamato got ready to.. what the hell was that kid doing anyways?

Was that.. was that an oak seed he was taking out of his pocket?

Oh my god. Minato almost looked away, almost!

This was the most evil thing Yamato could have done!

Dear sweet lord Yamato was making a hand sign.

And that's when Fukku the furious pirate's epic adventure ended.

Now Minato thought, It was time to get the Sandiame off that island.. That Island that Kiri obviously put him on!

"And so it was that Fukku learned what it was like to have a tree grow out of his butt. Minato and his band of men would go on to sail into Kiri and wreck up the place, during the raid Minato would be seen running away from the Kage tower with his pants pooled around his ankles. The hero's returned to Konoha, after the Sandaime 'mysteriously' appeared amidst a bright flash." Narrated Minato for no real reason.

"Sensei... none of that stuff has happened yet." Said Kakashi.

"Oh, but it will Kakashi, it simply will."

"Then we better get to work then huh Sensei?"

"Indeed we should."

"And so they set sail, going off proudly into the sunset towards Kiri. Where they would wage battle and rescue that poor unfortunate soul the Sandiame Hokage."

* * *

**So, since MegaB is busy with his course load! (UNI! HOMEWORK CENTRAL FUU!)**

**Lainana is here so never fear!**

**We here of the IS writing group-people-aliens Would like to congradulate InarealPickle for her Wink-Wink.**

**And we would also like to thank everyone who reviews this story! **

**Ageant: I want to state that Kuja is easily the strongest FF villain ****and anyone who thinks differently obviously can't tell shit from shit**

**Next 'chapter' Is the ending! Although we have a secret chapter for everyone's enjoyment too!**** We hope you all enjoy this chapter because!**

**It was the pirate Arc! **

**Have a Good day and an, (hopefully) even better night! If you know what I mean! Pickle does, she got something out it.**


	18. The Finale! Just do it! Fuu!

Minato was in his office as usual, doing what amounted to work for him. Which of course meant he was bringing bottles of sake to his lips and then arranging them in patterns that amused him. For some reason though he couldn't shake the feeling that something horrible was going to happen.

"Hmm, I never noticed how red the sky was."

Glancing over the papers on his desk, he noticed that A) there was a Dango contest going on today. and B) There was a Dango contest going on today.

This must have been a sign.

For some reason he recalled this one Anko kid, who he often seen at Dango bars.

He also recalled that Asuma had gone to join the shinobi court guards after his horrible horrible butt plundering episode. Which only further reminded him of the Dango eating contest. Maybe he should go preside over it. Or at least go and get some free food.

Tossing a glance over his shoulder to see if anyone was watching, which no was except the Anbu, but Minato was gonna leave even if someone was watching so it didn't really matter anyways.

He hopped out the window and made his way to that one girl.

Not his wife though, the due date was near and he liked not having spit in his eye. He'd see about this Ankle girl and her love of dango, he'd sponsor her if needed.

Well, he'd maybe not! since he wanted to join!

He'd need to get someone to help though, maybe Yamato. He'd get Kakashi but he remembered that today was the day Kakashi played Dungeons and the beast within them with Genma, and Gai.

After collecting Dango eater Ankle-kun from the dango bar itself, they jogged to the center of the shopping district where the challenge was going on.

He used some complicated hand signals to wave the Anbu's off to find Yamato at someone, so the probability that they were going to meet in the square is high.

As the came to a stop in the town square the noticed that one of the teams looked to be failing, and the other had a giant line up behind it.

It was also about then that Yamato came running up behind them waving.

"HEY! YOU GUYS!" Yelled Yamato a dumb look on his face.

"Yamato, your job is freeing Dango from their sharp pointed sticks, while I throw the product of your accomplishments in Ankle's gaping maw." Said Minato.

"I'll do as you say Hokage-sama."

"I hope you have some rice for me wood boy." Said the teenage girl within their midst.

"I always carry rice around during this month, so were fine." Yamato pulled out a large box from somewhere.

"Great."

"Alright you two brats let's go up to that side there."

"Which side?"

"That one with the bunch of people, it looks the tastiest. When we get to the front fend everyone off and make sure we're the only ones to eat at our dinner table."

"Now make sure to walk up dramatically. Also look badass, so Yamato don't give me any of that scary face crap."

"You got it!"

"Anko I want you to saunter up and try and look cute for crying out loud. If I see one sultry wink out of you I swear for the love of God that I will strike you down."

"You got it!"

"Alright, just do it!"

"Even if it costs us our lives, Hokage-sama." Yamato slauntered forwards.

Anko, strut like she owned the village.

Minato pushed people to the ground because he owned the village.

And when they finally made it to the front, they all turned looked at the people who was backing away slowly. crossed their arms like the badasses that they were.

"Anko assume the position! NO NOT THAT POSITION!" Yelled Minato as Anko pulled handcuffs from somewhere and placed her hands on the nearby table.

"Ah, Dango reception position?!" Said an excited Anko, her eyes filled with glee.

"Yes... that position."

"Yes!" Anko excitedly positioned her self.

"Yamato!" Minato shouted loudly to Yamato who was already beside him so he really didn't need to shuot but yet still for some reason felt the need to shout!

"Hai!"

"Was that Japanese? Good job Yamato!"

"Hokage-sama?"

"I mean are you ready?"

"Once they start this thing we're good to go Hokage-sama."

The shout to begin filled the air and Dango was devoured. Anko was like a machine, both Dango and rice filling her insatiable gullet as fast as they could fling it. Minato ate as well, like a man possessed. Yamato's hands worked like a young sapling bending in the breeze and snapping back to hit unsuspecting travelers.

When we say that Minato ate as well, we mean that in between tossing the dango passed by Yamato to himself to throw to Anko he was using his free hand to drag random dango sticks from the table and into his own gullet.

They were going through plates fast. Very fast.

And then 'it' happened.

It is also something one must never mention to Anko in the future as well, it was just unmentionable.

Yamato's hands which had been like laser guided missiles of Dango throwing veered off course. The results were immediate and dramatic. Anko went down, and not in that sexy awesome way, no this was in the writhing in agony way.

"Oh NO!" Shouted Yamato, tears streaming down his face.

"ANKLE!" Minto swept up her body. "ANKLLLLEEE!"

"Hokage-sama... Hokage-sama.. It's gonna be alright her sacrifice was honourable. Honourable."

"I see Yamato, she did... she did do an honourable thing today." The not-quite weeping Minato said. "Now Yamato we must win this thing. Our side shall win this Dango Contest. It shall."

"Alright Hokage-sama. Let's do this."

"Even if it costs you, your life Yamato. Your life."

So they ate, and ate, and ate some more. Their bodies strained, their bowels moved, but still they pressed on. Yamato was the first to break, his body ballooned to massive proportions, his cheeks filled with Dango.

"HoKage-sama, I... can't go any further. Go on without me."

"Then shove it in your ballsack!" Thus having spoken did Minato start to stuff dango down both his and Yamato's gullet.

Just about then a group of peasents showed up, looking starved and hungry.

They saw the long line on one side, and a 2 people eating and one person passed out on the group at another line.

They quickly started dashing towards the table with the lowest amount of people.

Minato noticed instantly. Causing him to stop stuffing himself and Yamato.

He immediately set about thrashing the peasants that would dare try and eat his dango.

And then it was over.

Yamato was flailing on the ground, moaning in what seemed to be pain. And Anko seemed to be sleeping like a baby.

Just as they were announcing the winner this giant Red thing burst from the sky and promptly and savagely some might think, killed the announcer.

Minato's eyes were wide. He turned to the moaning and out of action Yamato.

"Crap. Kushina's giving birth."

And with that Minato sprung off towards the hospital away from the impending doom he didn't really care about, nor did he know about.

What was really funny though was that Kushina was really giving birth.

"Oh shit shit shit SHIT!" Yelled Minato as he ran through Konoha as fast as he could. He was more afraid then had ever been. Kushina was giving birth and causing natural disasters as she went. There also seemed to be a gigantic fox running around too, but who the hell cared about that sort of thing?

"HOKAGE-SAMA! The Kyuubi is attacking, he keeps screaming about the guy he sold booze to!" Yelled one of his ANBU, the one with the purple sash and sway in his hips.

At the words of that switch hitting ANBU, Minato stopped. His mind cleared and his eyes widened, he had sold his son to a giant fox for booze, and his father/son had mentioned some kind of sealing.

"Kushina is going to be pissed... Throw everything you can at him, hold him off. I'm going to summon a giant donkey to sodomize him!"

The Anbu stood still, shocked and horrified. He was the recently promoted guy, he had been the one to hold down Gai. He really kind of hoped that summon didn't work.

Luckily for him it didn't. Which was very unlucky for Minato, he'd have to think of something else.

Minato summon Gamabunta, the giant and current king of the toads.

Kakashi arose upon the giant toad with him, Kakashi armed with his distance weapon. He was very experienced with even though he had never used it before. It was a bow, with arrows of course.

But since this seemed to be a distance fight he was sure it would work.

As Minato and his golly little ninja's swarmed around the evil Madara. of what seemed to be the Uchiha clan stood upon the mighty Kyuubi whispering sweet nothings to the fox as his very own page boy stood quietly beside him.

"Oh Kyuubi, they'll never give you the child.. never you should find him yourself Kyuubi find him. Even if you have to destroy the village, you should find what belongs to you Kyuubi. It is yours is it not?"

Upon the great toad Gamabunta Kakashi squinted at the fox's head.

"Hey, sensei? I think someones up there on that period colour'd fox's head."

"Oh? Ohhhh. There's two of them I think." Minato squinted a bit.

"One seems to be mighty unhappy."

"Must be a page boy."

"Indeed."

And that when an obscene scary sounding shouted caught their attention.

"I AM MADARA UCCCHIIHA! I'VE COME TO PILLAGE THIS VILLAGE FOR THE GREATER GOOD. OH. AND THIS IS MY PAGE BOY, PAGE BOY." He ended with a rather dull voice.

"See Kakashi?" Minato nodded at his own wisdom.

"Good eye Sensei."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" Madara waved at them to catch their attention again.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" Minato shouted back as he rolled his eyes.

"I SAID I-"

WOOSH. CLINK. SPLATTER.

A arrow planted itself in the page boy. Everyone promptly turned to look at Kakashi (Everyone, meaning Minato and Madara and Mayhaps the ninja's attempting to fight the Kyuubi.. and I guess the Kyuubi also throws Kakashi a look as well.)

He looked at them, shrugged and spoke up for himself.

"Maa, I have one eye. What'd you expect?"

Minato rolled his eyes, Madara frowned at his basically dead page boy, Kyuubi started his people eating again and the ninja began their fight to the death again.

This is about when Minato came up with a brillant idea, one that would get him out of fatherhood and make the other side happy at the same time.

He'd also be in heaven as well. So this idea worked for both sides. It was a great idea.

He'd have to seal the Kyuubi into his son, it's too bad the Kyuubi was a dude he thought, or else his son might be able to start a harem of some sort with her. However that would never be, as Minato could see it's massive dangily bits, which was weird since the Bijuu were just chakra.

"Kakashi, go to the hospital, get my son Naruto, and then rush back here, do it fast, do it quick, and do it with your viking hat on.

"You got it!"

Minato stared at Madara and Madara stared back at him. They raised their fist at the same time, and began chanting together.

"First comes Rock. ROCK, SCISSORS, PAPER!" Minato's fist opened into paper, as did Madara's, they stared at each other with hatred burning in their eyes. "Isn't that a tie?!" They said at the same time. Their glares intensified. They threw again to the same conclusion, and again, and again.

"Listen just throw the game blondie!"

"Shut up asshole, you throw the game, you're old anyway Dara?"

"It's MADARA! And I'm not old! You're just too young!"

"That's not what your girlfriend said when I was banging her!" Minato grinned at his witty retort, Madara however looked super pissed. It was at this point one unlucky chunin named Umino something decided to toss his two cents.

"OH BURN! MASSIVE BURN!" He was unlucky at this point, for at the sound of his massive yell, the Kyuubi turned around and incinerated the poor poor man.

'Sure hope Kakashi gets back here soon.' Thought Minato, watching Madara and the Kyuubi warily.

It was at this point that Kakashi returned, with a small bundle in his hands and a black eye.

"Here's your son Sensei!"

"Thanks Kakashi. Good job, you took one for the team. Now why don't you go back to the hospital steal a bed and get pampered."

"Will do Sensei. Good luck." Kakashi smiled and waved for before vanishing in his newest jutsu. That one that makes leaves swirl around him when he vanishes.

"Don't wish luck to the lucky Kakashi!" Minato said loudly to perhaps Kakashi.

It was at this time, that a certain red headed woman, from the land of whirlpools, staggered out of the hospital. She had a fierce look in her eyes, and what appeared to be a massive amount of spit brewing in her throat.

"When I get my hands on you Minato, the Kyuubi will be the last of your problems!" She was pissed, too pissed to notice the pile of peasants she tripped over. Sadly, that combined with her weakened condition from giving birth, made her fall into a rather sharp pile of dango sticks unavoidable, and horribly fatal.

"I feel like I just avoided someone spitting in my eye." Remarked Minato suddenly. Across the battlefield the Kyuubi had a similar momentary pause before launching back into it's wave of destruction.

Upon Gamabunta's back Minato drew upon his son's stomach watching as the small boy giggled and cried at the same time.

And then he someone how went through the long list of handseals while holding the brat. Somehow.

Slamming his hand down he summoned the god of death.

The god of death was rather ugly by all standards. All pale and sickly looking, with horns and a mane of hair that looked like it had never seen a bottle of shampoo. It made Minato wish Whitebeard was here and not helping to build Konoha's inland navy.

"You've ruined my hopes of you being a hot and lustful woman bastard." The Shinigami had the good graces to look partially ashamed. However it was there for business not pleasure. So being the dutiful if ugly being it was, it put it's hand through Naruto, Minato and into the Kyuubi, before withdrawing it in the opposite order. Stopping on Naruto it deposited the Kyuubi inside and put up a pretty nifty looking gate.

Looking to Minato the creature sighed before signaling the man to make his farewells.

Minato had the gall to look confused for a second, and then he peered at his child.

"Naruto, you're my son. You have to live up to that. Be a hero Naruto. Give them hell." He petted Naruto's cute blond head and glanced up at the Shinigami.

And then everything around Minato blurred. When he became fully aware again he was looking up at a giant gate.

It was the very same gate that Kyuubi lay behind.

Minato, being the creator of the seal itself knew what he had to do. And hot damn he was gonna do it. His son would survive, he would make sure of it.

"Man... it's going to suck being in here sober with only this asshole for company." Looking around he sighed, this wasn't how he ever imagined his life ending but what could he do. He'd lived his way, kicked some ass, and had some awesome adventures. Now it was up to his son to carry on the legacy.

"Good luck... Naruto." Using the last of his energy and fusing his consciousness into it, Minato performed one last jutsu, putting a safeguard over the seal. His son would live, no matter what. He'd make sure of it no matter what.

Just as Minato was losing consciousness again and forever, he saw himself appear. It worked, his jutsu worked. The safeguard(Namely himself.) would stay inside Naruto's mind and fuel the secondary seal until it was no longer needed.

Although this version of himself was not nearly as sexy or as wondrous as he was Minato was happy. For he would be in 'heaven' forever.

The copy of Minato watched as he(His creator) disappeared, probably into the stomach of the Shinigami, and absentmindedly told himself that he was obviously the better Minato because he was so much more manly and amazing than that other one. Plus his sex drive was much higher(better).

So, off to the back of Naruto's mind Minato2.0 went, to fuel the seal using his gift from god.

How many times would he come to rescue Naruto, well Minato wasn't sure yet.

* * *

**Goodnight and Goodmorning! This is the end to our Fic It's Simple! I hope you enjoyed it!**

**We the Author's: MegaB, Lainana and last but not least Ageant! would like to thank you all who have given us this amazing chance to spread joy and laughter into your lives! **

**Hopefully we've spawned something amazing into the very depths of your heads!**

**We have a character Blog that will be coming up on here soon! So please look forward to that as well!**

**Stay safe! (And Warm - Lainana..- And comp!)**


	19. Outtakes!

OUTTAKES! Bet you didn't expect this?!

Expect the Unexpected.

ZZZZZZ

Minato strolled down the street, not a care in the world, barely paying attention to all the black cats and old ladies in need along his path. He knew he was forgetting something, but it couldn't have been that important if he didn't remember it.

It was then that a speech caught his attention; this was obviously highly abnormal behaviour for him. However Minato could not stop himself from being ensnared by the Sandaime.

It was of common knowledge that when the Sandaime was near Minato… Well let's just say Minato stopped acting like himself.

"Ninja of Konohagakure hear me! I beseech any among you who are interested in being the next Hokage to put your name forth now. My time as Hokage has come and soon it will be gone, I wish to rest my weary bones. Of course it's not because of the massive supple mounds of paper work, or the dithering and nagging of a council that's too full of itself, nor is it the tedium that is slowly boring me to death… oh hoho not any of that at all."

All of the Jounins present shifted nervously and quickly glanced away from the Sandaime, not Minato though. He couldn't look away from slightly above the old geezers head.

Old man Sarutobi sighed deeply, he had expected this really. His eyes began to search the crowd, he'd be damned if he'd be stuck coddling these babies another day.

No one would make eye-contact with him though, well besides Orochimaru, he was giving him a stare that scared the crap out of him. It was a look that reminded him of his wife while she was pregnant and out for his blood, or balls. Whichever she got a hold of first really.

Sighing again he decided to just do this the way his teachers had.

"Alright since no one wants to apply, I'll be choosing candidates from among you myself."

At this point Orochimaru decided to speak up.

"I'll do it. Ha ha ha…" He glanced around nervously hoping no one picked up on his mistake.

Sarutobi and everyone else just ignored him.

"Okay... moving right along." He glanced around the room and noticed Minato had his hand raised.

Minato who was actually rubbing his chin and fixing his hair was a bit startled when the Sandaime pointed at him. However being who he was, he decided to simply go with the flow.

"What… are the benefits of becoming the Hokage?"

Everyone froze for a moment, before looking at him. Upon looking they froze some more and then they too wondered. What were the benefits of being the Hokage? It couldn't only be the tower and funky robes could it?

"That's a good question Minato, I'll be sure to give you a banana sticker for asking it later." Everyone grumbled about not getting one of the treasured banana stickers, while Minato high fived everyone around him weather they were willing or not.

"So… what are the benefits Old Man of the leaves?" Minato asked for a second time.

"Ah! That's a good question Minato! Well… you get to adopt a pet from the adoption centre of course, and you get these robes. Also you get to know all the village's Secrets!"

"What about the Hat?"

"This old thing?" Sarutobi asked while running his fingers along the brim of his awesome hat. "This of course comes with the office."

"I'll do it!" Shouted Minato to no one's surprise.

"That's the spirit! Alright, does anyone else want to apply for the position? No one else wants to be Hokage? None of you slackers wants to be the primary protector of the village?!"

Orochimaru was jumping up and down, doing anything to get Sarutobi's attention. He had to be Hokage, he just had to! Even if it cost him his life.

"Sensei! You have to be the strongest right?! The strongest in the village! Or else you can't become Hokage! Thus the Hokage should be me!" Orochimaru did an odd looking sprint towards his sensei. It made him look like he was the retarded offspring of a crab and a rooster.

"Oh hohohohohoho. That is true! However with all I have taught you, do you honestly think you are the strongest already? The both of you have yet to even have a match!" Saru the Jiji nodded to himself thoughtfully. "Yes you will both fight here and now. BEGIN!"

As this went on Minato started to frown. The longer it went on the bigger his frown got. That hat was his. So as soon as the word was given and Orochimaru had arrived in front of him.

He channeled all his hope, his dreams, and all of his sorrows and nailed him in the face with a frightful punch knocking Orochimaru OUT!

"BOOM! HEAD SHOT! I beat him with one punch too! Obviously that hat is meant for me and I am meant for it."

"Nice job Minato!" Sarutobi the old slid him a fiver on the down low.

"Besides he said Iwa ain't that bad once."

Saying Iwa ain't bad? That was too much for Konoha. So thus it was that Orochimaru was given a proper unconscious ass beating that would be told of in legend for years to come.

After settling everything up with Sarutobi, and being sworn in as Hokage to be, he suddenly remembered he had to meet those kids who kept saying he was their teacher. Using his famous Flashing skills, he zoomed in on their location. When he didn't find them at the first spot, he just flashed around town until he spotted them. He needed an excuse though, they'd be a pain in the ass if he didn't have one.

Suddenly his trip down the street crashed back in his skull. He had the perfect excuse!

"Hey Guys! Guess what! I'm Hokage now! Today I had to go through ten ultimate challenges... Hey... Hey are you listening?"

"Who'd believe that Sensei?" Monotoned Kakashi.

"Yeah... who'd put you in charge of the entire village?!" Stated Rin.

"I... I believe you Sensei!" Yelled Obito with stars in his eyes.

"Obito! You're my favourite student! Take after me!" Minato began to weep manly tears.

"Sensei!" Cried out Obito embracing Minato in a truly platonic manner.

"It's true though you know. Old Man Monk-age gave me the position after I knocked out Orochirape-u."

"Whoa!" Said Obito, while his other two students scoffed unbelievingly.

"I did it all for the Hat."

"We believe you now Sensei." Said Rin, speaking on behalf or herself and Kakashi.

"Yeah, only Sensei would and could become Hokage for the sake of a hat." Kakashi added.

"Did... did Kakashi just try and crack a joke?" Asked Obito disbelievingly.

"I think so! Oh my wonderful stalkers! How you've grown in your time chasing me around!"

"So... Shouldn't you be doing Kage-stuff now Sensei?" Rin asked.

"They'll have to catch me first stripper." Minato looked at her with serious eyes.

"I AM NOT A STRIPPER!" Shouted Rin, her face red with rage.

"Rin strips to pay her way through college Sensei?" Asked Obito completely ignoring Rin's outburst.

"Times are tough all around treasured pupil." Added Minato with a nod.

"Actually, that's the stripper myth, most of them just use that to get better tips." Spoke Kakashi, the hint of experience in his voice assuring the other males that he knew of what he spoke.

"Still, now that I think about it. Last week I thought I saw her on the corner near the Uchiha district late at night" Obito said, giving Rin an appraising look.

"You never know... It might have been her, using her womanly tubes for things... We'll never know for sure though Shorty. It's a mystery to everybody."

Rin could only stand there mouth agape, wondering what she had ever done to deserve this.

"Rin... I don't mind if you have to do that sort of thing to pay the bills. Just not during practice alright?"

"...Hai Sensei." Said Rin resignedly.

"Great! Now who's up for some drinking?"

**At this point I was like wtf?! And Lai was like 'hahaha!' But I knew...see, I knew that that little stripper joke was aimed at something. She just mocked all us poor, little money university students!**

**Lai: I have no idea what you're talking about *whistles innocently***

Asuma: After his horrible, HORRIBLE pirate...thingy, Asuma stayed in Konoha till shortly after the Kyubi's loan collecting mission. After the further horror, and his father's advice to "Walk it off, dick." Asuma went and joined the Daimyo's court, where he was watched closely for a long time because of his hairy knuckles.

**Who'd have thought that's why he became one of the Daimyo's Guardians? This stuff is crack...**

**Lai: Yeah, I know...we wrote it after all.**

Kakashi: Went on to be a great fan of Jiraiya, reading the porn where ever he was and when ever he was. He was constantly late because he liked to go to the MIA stone and read it out load so Obito and Minato can listen in. (If they could, he wasn't sure but he felt good reading it out loud) Hopefullly Obito's spirit would enjoy this since he died a virgin.

**Ok...now that...THAT is messed up. I knew Kakashi was on something. It's the creepy, bored look he has all the time.**

**Lai: Chuckles behind a Shark-Glove clad hand.**

Gai: Gai went on to become a well renowned Pirate Captain. Known for his Explosions of Rage, and youthful Keelhauling. On returning to Konoha he took up his mantle of Gay and committed himself to youth. He is currently seeking a relationship, with someone youthful.

**I was wondering whether I should cut this bit out. Isn't it M?!**

**Lai: You'd cut off your hair if it was M.**

Anko: Went on to become Konoha's primary Dango eater/almost stripper. After many years of service (not like that!) she would be attacked by root ANBU, this incident inspired her to take more control of her life, thus she went on to pursue her childhood dream of becoming a Dancing Queen/Dango connoisseur.

**Can't you just tell Agent A wrote this one?**

**Lai: He's a whale, just so you know.**

Kushina: Kushina's last thoughts "*Censored* WIFE *Censored* *Censored* HUSBAND! .. MY BABY" And that she is also skewered still on Dango sticks.

**...**

**When I first read how they did Kushina's death, I won't lie to you, I stared at the screen in a trance.**

**Lai: It's your own fault for not being online when we did it!**  
____________________________________________________________________

Madara: Madara(A.k.a. Dara, A.k.a Zura ja nai, Katsura dattebayo!) went on to live in various caves while pretending to be a mentally challenged individual. However he listened to the sage advice of a man named Zetsu and never went full retard.

**That first line is so full of win.**

Sandaime: After his trip to the island, Sandaime was never the same. All the opium he had while there got to his brain, that and the sun stroke. Even with opium Sandaime seemed to be talking like a wizened old windbag with a gas problem. He sprouted odd things from quotes to his own thoughts seemingly at random. But no one ever noticed since they knew he was old, not that he was clinically insane.

**And THAT particular adventure comes later, my dear reader! Hahahahahaha!**

* * *

WhiteBeard: Hulk Hogan eventually took over the persona of Whitebeard after getting constantly annoyed all the time. Minato showed him the path to greatness and he damn well stepped on it with all his might. He even grew his moustache out, moon-shaped!

**Ahhh, the Pirate Arc! So much fun!**

**Lai: I love Pirates!**

Maid Genrian: After his adventurers in cross-dressing, Genma would go on to try and become Konoha's best trap. He failed horribly when Neji Hyuuga turned 5 years old.

**I've totally forgotten this character! Have you?**

**Lai:...**

Tobitake Tonbo: Tonbo went on to get lost in the desert. He showed up in Konoha a year after the Kyuubi's "attack" with dreadlocks and a pair of sunglasses. The reason for this is unknown.

**Heheheh! This guy's great! It's funny as hell that nobody even knows he exists and yet...the 'girls' in this place have elevated him to e-idol status!**

**Lai: No, only Pickle!**

Yamato's Kidney: After leaving Sandaime's place with kidney in hand, Minato found that it made a great stress reliever for the 2 seconds he squeezed it.

He went on to find that it also made a great back scrubber when helping Kushina wash up and from there he found that if you didn't quite have enough stuff to put in people's milk shakes apparently it provides excellent quality strawberry juice.

Minato, after finding so many uses for Yamato's kidney put it in a special place in his house. On the book shelf. Where he found it made a great replacement bookend for the one he threw and broke the other day.

And the beautiful tears it dropped while being up there... Well. No one would ever steal his books.

**Somehow, I know that you wrote this as a little message to me Ageant. Know that I know this.**

**Lai: Sheep's Intestines Fuu!**

Kakashi's Bathroom: It was dark in Kakashi's bathroom.

But there was a clear path to the most used functions in the room. One to the shower, one to the toilet and one to the sink.

Not that Kakashi need a path, Ninja tip-toeing became one of his best skills over the years.

Kakashi never turned on the light, and the light never turned on without Kakashi.

But, since you really wanted to know...

Lining the floor was a bunch of towels, All slightly dabbed in a some red substance. Where did these linens come from?

There's a girl next door that Kakashi just can't help but notice.

And once a month during a certain week, Kakashi nabs a towel from her.

But not just any towel either.

He makes sure to nab it in the night. Also he makes sure to wear his ninja pants real tight. He dashes in quick, and doesn't hold his... well anyway he's very stealthy. He always grabs it off the line, in order to impress that lady next door.

However he's rightly reasoned that stealing someone's towels is a cruddy thing to do, so he never returns them!

Being the lazy bastard that he is, Kakashi not wanting to return the bloodied towels but yet not wanting to do anything with them kind of just left them in the bathroom.

Because that's where towels belong.

Now, the funny thing is every year Kakashi has to find a new person to leech off of.

For you see, after a year of having your bloody towels stolen. You kind of just leave the neighbourhood. In fact most of them would have run screaming after the second theft if not for their lease.

What? Konoha's an expensive place to live!

Kakashi also had a secret. Sometimes when he got off of the shower he dripped water all over the floor and the blood on the towels leaked out onto the floor making a blood puddle.

It got really sticky in there every so often. So everyonce n' awhile he makes sure to drop a towel on the puddle and use his foot to half-assedly clean it up.

He figures that in the off chance that he ever has to move, he'll just hire some genin to take care of it. The cheapest team he can find... hopefully young too. He can give them a very easy explanation and some candy and they'll never speak of it. To anyone... ever.

He chuckled while thinking of making his own genin team do it, Well if he ever got one. But somehow he almost doubted his life would come down to that. Almost.

He'd of course be the figure who was only 'cool' in hindsight. He'd need a rather plucky kid who was only out to score like his delicious sensei. Some kind of brooding prick to play him when he was not cool. Also he'd need a hooker, though one more exotic looking than Rin if possible.

As the day ended, As the month ended, We are still finding out more unusual things about the most interesting and curious creature that goes by the name

Hatake Kakashi.

GODZILLA!

**...Somehow, my image of Kakashi is ruined forever.**

**Lai: It already was. Don't make me bring up Dominick!**

**Luckily, I censored that! And be glad I did dear readers! It would scar you forever!**

Kyuubi: He's still waiting for the money for that six pack he bought. Oh Kyuubi!

**Hahahahaha! Bet nobody expected that!**

**Lai: Damnit! Give Kyuubi his 6-pack!**

Minato: Went on to live in both the Shinigami and his child's stomach at the same time. In Naruto's stomach Minato went on to hurl abusive language at the Kyuubi. In Shinigami's stomach Minato went on to beat the shit out Sandaime's bottom with Orochimaru's arms, while laughing at the ass end of the Kyuubi floundering around.

It should also be noted that Sandaime was not hurt in the writing of this blurb. He volunteer'd for any actions he took part in.

**That's just...so wrong.**

**Lai: Cackling madly as she is wont to do.**

Itachi: Aka Toto, He's now well versed in the art of hating people, His time with The hokage is the time that changed him for the better, Itachi will forever be in debt to Konoha.

**I think this is the best explanation I've ever read for why he goes rogue and yet doesn't try to kill Naruto. Sharingan what?**

**Lai: We are just that awesome.**

Jiraiya: He became a world renowned playwrite, and even more well known lecher. He always became well known for running away from anyone who said the words child support in his presence.

**Poor Jiraiya, he was doomed from the get-go.**

**Lai: Damn you Ageant!**

Homura: Continued to constantly poop himself and yell obscenities in council meetings.

**I censored that last bit...why is it that nearly every outtake has been turned into some crazy perverted escapade?!**

**Lai:...umm, maybe because it is?**

Danzo: Went on to head a band called the Misfits. A bit further on in life he would be known as the guy that did that Mother song.

**...I have three words for him: Eye Gunk Guy.**

**Lai: Don't worry, I have Shark Gloves!**

Kirabi: Went on to sing at Minato's funeral... naked.

**You know, I can actually imagine him doing this.**

**Lai: Of course you can Bee!**

Beth: During all her time as Mizukage, Beth's personality changed a bit she became more of a slut and her boobs grew even bigger. She angst'd and blamed Madara for the state of Mizu and proceeded to want revenge. Beth is the much better spitting version of Sasgay.

**Bethy, bethy, bethy...wherefore art thou?**

**Lai:...**

Kisame: Is currently undergoing psychological treatment for being too close to Minato's crotch. He is also seeking reparations from the Daimyo of Mizu. However all his attempts to speak to the Daimyo have been refused.

**And then you wondered why his sword fuses with him and turns into a shark. Lai, have you been influencing Masashi Kishimoto?!**

**Lai: I had a dream-**

***Groan***

Water lord: Is currently spending his time dodging Kisame's reparation request, and snorting cocaine... a whole lot of cocaine. I mean if you were to see it, you would think 'Wow! That was a lot of cocaine just then'.

**Well that explains why the Sandaime found what he did on a remote island in Mizu!**

**Lai: Fuu!**

Gaara lived his life not taking shit from anyone, just like that tall drunk blonde man taught him. You have to stick it to the man if you want to get anywhere. And that's exactly what he did. Sometimes, Gaara even got a shower out of it.

**Never let a blond influence anyone...period. Right Lai?**

**Lai: Stop abusing my sister's boyfriend!**

Old Lady Chiyo: Old Lady Chiyo kept hopping round Suna like it was a big play ground. Till suddenly one hot day, her grandson Sasori came back to play. So she chased after him lightning fast, and killed him with some pink haired girl, on cratered ground. Soon afterwards though she used a jutsu and she hissed, cause she died bringing Gaara back from the deathly mist.

**And that shows you why Ageant should never write poetry. Srsly.**

**Lai: Whale's shouldn't write poetry anyway! Ask Dory!**

Hizashi and Hiashi: Hizashi later went on to die in his brother's stead. However he in fact had the last laugh. Which would explain his particularly angsty nature in later life.

**Poor Hiashi. If only Neji knew eh?**

**Lai: He has girly hair, what did you expect?**

**Neji? Or Ageant? :P**

Where'd the spandex seller get the spandex: Once upon a time, a farmer was taking a walk through the forest. He came up a tree that looked mildly nice. He looked at it, and for some reason was distracted by it.

After some time he returned home to find a large box sitting upon his doorstep. Taking a look inside, he was curious. It seemed to be some type of clothing.

Bringing the clothing in, he proceeded to try one on. He found that it fit a bit too snugly. His ball sack was riding high into... Well that can't be good.

Looking in the mirror he found that he also, looked horrible. It was like a horror movie, but real and uglier than one.

Quickly stripping he stuffed it in the box and ran next door. Leaving the box on one of his neighbour's steps he quickly ran back home.

The neighbour whose step the box was on, did exactly the same thing.

From neighbour to neighbour the box of clothing went until it made its way into Konoha and into the hands of our dear shop keeper.

Who, after peering inside noted with wide eyes.

"My my.. this.. this is SPANDEX!" He also noted that the spandex smelled like mouldy old socks. So after a trip in the laundry machine he quickly put the spandex out for sale.

"This useless article of clothing will make people buy my other stuff." it was an evil plan, and hot damn it worked. After someone's eyes connected with the spandex articles the darted off to the clothing elsewhere in the store. Curiosity and blindness got the better of them.

At least until Maito Gay.. Gai came along. He was the most unique person the shop keeper ever saw, and after Gai bought his first outfit the shopkeeper couldn't stop crying. Oh what had he done?! What had he done to this village?!

Later on when Gai and his pupil showed up again, the shop keeper closed down his store he broke. He just couldn't take it anymore.

And better yet. That strapping Yondaime Hokage had already stolen all his spandex years before.

**And that's why, dear readers, you'll never see a street vendor selling Spandex!**

**Lai: Cosmo! Get back here!**

Where'd Kakashi get the hat and parrot: Where did Kakashi find the Hat and the Parrot?!

Hatake Kakashi sped through the undergrowth on his merry way to the coasts of Kiri in order to...

What the hell were they doing again?

Anyway, so Sensei had ordered him and his comrades to assault Kirigakure and to do that they had to act all Pirate-like.

Pirate-like, Kakashi thought, Pirates would never be the same without their hats right?!

So looking around, he spied an old woman with a hat that looked just like a pirate's hat! I was all triangle-like and even had a feather!

Now Kakashi wasn't one to steal from the elderly; he was an upright, good-willed citizen if he said so himself. However, it was the feather that decided it.

Come on! The feather was bright red! Isn't that just a perfect pirate colour?

Ignoring the sputtering old woman who, just so you know, was entirely bald, he pondered on where he could find a parrot. Pirates would never be pirates without their talking parrots would they?!

Through his deep thought, the old woman's voice managed to break through.

And she was squawking.

Fist met palm. In a puff of smoke, he had his parrot and the old woman was nowhere to be seen. Smiling happily, Hatake Kakashi sped back to his group of merry brothers on their way to declare war.

**Hahahaha! Who wudda thought?!**

**Lai: OMG! He did not just do that!!!**

Sarutobi's Island Adventure:

The air was slightly salty before Sarutobi could even realise it. There was also a hint of sand in his mouth for some reason.

Finally sparing a glance around it seemed like it was in the middle of nowhere, and the middle of nowhere today seemed to be in the middle of the ocean for some reason.

Sarutobi obviously couldn't remember how he gotten here, his opium had had just worn off.

Good thing he kept it in bulk.

It was good opium too! The best kind. He'd have to make a shelter, and get some entertainment. Of the coconut variety, by that he meant he was going to show them why he was  
called the original nut cracker.

He was getting twitchy though, he'd just have a little bit of his stash. Right?

Just a little.

By the time he had his 'little' bit he stumbled into a tree. And found the coconuts he had wanted, what a pleasant surprise. That small green glowing fairy was being nice to him today.

"Ho there little coconut, would you like to be my special friend tonight? Hohohoho, let's go build a hut, then you and I will get to know each other!" Even the wind was a bit disturbed and refused to flow in Sarutobi's direction for awhile.

After summoning his best monkey pal, to go build him his very own little Hut. Sarutobi noticed that his state of dress wasn't quite up to standards here.

Much too high for the quality he should be having while living on a deserted island.

Thinking quickly he tore off all of his clothes, except of course for his hokage jacket robe thingy that (with his awesome skills) he made into a cloth thong and cloak number.

"I look like that guy from Kumo... Gwandy or something like that, maybe it had an H in it?"

A fresh breeze went by, It was the most beautiful thing Sarutobi had ever felt. It tickled all his senses.

The beaming hot sun pelted down on his skin.

The crabs nibbled at his toes and at other places! In Sarutobi's defence, that woman had been so skanky that he would have been nuts not to!

Who was that slutty women you ask?

Well it was someone's wife... who... was it? Well He couldn't remember!

Prolly Shibi's wife... maybe. Could have been Hiashi's wife too!

But.. It was more than probably Shibi's wife. She still gave him looks even now. Oh man was he a cradle robber.

And then it started to poor.

Rain that is.

Some did however say that rain was angelic pee. Which was gross he had thought at the time, but what can you do?

Hiding in his monkey-made shelter. Saru found that it leaked.

This continued through the night but that's okay. He had a coconut and some opium. By morning he would have his very own best friend.

Also some spackle that he'd want to forget the source of. However you have to do what you have to do. Leaks suck, unless you're the one taking it.

Sarutobi woke in the morning as happy as an opium addict could be!

He could have never felt any better, well unless he had more opium to use! Which he did! So he was a very happy old geezer.

Standing and stepping out of his slightly damn shelter he looked at the beaming sun. And smiled. He could look at it all day. But that would burn his eyes out of their sockets so his just stared at the ocean.

For a long while.

A really long while. In fact it wasn't till he noticed the sun going down that he realized that he had been staring.

"Banana hammocks! I've been bamboozled by that confounded Spider Monkey!"

Little did he know, His skin was also a nice ripe red colour. He would have had a better chance at being an apple, than being a ninja.

Not that there had never been Apple Ninja. In fact Johnny Appleseedsuki was one of the world's most famous apples and ninja. Except for everywhere that was not Sarutobi's mind.

Becaues Saru's mind really, wasn't concentrating on anything at all!

Picturing hot babes roaming around he set off for bed and hoped for sweet dreams.

If the dreams didn't come, he'd always have that old coconut of his. Though his crippling, marriage ending impotence was still in effect.

It had been about a week or so, before Sandaime in his wildness mode woke up his a handmade spear (That was made to prod the natives) ... (if there were any)

He noticed that the scenery seemed a bit brighter.

If also a bit dare he say... gayer?

"Good gentlemen, why are you pelvic thrusting my hut so harshly?" He asked of the blue smoke man that was doing exactly as he said.

Of course it didn't answer, but in Sandaime's mind.. it was something like this.

'URRRGGGG HUFF HUFF ARGH!' In Sandaime's head this was the manliest moan someone could have put off before attempting to speak.

But he never told us that.

So forget about it.

Deciding to leave the blue man to his business, Sarutobi wandered outside to see a massive flotilla of ships that might just be stolen. More than that he noticed men, not in that way, many men. Some of which he knew.

Squinting at them he saw a nice looking blond waving in his direction, so after checking to see if anyone else was around Sarutobi waved back.

By the time a small row boat came with Minato on board barking orders.

Sarutobi had collected his coconut pal, and wished the blue man goodbye.

Then wisely stepping upon the water he made his way to the row boat.

"So." Sarutobi looked at them. "These ships?"

"Yeah." Minato looked him in the eye.

"Stolen?"

"Pretty much."

"Sweet."

**Damn! I couldn't stop laughing at this one! Did anyone ever wonder where the fleet came from?!**

**Lai: And that's all noobfaces! Go lament the end of the awesomely epic Epic! Don't come back for more!**

**PS: Agean't, you suck for not being awake when we did this, we wanted your comments too you smelly whale!**


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